Hello,
I have been a lurker for nearly 2.5 years and have just come out of the closet with my H about OM back in April of 03. When I first came here I felt so out of place and thought you folks were pretty "mean"... not so... Guess the truth hurts!! I heard some say something aboug fog....... gawd..... I was in a fog alright and still coming out of it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now that this is all coming to a head and H and I are talking about the details it is becoming more clear to me what I need to do to get my life back in control and congruent with my Marriage. I realize I have alot of work ahead of me and so far it is very hard. But I also know its also hard and maybe harder for my H too. He has been the most wonderful man around, but I've always known that.... I feel so blessed that he is willing to listen to the details about what I experienced during and after my EA, how it affects him and us now; which we consider apart of our healing together. I am not even close to 100% and still consider myself new. I With all the stories of strength I've read here, I know we are not alone. Thank you all for your honesty to come here and help each other out; in the process help a poor ole lurker begin to see the light.....

I realize theres alot of BS here and it seems we WS get alot of "heat"... I understand that. WS also need to heal and talk; does anyone have any advice on where I should post? I sure hate to upset any BS with my sorrows and hardships...

Thank you

MJ:)

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 03:18 PM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

I personally don't mind a little "heat". If it gets too hot for you, just say "Ouch! Too hot! Back off until later!"

Welcome back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

MJ,

The only WS's who get beat up are the ones who aren't trying to leave the OPs or show no remorse. There are many here who were the WS and worked very hard on their marriages, and their perspective can be incredibly helpful to those of us who need to understand "how" affairs occur and "what" brings a WS back to a marriage. Contribute if you can, ask for help if you need it. Welcome to the forum.

Hi MissJ, and welcome to the forum. Starfish is right, it is not every WS that gets heat around here. It's the ones who are unremorseful, selfish or cruel and who come here and try to insult our intelligence with silly rationalizations. The ones who are honest and well intentioned, as you seem to be, rarely have a problem.

Hello MissJ,

The ratio BS vs. WS in this forum is about 10:1. That's why we welcome WS that can give us their insight, their perspective. It's not easy to do as it seems that this is a place where BSs help each other and team up "against" WSs. This is not true. We ALL are victims of the affair. We all need to support each other.

This IS the place to post as it helps BSs understand what you're going through in order to deal with the situation.

In fact, WSs get so involved, they become the BEST advocates of MB principles, and sometimes it's hard to beleive that the person who helps and devotes him/herself so much is a former WS. So don't be shy, help others and yourself by posting.

Welcome, once again.

BigStar

MissJ,

I posted to you over a year ago. When you posted again today I went a read some of your more recent posts. I am curious. You state that your H has known since April and you only ended contact in June of this year.

Could you please tell us what has happened? How did you finally come to tell your H? Why did you take so long to go to NC with OM? How is your H holding up?

I do surely hope that you are starting to realize that your throw away 3 years of what could have been a good marriage in this EA. I suspect your H has doubts about a lot of the marriage now. How are you reassuring him?

Talk to us. We may be able to help.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you all for your warm welcome. I have followed some of your stories in the past 2 years, and I am always very touched by the amount of trust and honesty this community conveys.

