Hi all,

Well, I've been in NC from OM since June 19. I've been doing pretty well and things seem to be going well with my M. My H and I have been spending alot of time talking and that helps. The problem is that for some reason today has been really hard and I've been having alot of temptations to contact OM. I know that I really DON'T want to do this and that I will feel really lousy afterwards but for some reason today is just not a good day for me. I find myself doing alot of remembering today and I hate it. I think maybe because it's a slow day and not much else going on. I have talked to my H about this in the past and it seems to be very hard for him to hear when I say that I miss OM (Which I completely understand why) so, I'm apprehensive about sharing this with him because I don't want to hurt him anymore. It's like I don't want to have contact with OM, but every time my phone rings at work I find that my heart beats a little faster until I see that it's not OM and then I feel a little down because it's not him. This is crazy I know but I'm just wondering how to get past this and how long this usually takes. I'm trying really hard and I'm proud of myself so far. I want my M to work and I'm giving 100% of myself to it - I just wish that this other stuff would go away.........
Thanks for listening,
NL

Where's that list about OM's dysfunctions/disloyaties and bad traits? Where's the list of things you can't stand?

Where's Sheryl???? (aka: NewBeginning) used to be real good at helping out on this kind of situation.

take care,
L.

Orchid,
I have my list and I've memorized it but somehow those stupid "happy" thoughts sneak in and make it hard. I know it was all a lie and all based on fantasy, but dang this sucks!!!!
I just keep focusing on what I have in my life: my wonderful H, my family, my dogs, my house, my health, etc and then I try to smile and thank God for everything and that seems to help. Today is just an off day and I'm struggling to get through it but I'm taking it a minute at a time and I'm doing it! I've called my H a few times (I'm at work today) and that helps too. But, if anyone has any other suggestions I would really appreciate it. I find that the hardest times are when I'm not distracted with work or family time, etc.
Thanks everyone.
P.S. Orchid, did you say that your cousin died? I'm very sorry to hear that and my prayers are with you.

NL

New*life,
I am in the same boat as you... I havn't heard from OM since June 13th... I can't really give you any advice but from what someone has told me, we are going to grieve the loss of the affair additonally its going to take "time" to heal. I'm sure you probably already know that. For me those thoughts about OM were obsessive so its going to be quite a change not to think about him anymore. But how do you do that? I am working on it, and when I start to find some comfort and answers, I would be happy to share wit you. I hope if you do the same you will also share with me. Have you read the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass? I am reading it now and am starting to read the part about recovery. Anyway, it would probably give you some tips on what to expect during your recovery. Also, today, was kinda hard for me too, trust me your not alone...

Hugs and take care, you'll be okay......
MJ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

NL, First of all, I want to say you are doing a great job, I knew that Blah and you were trying to be supportive of each other and he failed (big time) I am unsure if you still write him..I hope so. You know I do understand when there is an off day that you would recall "moments" with OM,trust me, I know and if Blah could be as strong as you have been, I could really be there and be total understanding of his "loss"(Loss? In many ways, I resent this word in an affair)You can hold all the bad stuffs on the OM whereas Blah could only remember(rather, he dwells strongly)the good part like sex and all the good times going around the city that "I" live in and;places that WH and I used to go, now there is no more places for us to go as he kept all these places as WH & OW's memories, OK, I can forget about all these, no big deal right...but Blah just lives in fantasy, he is going to lose all, including the school he worked real hard for the last 4 years just to be in it)I admire you to give 100% into working on your M, I look at other WSs and say to myself why can't Blah be like any of the WSs-trying,with sincerity...that's what MB is for, to rebuild M. Not to be here and tell others how great OP is...I feel a lot of pain that my WH remains a WH!
Good job NL, keep it up, you can do it, with the strength from your family and most of all, God. As hard as it is,today or any other day, it will be worth it in the end. Good luck.

Hi NL, I'm glad that you and your H are doing a lot better.

Remember that you are going thru is called withdrawl and it is pretty tough because it is very similar to drug withdrawl. Unfortunately the only way to deal with this is one day at a time, just like an alcoholic or drug addict. You did the right thing in coming here because we may just be what you need for the moment in resisting the temptation of calling the OM.

