I’m struggling with a problem I’m sure many of you also have or have had. My partner of 7 years recently cheated on me on a trip to her friend’s place across the country. When she returned, I soon grew suspicious about her actions due to her changed behavior, and sudden need to make long-distance calls all the time and chat on the internet.
I ultimately discovered her deception by reading a very personal e-mail she had written to this guy, where I learned that she had given him oral sex, and he returned the favor. When I confronted her with this info, she claimed this is as far as they had gone, and that no actual intercourse took place.

Even though she states the affair is over, and that she truly wants to give our relationship another chance, I am just having a very difficult time dealing with the visuals that are going on in my head. I think of her doing this act to another man while we are in a trusting relationship, and it just tears me apart.
The other day she leaned over to give me a little kiss after we had spoken, and all I could think about was another man’s penis on those lips, and I just pulled away.

I’m starting to think I’m behaving in a juvenile manner by not being able to get past this barrier. It has been over 2 months now since she cheated on me, and I’m beginning to lose hope, as the visual recreation of her actions are not going away in my head.

Have others managed to deal with this, or do the visuals stay with you forever?

Dave,
Your not behaving like a juvenile. From what I’ve seen and heard from others here this is very normal. I posed this question in another thread just a couple of days ago, and I’ve been assured that the images do go away eventually. As you can see from my signature block I’ve been going through this since December, and the images are still there, to the point where it is difficult for me to have sex with my wife. Things have gotten worse lately since we began recovery, but I’m guessing that’s also normal as we’re learning to trust each other again.

I hope you and yours will work through this time. If you haven’t already read and heed all you can here on this site. It’s not just for married couples; I believe it can be applied to any relationship where both people are committed.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Welcome to the forum. I wrote this some time ago....maybe it will help.

My husband's infidelity occurred in a brothel in Thailand, a place known for it's ability to cater to every man's needs. The pictures and movies going around in my head as you might imagine were excruciating. They kept me awake at night. They haunted me when I was awake. They flashed in my head everytime my husband touched me. I truly thought I would go crazy with grief. I couldn't seem to make them stop...and I wondered...how can I ever get past this? How can I ever love my husband again if I keep seeing these pictures?

This is a story about what happens to the pictures.

"Remembering June"

June was my mother. She was a heartstopping beauty. She modeled on TV, in magazines and she walked like a queen. I can remember walking with her as a child...holding her hand, and entering a crowded hotel lobby...and it was like time stood still. All activity stopped...everyone's eyes were riveted on her as she walked with me down the long corridor and into the restaurant. Men walked into poles. All of my boyfriends secretly worshipped her.

She got cancer at 58. She was still so beautiful and full of life, but as the disease progressed she became more and more frail and gaunt. In the last two months she was in great pain. There became a wildness and desperation about her. She deteriorated in front of my very eyes to a hollow, shrunken, ghastly image of agony. Blood constantly fell from her lips, she screamed and thrashed and tore the clothes from her body.

I cried unchecked for the last two weeks and prayed for God to come and take her. I was alone with her, holding her hand when he died. And as she slipped from this earth and her body relaxed, she looked beautiful again for a moment in time.

In the weeks that followed, I could not get the image of her dying out of my head. Everytime I tried to think of her, I saw this monster she had become...this haunted wraith writhing in agony. Each memory felt like a stab wound. I missed her so desperately, but without warning this image of death and pain would enter my consciousness.

I was so angry with God. I asked "How could you do this? How could you take my beautiful mother and leave me with THIS? Can't I even REMEMBER her? I have lost her, and now I have lost any chance of remembering how she was...how beautiful she was. When I think of her all I remember...all I CAN remember is this ugliness and pain? Why can't I see her as she was?"

As time went by, I was still haunted by her death, but her life began to slowly slip back into mine. I would laugh at a joke...and hear her laugh. I would wear my hair a certain way and see of a flash of her in my own face. As the memories of my life with June began to creep back in, the memories of her death began to fade.

And before long, the two weeks before she died....became just that....two weeks....measured against all the years of her life. It took a long time, but eventually there was a flood of images of June in all her glory, and it became harder and harder to even remember what I saw before she died.

______________________________________________

The pictures in the brothel have gone the same way. Now, I must consciously decide to ressurect them and torture myself with them....they don't just come unheeded and unwanted as they did. Instead they are weighed against 20 years of marriage and images.....

Dave* - Welcome to MB, you have found the right place! Hopefully you can get your partner to come here also.

About the images, yes they do eventually go away. But a warning here, they also do come back. My W and I are struggling through recovery from her A and I have those images quite frequently. It used to be I couldn't touch her or even some days look at her without seeing OM.

Now days, the images mostly come from triggers instead of on their own. My W has learned to read my actions and she can usually tell when I am having a "dark moment." She will ask me if I need to be alone or if we should do something different together. In fact, just last night, the images came back all on their own with no trigger that I can think of. Instead of letting it take over, I stayed with my W and we talked about her new job. Eventually the images went away.

Try to avoid your triggers. If intimacy is a trigger then try to figure out how you can be intimate without triggering or just avoid it all together for now. But warning here, if affection or sexual fullfilment is a high EN (Emotional Need) for either of you then avoidance will soon become a problem as needs will not be met.

Try going for walks and holding hands, buying her a card or flowers (I think I recall hearing that women like flowers?). Ask her what small gestures you can do for her to show your love for her. And also offer her the same ideas. I mentioned to my W that I like it when she leaves me little notes in the morining. So almost every morning there is a note from her waiting for me. Sometimes they are long sometimes they just say "I love you" but it is the thought that counts. What are the little things that you can do for eachother?

If you do those little things and follow the other MB principles, eventually the images will go away and you will love her again. There will be dark days when you ask yourself what on earth are you doing? But see it through, my friend, for it is worth it.

Good luck, I hope this helped.

STTI(Still Trying To Save It) gave you excellent advice and I would just like to add that putting pressure on yourselves to get rid of the images will only cause more stress. Both of you have to be PATIENT and UNDERSTANDING of the process of recovery like STTI and his W. Beleive it or not, the images will eventually start losing more and more impact and their frequency will decrease over time.

TMCM- Thanks for seconding my thoughts and advice. My W and I have been going thorugh some very tought times lately and it is always easier to give advice to others than it is to heed your own words.

Dave*, it does get better but as it has been said here many times before, recovery is three steps forward and two steps back on a good day.

Stay with it, we are here for you.