Justlearning... thank you so much for your inquiry and concerns; I will give you an update based on your questions, which by the way have helped me reiterate to myself what it is I am trying to accomplish... thanks again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I posted to you over a year ago. When you posted again today I went a read some of your more recent posts. I am curious. You state that your H has known since April and you only ended contact in June of this year.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I never ended contact; I just hadn't heard from OM, since then. As a matter of fact at the time I didn't understand how important it was to do this. If you read some of my other posts, I never intended on telling my H becuase I didn't want to hurt him and was afraid he would expose OM to his W or would hurt OM (which is natral)....
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could you please tell us what has happened? How did you finally come to tell your H? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some issues concerning trust came up in our marriage; my H was hiding his drinking for almost two years. I was furious yet, I felt unjustified to hammer him about it after what I had done with OM. What ensued was laying down the whole truth about any suspiscions we had about each other during our marriage. to my surprise he asked me if I ever had an affair. I said "yes"... He never inquired about details and since it had been over for nearly 2 years my contact with OM was friends. However, we did fall back into the EA a few times before March 03. Thereafter, I felt I was doing my part as a friend but OM was still having a hard time which also set me back emotionally. I know... very confusing... Even then, I believed frienship was possible to the point of defending OM and threatening H if he did expose OM or contact him(sad I know). All symptoms of denial, withdrawl and lack of control. I've been told before that OM and I could never be friends; I thought since it had been over for a long time, we still could be friends. Even OM told me we could never just be friends, explains his inabilty to share beyond frienship. After much of the reading I have been doing and based on my still existing feelings, I realize and accept it now. So, my next step is the no contact letter H and I will write together... I admit, it is still very hard to get passed this, however, I agree being in contact does and has prevented me from moving forward which explains the setbacks everytime I would hear from OM. Which have only proven to be destructive to the intimacy of my marriage, work, child and other aspects of my life because I was still hiding some of what OM said. So, without the intimacy my H was not only helpless but clueless to my grieving process, that I thought I could do "alone". Thats when all the details started coming out. I was relieved and afraid at first, but it is the best thing I've ever done. I revealed I was having a hard time and asked him if he could help me. Its painful that it had to come to this point at the expense H knowing what this OM really meant to me. I didn't realize I was actually greiving and have been for the past two years, for the loss of OM; for our present and past hurts that occured 23 years ago. Its a stuck, sick and painful place to be.... I feel guilt for having my H console me, and angry at OM for coming back into my life. Regret that OM and I came together when it is entirely too late to reveal regrets... Also anger at myself for allowing the frienship to progress into an EA knowing it was wrong.... I can't imageine what the BS goes through, but seeing my H hurt is the hardest and worth every bit of shutting the OM out.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why did you take so long to go to NC with OM? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it made practical sense at one time to go the NC route, however, I being in denial it isn't an option. I know now, that I was infact succumbing to the withdrawl. I am just starting to piece it all together and it starts with asking my own self why and how can I prevent OM from coming back into our lives again? So, I am in the process of educating myself more about infidelity and what it means to me and my family... many light bulbs are going off.... But still many questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How is your H holding up? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quite well, even surprised me. As a matter of fact, even though he's never been exposed to the philosophy or methodology of Plan A, he is there... I asked him how he could hold up so well too, he said, he loved me and that bad things happen to good people but if I want our marriage like he does, then he is willing to do what it takes to get through this. He has provided me a safe haven to discuss the extent of the affair and is even concerned with how I am holding up on my end. I didn't want to discuss the details becuase I didn't want to hurt him, but he said its necessary becuase he wants to help me and he needs to understand what this man meant to me. Its shocking and it hurts, but he said its better to be honest even if it hurts. I do see the intimacy building again... and he admits it has made him closer to me. I think what also softens the blow for him is the nature of the affair as well as the way it was disclosed. Not to mention the identity of the OM. Additionally, my complete honesty with the lifeline of the EA. Another step is complete honesty, about my current daily activities and our agreement that if I was to hear from or see OM, I would let him know. We could then discuss our feelings and thoughts. Another thing, the fact that the EA has basically been in its "dying stage" and has been for almost 2 years. Furthermore, he knew who OM was(my old high school sweetheart)and what he once meant to me; so he said, it must be very hard as he also has fond memories of someone in his past but would never go as far a I did becuase of our marriage. I know this must really sound nuts to you guys, but we do believe that no one is immune from falling into an EA or affair and now especially with somone from the past. Every situation is different and not all BS or WS react the same way. And so with ours, H isn't at fault, we have always been very happily married. Knowing that happily marrieds are not immune especially to a past lover, has helped us understand what happened to us. We are now both reading and doig all we can to educate ourselves about it and how we can prevent this from happening again. Thats the ignorance involving some of the myths of infidelity; which I think most folks will agree. We thought it could never happen to us... So with our experience, we hope to explore ways to get through this together and past the pain for both of us.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do surely hope that you are starting to realize that you throw away 3 years of what could have been a good marriage in this EA. I suspect your H has doubts about a lot of the marriage now. How are you reassuring him </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree, but it happened and both H and I agree that we cannot take it back. No amount of regret or more hurt is going help us strengthen our marriage. I think the true test for us will be the aftermath becuase I have always been happily married. For myself, I fear this disclosure could be the destruction of a good marriage; at least thats what I've read from a well known author who wrote the book "Not just friends", Shirly Glass.... Theres no doubt and with deep regret the innocence of our marriage is lost. This coming year will be a true test with my withdrawl and letting the OM go. We have hope, that we will get passed this. If it isn't possible we will go our separate ways...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Talk to us. We may be able to help. God Bless,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you so much Justlearning... I have no doubt, I will need to build a support network. So far, I have been just reading. H and I have been talking alot. It is a very difficult and confusing at times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 04:06 PM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

sorry looks like Ive posted twice........ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 02:29 PM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

MissJ,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Theres no doubt and with deep regret the innocence of our marriage is lost. This coming year will be a true test with my withdrawl and letting the OM go. We have hope, that we will get passed this. If it isn't possible we will go our separate ways...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The first sentence is true. The part I put into bold you need to really think about. You seem to imply that you might not be able to let OM go. MissJ, it is not only possible it is something you MUST do. It really is not an option, unless you are really just blowing smoke at us.