In closing, I just want to remind you of something that I brought up to you the last time I wrotte a post to you. I said that what your perception of the OM was not a true representation of who he really was a person, and that what you are attracted is not him per se but what qualities he displayed that attracted you to him. In other words, you fell in love with an image, not a person. I hope that this helps you put some perspective and reduces the desire for you to contact him.

Don't be a stranger, writte to us even if its just to shoot the breeze with us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new*life:
<strong>Orchid,
I have my list and I've memorized it but somehow those stupid "happy" thoughts sneak in and make it hard. I know it was all a lie and all based on fantasy, but dang this sucks!!!!
I just keep focusing on what I have in my life: my wonderful H, my family, my dogs, my house, my health, etc and then I try to smile and thank God for everything and that seems to help. Today is just an off day and I'm struggling to get through it but I'm taking it a minute at a time and I'm doing it! I've called my H a few times (I'm at work today) and that helps too. But, if anyone has any other suggestions I would really appreciate it. I find that the hardest times are when I'm not distracted with work or family time, etc.
Thanks everyone.
P.S. Orchid, did you say that your cousin died? I'm very sorry to hear that and my prayers are with you.

NL</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NL,

It is easy to fall back into that type of rut when we are not distracted. All the more reason to be busy. But more importantly why you are busy and the benefits of being 'busy' is just as important.

That's why many of us keep posting here. See your progress is much farther ahead than other WS. Yet we all have good and bad days. Why? Well, we all are imperfect.

Thanks for asking about my cousin..... she did pass away yesterday. I am not ready to go into the details yet. It was just sooo hard for me since we don't see each other much and she was like my 'big' sister. She is 9 years older than I and so I kinda looked up to her (even though she isn't much taller than me - LOL!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> She was a fun loving person who used to surf with the sharks - literally!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am missing her greatly.

This evening we went to the beach and I wrote her and her family a card, then said my goodbyes to her at the ocean (which she loved sooo much). It was fitting for her life in Hawaii was centered around the beach. Soo many people where there at the cliff where we stopped for me to say goodbye. We watched some surfers attempt to surf (no real waves <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). Everyone there was laughing and having a pleasant time and I was sitting on the bench crying my eyes out trying to write the card. I managed. My son (8 years old) came up, gave me a hug and said 'mom, I'm sorry Aunty J had to die.' It was touching that my young one who didn't really know her still had feelings for her. She was a real likeable person. He took to her quickly at the wedding last month. The wedding was for another cousin of ours. Didn't mean to go on this long....

Thanks again for asking.
L.

New*life,
I'm so glad you posted this! It echoes my feelings exactly.

I have had N/C since first of May....and there are some days when I get this overwhelming desire to contact him--just to see how things are going. So far I have managed to avoid it! I do it by reminding myself of how much progress we have made in our marriage, and how complicated it would make our lives if I renewed contact. And staying really busy...and posting on this message board!!!!

Our PA ended in Dec....but we continued to email or call through May. It is hard because (at least to me) we were very close friends. I could talk to him about things I could talk to my girlfriends about.....and my husband and I are not yet at that point. Sometimes I think we will never be because of personality differences. But we are working on it...and I have to remind myself that our marriage didn't get in the shape it was overnight.

Keep posting here....email me if you need to (diane694@yahoo.com) and keeping reading what all these MB veterans have to say....they have all helped me tremendously!!!!! Diane

Hi everyone and thank you so much for all your kind words and support!!! Today is, I'm happy to say, a much better day for me. I did think about OM, but it was more or less just a passing thought and it went just as fast as it came.

Miss J ~ I know what you mean about thoughts being obsessive, I was kind of in the same position. Withdrawal is hard and it's at its worst when you're not busy, so I try really hard to stay busy, especially with friends and people who make me laugh. Thanks for the advice on the book, I will look for it. I wish that I had advice for you also, but unfortunately I don't really. All I can say is that I have been through this before since this is (as sick as it makes me to say this) my 2nd A. I think that the reason the 2nd A happened is because I was having such a hard time getting over 1st OM that all of a sudden the 2nd OM was there and he kind of helped me to forget about 1st OM. All I can say is just watch out for that because it happens. Just make sure that you don't let anyone (other than your spouse and/or other family members) help you with the withdrawal. You have to do it within yourself and make yourself stronger because that way you can really heal from it and really put it behind you. I don't know if that makes sense, but I just wanted to let you know that it's a trap that I fell into and now I'm trying to recover from 2nd A (and I swore to myself that I would never put myself through that again after 1st A, yeah right huh???) Just be careful and turn to your S for support and strength. You'll get through it, as will I. We have alot of helpful people here willing to cheer us on when we need it.

