Hi!
I am new. I am 36 and my husband is 42. We have a 5 year old son. I just found out a couple weeks ago that my husband had an affair with a woman he used to work with. She had always had a crush on him and they have always been friends even though they no longer worked together.
About 2 years ago they went out for drinks and she started flirting with my husband. This turned into the affair. He has said that he never had any feelings for her other than friendship and it was just convenient and easy. Some problems in our marriage exist that led him i guess looking for some excitement and this was it. Anyway, about a year ago she got pregnant. He told her then that this is over and that he had no intentions of leaving me, his wife. He wanted her to have an abortion or to put the baby up for adoption. Well, ultimately she ended up having the baby and keeping it even though my husband wanted her to put it up for adoption(which was the plan the whole time she was pregnant) This led to my husband telling me. He thought for sure I would leave him and I would have thought the same. But we are trying to work it out. He says he loves me and doesn't want to divorce. The other woman has since moved out of state and living with her parents. She of course, is still in love with him and is hoping that we don't stay together. Although my husband has no intentions of being with her. I have told my husband that I don't want him to have anything to do with the child and the other woman. For some reason he now thinks he should do the right thing and be a parent to the child. He doesn't want it to grow up and hate him. I don't think I can go through the rest of my life with this child as a constant reminder. I have told him it won't work between us if that is the case and that the child may grow up and not want to know him. He really hasn't made a decision as to what he is going to do. Am I wrong ? I would love to know if anyone else has been in this situation and what happened or how I should handle this.

<small>[ July 03, 2003, 01:59 PM: Message edited by: jgm ]</small>

jgm,

There are lots of folks here in this same situation and I'm sure you will get some support from them. In the "Infidelity" part of the forum there is a "Pregnancy/Child" section where folks in your position post to eachother. You are welcome to post here as well....but be sure and visit that part of the forum....it could be very eye opening. Good Luck Welcome to the forum....you have come to a good place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

jgm,

Unfortunately, there's a whole group of people who have been through this. Many still hang out at the Pregnancy/Child side of the forums. You might want to post there, as well as here.

You want to know who's wrong---him wanting to be the father or you wanting nothing to do with the child? Well---neither of you is wrong. What is paramount for your marriage is that you maintain and build romantic love in your relationship, by:

1. Protecting each other from Lovebusters
2. Meeting each other's needs
3. Being completely honest with one another
4. Spending quality time with each other to accomplish all this.

You and your husband need to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to come up with a solution that you both can ENTHUSIASTICALLY agree with, in regards to this situation. If you can apply the POJA successfully in this situation, you'll never have another issue in your marital life that will be unsolvable. You need to brainstorm, to negotiate safely and effectively---and to come up with a plan that you both can live with.

I would strongly urge you to read everything here on the site (concepts, Q&A's, articles), as well as order some of the books from the bookstore. But most importantly, I think you would strongly benefit from a counselor/coach who would help you with this. Please call the MB office (888-639-1639) and set up a counseling appointment (check out the link for info at the top of the page). Steve and Jenn Harley (Dr. Harley's adult children) do the counseling, and they're both terrific.