Love, marriage, feelings, are not the toys of the helpless. They are consciously entered into, experienced, and dealt with. You made a choice to carry your feelings for OM for 23 years. It was not an accident. You were using him as your insurance, as you emotional and imaginary refuge when things got tough. It is no accident that he called you, and that you responded as you did. You have spent 23 years PREPARING to do what you did.

Just as you decide to carry you insurance policy with you, you can decide to cancel the policy. You can choose to go through life with your H. He has given you many more reasons to use him as your insurance policy than your OM.

MissJ, this is purely and simply a matter of focus. If you chose to focus on OM during your recovery, then OM will always be there, if you chose to focus on your H, then OM will fade. It is truely your choice. It is not up to the God's, it is not some random chance thing. OM lives in your heart because you wanted him to. So you decide what it is you want, then do it. If it is your H, then he MUST be your focus, and everytime OM comes into your mind call or think about your H. If you really deeply want OM, then divorce your H.

Life REALLY is THAT SIMPLE. The tools are here for you to accomplish what you decide, and it won't be easy, but it really is SIMPLE. You decide OM or H and then start building your life around whomever you have chosen.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The first sentence is true. The part I put into bold you need to really think about. You seem to imply that you might not be able to let OM go. MissJ, it is not only possible it is something you MUST do. It really is not an option, unless you are really just blowing smoke at us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just learning...... I may not sound as though I am confident. Maybe I should have said, I am determined to get passed this... I think even you agree that nothing is certain but taxes and death... But I can assure you, my goal is to get passed OM. I think helpful suggestions like what other books are good, what about counseling,... etc...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Love, marriage, feelings, are not the toys of the helpless. They are consciously entered into, experienced, and dealt with. You made a choice to carry your feelings for OM for 23 years. It was not an accident. You were using him as your insurance, as you emotional and imaginary refuge when things got tough. It is no accident that he called you, and that you responded as you did. You have spent 23 years PREPARING to do what you did. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You hardly know me and what my intentions were... I was not out to get my OM or he me... Believe it or not, I had always been happily married and he too. What started out as rekindling an old frienship turned into an EA... this was not planned...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Just as you decide to carry you insurance policy with you, you can decide to cancel the policy. You can choose to go through life with your H. He has given you many more reasons to use him as your insurance policy than your OM. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Agreed...... so whats your point? Sorry, but it sounds as though you are looking for some hidden agenda..... I am being as truthful as possible and am like you "just learning"...(your further along though)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MissJ, this is purely and simply a matter of focus. If you chose to focus on OM during your recovery, then OM will always be there, if you chose to focus on your H, then OM will fade. It is truely your choice. It is not up to the God's, it is not some random chance thing. OM lives in your heart because you wanted him to. So you decide what it is you want, then do it. If it is your H, then he MUST be your focus, and everytime OM comes into your mind call or think about your H. If you really deeply want OM, then divorce your H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now we're talking.....and I agree with everything you said and will definately do what I can to keep from occupying my time with OM thoughts during withdrawl which is also realistic part of recovery. However, as hard as it is to believe it takes much undoing for a WS to let go of something they believed to be true... I'm just thankful my H believes in me and knows that my heart is in this 100%, thats all that really matters.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Life REALLY is THAT SIMPLE. The tools are here for you to accomplish what you decide, and it won't be easy, but it really is SIMPLE. You decide OM or H and then start building your life around whomever you have chosen.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, totally udnerstandable just try telling that to alchoholic, drug addict or buliemic/anoriexic going through withdawl... they really do want to build normal lives however, I'm sure the thougts and experience will never subside. I'm sure with a solid program, many have and are recovering, and hard as it is those they harmed must know the facts and details and that I'm sure is difficult on everyone. They want to stop all the obsessive and intrusive destructive behaviors. But, they can only do that with support and a solid program. I think you would agree that the beginning is the hardest... Same goes for a WS. What they go through is also just as hard. What we believed to be true is not so. Tearing down the walls is the only way we are going to understand what we did and how we can avoid causing anymore damage in the future. And that is the road I'm on... I'm sorry but I didn't come here to be accused or judged. I think and agree with some of the others who said, that maybe there is a possibility we can help each other.....

take care and thanks for you input, it is very helpful...........

MJ

<small>[ July 09, 2003, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>