Wangi~ Thank you so much for your kind words also. Yes, I was emailing with Blah for awhile but we haven't now for a long time. I think that it was hard for me to hear him talking about how wonderful OW was and how much he missed her, etc and it was just not really something I wanted or needed to hear when I was in the midst of trying to do NC myself. I think that you're a wonderful woman and I truly think that you have a heart of gold. I've been following your posts and I have to say that Blah will NEVER find anyone who will love him like you do, but that's for him to find out I guess. Hopefully he doesn't find out too late. But, just know that you're a jewel and you would make any man proud and happy and you deserve that. I think you've given your all to your M and honestly I think that if you were to decide that you were going to walk away, there wouldn't be too many people here that would disagree with you. You need someone who appreciates the prize that you are and unfortunately that person doesn't appear to be Blah..... but it's definately HIS LOSS.

TMCM~ Hey, I'm sad because you didn't give me any hyperlinks to check out in your post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . But, seriously, thank you for always checking in on me. You're a great support to me and I always like your posts, they make me laugh. I am really trying to get through this one day at a time and for the most part it's going ok, but somedays are definately worse than others. I know what you mean about me falling in love with an image and not really the OM. It's funny because when I think about what it is I miss, it's not really directly the OM (not his face or his body, etc) it's more the quality time I spent with him doing things. I think this kind of reiterates that it's not the OM that I miss but rather the image. It sucks because what I've blown up in my mind is far greater than anything OM could have really been. I just need to stay strong and come here if I have any weak moments. Thanks again for checking in on me.

Orchid~ I am very sorry about your cousin. She sounds like a wonderful person and it's too bad that her life had to end so young. You can always have peace knowing that now you have an angel watching over you. She's your own personal angel and she'll take care of you. That's very sweet that your son was trying to take care of you, I think that they are very sensitive when they see that one of their parents is sad. Just know that she's watching over you and that she's up in heaven with God and she's surfing the beautiful blue ocean in heaven now. You're in my prayers.....

Diane~ I think that I miss the friendship as well. I miss not talking to him everyday and checking in with him, etc. When you get so used to doing that it's really hard to not have it all of a sudden. I miss not knowing how he's doing or what's going on in his life. I have days where I really struggle to not contact him as well but I know that if I do I will only feel worse in the end. I think that with each passing day I am one step closer to the day that I can wake up and not think about OM. If we all help eachother out, we can do it. We are strong and our spouses love us and they are what truly matters. Thanks for your email address, I really appreciate that. If you want/need to talk to me also, my address is tkpnc@yahoo.com
Take care and God bless. It's a hard struggle but it's a struggle well worth it.

Thanks again everyone....
NL

NL, what wonderful thing you said about me, if and when Blah read your reply,he would say to himself that "You (NL or anybody)don't live with her"(me)He had said that to me when he disagrees others are on my side or rather they don't support his A, you know I am not perfect, no one is, definitely not devious like you-know-who,he is in serious problems (mostly self-issues that
sort of covered by his so-called adventure-THE A!)
Many WS can recover,why not him? Why not my WH???He would justify the percentage of married men have affairs,60% he said according to some survey?blah blah blah)he said all that to justify it is ok to have an A,I know, he is not a bad man,he is indeed a good person but mess up, his childhood and now adulthood is also destructive, I look at it that it has something to do with abuse and alcohol(he was drinking from 16-19,now he has been sober and doing an excellent job for 15+ years...) sometimes I look at the A as the substitution to his alcohol..Blah denied it is an addiction for OW is a PERSON not an OBEJECT, can't you addict to a low-life? Yes, I believe one can..OW perpetuate the betrayal...
perfect combination? I wish they both sleep well, I know Blah hasn't sleep for 1.5 year..he is not a mean guy but mess up..I feel sad and a lot of pain for him, only wish he would wake up from his "nightmare"..perhaps by then, it will be too late?! You though, NL, doing a GREAT JOB. Give the world(your family) the best of you and the best will be given back to you! Stay strong and be RIGHT, that is when we can all sleep soundly at night...no more tossing and turning, I know how bad it is unable to sleep. Sleep well and God be with you..Well done NL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always like your posts, they make me laugh. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seeing how that is the case, then I suggest that you check out these little gems of lunacy from yours truly (my W is chasing me with a huge net and she's planning on having me committed to a mental institution for good. Gotta run <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ):

Darkest just before the dawn...... , OT: Hey Kily, your boss and co-worker are on t.v. and and so the court battle begins.

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

NC,

Thanks for your kind words. I think writing to you helped me put my feelings on paper and it has been a sort of therapy for me. I took my cousin's death much harder than I realized.

I noticed you mentioned that OM2 helped you get over OM1. Do you know what OM2 did to do that so easily? Thrill of the unknown or....?

Just curious.

take care,
L.

Wangi~ Thank you for all your kind words but please know that I don't consider myself a "good" WS, since I've been in this position two times. I think that finally this time around I'm realizing how wonderful my H is and how I don't want to jeopardize my life with him and also that whatever it is that I've been searching for in my life has to come from within myself, not from anyone else. Thanks for your support though, like I said, you're a wonderful person. As far as Blah, I think that he is very confused. And, I think that he is doing what I did and that is searching for something from outside sources rather than from within himself. No matter who he turns to he will be in the exact same position 5 or 10 years from now. Until he turns to God and lets God provide for him, he will not find the happiness that he's seeking. There's nothing material that can give him what he is searching for. Don't let him discourage you by saying things like "they don't live with you", etc. That's just a way of him being able to justify his actions. I think that you are proving your unconditional love to him by standing by him. He isn't capable of appreciating what you are doing right now because he's busy being too greedy with himself. Take care though and know that you're an inspiration to alot of us here.

TMCM~ You are too much. I think that having you commited would be much like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. You would be the comic of the institute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyways, thanks for the hyperlinks, I was beginning to have withdrawals since you hadn't sent me one for awhile.

Orchid~ I am glad that you were able to have some therapy by writing your feelings. Anytime that you feel you need to talk, certainly feel free to post to me. I think that being able to put your feelings into words helps to heal you.
As far as OM2 helping me get over OM1, I think that it was just a new "distraction" in my life that helped take my mind off the withdrawal. It gave me something new in my life and make it exciting. I can't really explain it any differently, other than that he just brought freshenss into my life. That's sick, I know, and I will NOT fall into that trap this time around. Like I said, I have to find my strength from within myself and I need to turn to my H to help me. Take care O and know that we are all praying for your pain and to heal.
NL

Wangi~ Thank you for all your kind words but please know that I don't consider myself a "good" WS, since I've been in this position two times. I think that finally this time around I'm realizing how wonderful my H is and how I don't want to jeopardize my life with him and also that whatever it is that I've been searching for in my life has to come from within myself, not from anyone else. Thanks for your support though, like I said, you're a wonderful person. As far as Blah, I think that he is very confused. And, I think that he is doing what I did and that is searching for something from outside sources rather than from within himself. No matter who he turns to he will be in the exact same position 5 or 10 years from now. Until he turns to God and lets God provide for him, he will not find the happiness that he's seeking. There's nothing material that can give him what he is searching for. Don't let him discourage you by saying things like "they don't live with you", etc. That's just a way of him being able to justify his actions. I think that you are proving your unconditional love to him by standing by him. He isn't capable of appreciating what you are doing right now because he's busy being too greedy with himself. Take care though and know that you're an inspiration to alot of us here.

TMCM~ You are too much. I think that having you commited would be much like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. You would be the comic of the institute. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Anyways, thanks for the hyperlinks, I was beginning to have withdrawals since you hadn't sent me one for awhile.

Orchid~ I am glad that you were able to have some therapy by writing your feelings. Anytime that you feel you need to talk, certainly feel free to post to me. I think that being able to put your feelings into words helps to heal you.
As far as OM2 helping me get over OM1, I think that it was just a new "distraction" in my life that helped take my mind off the withdrawal. It gave me something new in my life and make it exciting. I can't really explain it any differently, other than that he just brought freshenss into my life. That's sick, I know, and I will NOT fall into that trap this time around. Like I said, I have to find my strength from within myself and I need to turn to my H to help me. Take care O and know that we are all praying for your pain and to heal.
NL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As far as OM2 helping me get over OM1, I think that it was just a new "distraction" in my life that helped take my mind off the withdrawal.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sort of the logic behind curing a whisky hangover by drinking tequila. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Forgive my Alzheimer's but did I ever mentioned to you that little e-book titled Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair from After The Affair ?

TMCM~ No, you hadn't mentioned that book before. Thanks for the tip.
Yeah, my thinking back then was very similar to curing a whiskey hangover by drinking tequila. I like that analogy. Sometimes I look back and think "what the h@ll was I thinking?" There's alot to be said about the fog.....
NL

p.s. Did you ever decide where you were going to stay in L.Vegas?

NL, an inspiration? I don't think so, I am not doing well as a BS, I feel lousy, I used to be Blah's inspiration that he used to write me beautiful poems and I keep all of them,all the theaters tixs,air tickets stubs of all our trip over the years, almost everything,he said I am not romantic and I don't admire him(he proudly said how much OW WORSHIPS him!)I even have the tiny piece of paper w/ his name and phone# on the day we met,that was almost 8 years ago...did you read what happen today in my post?( I just do not want to repeat)Blah needs to work on his own issues and so do I. I always wish we could work on our problems(and indivicual)together, like I always tell him together we can fight through this evil doing. Maybe OW is not a bad person but she enables him to continue cheating..you know that is castle on a sandy beach, bubble in the air type of fantasies, the pain must stop, you are right, if he does not break through, it will keep coming, like all our moving, we had moved too many times because of noises from neighbors,from one place to another, noises followed, I explained to him as if it is in his A & M,keep running away from the problem and it follows you wherever you go until you stop and FACE the demons,after I moved out from the 2nd apt since the A(before the A, we had lived in 3 apts..total of 7 moves for him for the past 8 years.. we lived in(we moved to a new place in Nov2001 and his A began,after the DDay June 7,02 we moved in late June(he planned w/ OW to move me from a 1500 apt to 1200 when he goes to LA w/OW then I can afford 1200 on my own, how considerate)since I moved out from the 1200,he had to move out after 3 months later due to high rent,and as a starving student he decided to move to a 925 studio, 3 days later he moved to another 1200 1BR,he said at first it was worth paying 1200 to get some peace and quiet...soon after this present apt has a very noisy woman below of his apt...what does all this tell you? When he moved to this present 1BR,I was there b4 OW,she was furious as she was downsouth talking about buying a condo and moving away..then she found out about the judgment for the divorce,she worked her a$$ to please him daily w/sex,Blah then dismissed the divorce for OW is pretty flirty...when Blah showed me his apt,he really HAD the intention to have me home..but all screwed up due to OW not moving away because she stayed for Blah..divorce dismissed,2 weeks NC,then OW NC him for a bit,now back to square one, what more can I say, really? How could I be an inspiration NL? I feel embarrass when you said that? But I know you meant well. We are all humans, we make mistakes. I hope Blah will find God in him someday...he USED to be religious therefore he was an honest man w/ quality virtue..he is gone now...YOU, take good care, be good to your loved ones and all the loves will be returned to you. The mixture of calm w/ the storm is not haphazard, quite contrary...they sicken of the calm, who knew the storm....Peace

Wangi,
Don't sell yourself short. You ARE an inspiration to people here. Do you know how many BS's there are who find strength in what you're saying and doing and going through? No matter what your H has said or done to you, you are still willing to work it all out with him. I would say that's pretty inspirational. You were talking about all the times that you guys moved for all the various reasons and if you notice, it's all reasons that disturbed your H. It doesn't sound like he checked to see if you wanted to move or what you wanted to do. It seems like it's been all about him. He may say that OW is so supportive of him, etc but you know what? OW is going to get sick of his greediness and emotional sickness and he will find himself all alone. Also, OW may be giving him all the sex he wants now but it won't last. This is how she's luring him into her web. Once she captures him, she will lose interest and she'll turn to the next victim. I think with her it's all about the chase.... and with your H it's all about him. It's a lose-lose situation for them, it won't last and your H thinks he has a mess in his life now, he has no idea what's in store for him. Keep your head held high and know that we are all here for you.

NL

Thanks NL, your reply made me cry, how come WH look at me as if I am evil? Thanks for saying good stuffs, esp.from a FWS. But hey, it is his loss, not mine..to me, he is still a gem in many ways, at least the OLD him, not the present Blah though. Yea, you are right, all the movings that we had, it was really all about him, I am a city person, so noises are expected and I could sleep well & my heart is clear, you know...now I also
understand why he can not sleep not just the noise but also the heart/mind is unclear..there is a Chinese proverb,if you do not do anything bad, you won't be startled by the door knocking at mid night. NL, I still love him but he just won't let me in, ever...I feel like a fool to want him, you know.He said I am codependence, maybe I am,that is because we had gone through a whole lot not just focus on the fun times(where he is now at in the A) I have lots of things(he calls them JUNK, to me some are precious, and I am also an artist,I also do crafts etc, lots of shoes and clothings..I am a woman,for God's sake) he always fight me over my junk I had thrown away
many stuffs just to shut him up, and also I wanted to show him that I can change for him even after DDay, but he won't even look at these little changes in me)I had moved w/ him sometimes unwillingly, he didn't look at them either..
things I did are not countable,things I DIDN'T do(to fulfill his needs)are all spelt out loud and clear,for it is ok & that was why he HAS an A.I know & understand, two cheaters will not trust with their hearts <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Thanks NL, I appreciate you and your thoughts, it means a whole lot. No matter how angry he is with me now, I am not afraid. Thansk for reading my blah blah blah...

Wangi,
I don't know that it's that Blah looks as you as being evil as much as it's that he's viewing you as what he thinks is preventing him from having happiness. He doesn't realize that you're the only thing good and stable in his life, he can only focus on what he thinks he wants (OW) and how he thinks she'll bring him happiness. He is setting himself up for a big letdown. He will never be happy, not until he stops running from himself and figures out what's going on with himself. I know you still love him Wangi, but I think that maybe it's time that you start preparing yourself for the very real possibility that he may never come back. I think you are at a point where if he chooses to leave, you can hold your head high and know that you did everything you could to let him know you were there for him and that it's time to let him go. I think he's sitting there trying to buy time until he can see for sure which way OW is going to go and then he can decide if he can let you go fully or not. I think he's keeping you on the back burner (even though he's being awfully insensitive to you) for insurance to make sure he's not alone just in case things don't work out between him and OW. Maybe the best thing that could happen to Blah is that he does decide to be with OW and you two end up getting divorced and then OW cheats on him with the man that you think she's got something going with already, and then Blah ends up with nothing. Maybe this will be the only way that Blah will be able to understand how much he's hurt you and how much he gave up when he let you go. I don't think you're codependent, I think you're trying to do everything that you can do for your M. But, I think the time is getting near where you have to decide for sure which way you're going to go. If you decide that you don't want to be in this screwed up triangle anymore then you need to erase Blah from your life totally (until he can prove to you that OW is out of his life and he wants to come home and work on his M). You can't allow him to keep abusing you this way, it's not good for you and it's only setting you up to have a really hard time trusting any man that may come into your life. I know he's your H, but you've gotta protect yourself now. Stop worrying about Blah failing out of school- it's his choice, it's his life and if he's going to be stupid enough to let OW come in the middle of that then it should be his problem, not yours. Don't respond to his emails and v.m because it's not worth it. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's upsetting you. Be strong and start living for yourself now. Don't do things according to how they may or may not affect Blah, do things according to how they affect you. You are the most important thing right now, not Blah. He's chosen his path, not you should choose yours. I'll tell you what, at the end of all this, you'll be the one still standing strong- not Blah.
Take care of yourself,
NL