am new here. am having trouble coping. I am the betrayer. Our marriage was in trouble and I chose the absolute worse course of action. I cheated with a PA/EA...although the EA was over very quickly, the PA lasted a few months. I ended it...completely several months ago. It violated all that I thought I ever wanted. I accept the responsiblity and do not place blame anywhere but on me. we separted(after A ended) and at the time there was not question about an A. have tried to do things together and sometimes have alot of fun. All of a sudden, about a week ago, questions started about an A. This has haunted me that I did not disclose before. I guess I wanted it to go away.

Now I have to tell. I have checked on my intentions and both my reverend and marriage counselor both say that it seems to be hurting now and it is time to tell...The thing is, I am terrified. I know it is the right thing to do, I just am soooo sad.
You see...I do love my spouse...I know that I didn't show that...I was hurt, angry and lonely when I had the A and know that that is no excuse. I just did not have the tools I have today. I think this will end our marriage. I don't think the love that both parties say is there will bring us through. I would do whatever it takes to save this marriage, but my confidants have told me that it will still take both of us.

I am not making much sense...but am looking for someone who has been through this and survivied. I feel horrible, unforgiveable and am devastated at having to hurt my spouse. Am having trouble with living.

Alex - sorry you had to come here under these circumstances, but there are some positives that I see in your post:

1) you are now willing to own up to your mistakes;
2) you are remorseful and have expressed a desire to save your marriage;
3) you sought the counsel of professionals and people here for support and advice;
4) you know you have to come clean with your spouse, regardless of the consequences.

It is admirable that you are preparing to do what you must. Voluntary disclosure is better than "getting caught" or "found out", which would eventually happen anyway. Your decision to be forthright and truthful with your spouse is commendable.

I obviously don't know your spouse (by the way, are you male or female?), but you may be surprised by his/her reaction after you tell him/her. Yes, there will be shock, excruciating pain, many tears, but there also may be a desire on his/her part to reconcile the marriage. I surprised myself when I found out about my wife's multi-year affair, because I had always believed that infidelity ends a marriage. Here we are 17 months later, and I truly believe we are not only going to survive this but come out stronger eventually.

What you must do now will be painful for both both of you, but you may discover something during the trial you are about to face: what real love is, what true forgiveness means, and how grace can prevail in even the most dire of circumstances.

I'll pray for you guys today as you face this most unpleasant task. Keep posting, as you will need the support, wisdom and encouragement of a lot of pretty cool people here. This site has helped save my marriage, along with many others here, so absorb as much as you can from the resources found here. May God comfort you both in the days ahead.

"Am having trouble with living."

Alex- Sorry to read your story and see that things are so hard at present - I can definitely relate. That old saying about the truth setting you free is so true though, so stay the course. As far as your marriage is concerned, it's probably too early to know what will happen but the truth is always the way to go.

As hard as it might be to believe, this experience can be a real growth opportunity for you and your W if you do the work. Scan these forums enough and you'll see for yourself where people have recovered from the A and thrived! Good luck to you, stay strong and tell her everything she needs to know....

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Everything is so raw right now that when I didn't see any responses to my posting I felt like you guys didn't want to talk to me either. I almost erased the posting...but I am glad I didn't. I can't figure out how to add a profile, so I can't really add any details yet. I have seem so many of you BS wanting to stay with your WS that it has amazed me. I don't think mine will go that way...but that's sometimes the punishment.

Well, I hope that I will still be able to post after I talk to H...I fear that I will be shamed and hurt to reach out. I don't feel too deserving right now.

By the way, I am the W.

Alex,

No matter how your H reacts or what he says give this time and have patience. You are on the rollercoaster now, and you will go up and down for quite awhile. I would strongly encourage you to read the articles here. I would also encourage you to get Surviving an Affair by Harley and read it.

I think you will see and learn things in that book that will help you in dealing with your H. Your H may well find it useful. But, don't try to educate him.

It is hard to predict how this will work out, but you will come to realize that you did the right thing telling him. No matter how painful it is, he needs to make decisions in his life with full information.

As for the BS's on this site, I think you are going to find that they as well as everyone else will do their best to help you as long as your goal is to rebuild your marriage. Most here know a bit about both sides of the issue, that is one of the huge advantages of coming to this site. One gets to see many of the issues from different points of view.

In any event, hang in there. Just because you have done something bad, it doesn't make you a bad person. OK? Remember that.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL,

I don't know if I will ever NOT feel like a bad person again. I keep trying to hold onto the idea that someday, God will forgive me.

Hi Alex I'm sorry for you situation. It is hard and I you will go into depths of despair both of you. I was suprised how I took it when H told me. I thought I would never forgive him and be very vindictive... but it actually made me relise how much I love him and wanted to keep our marriage. So we are both working together on it now. The pain is HORRIFIC though... so expect a huge up and down in feelings. One day I am fine next... wham..... then back to ok.... and this is 8 months down the track but I can progress and there is deep love.... I wish you all the best you are going the right track and I can see you really want to work things out. Good luck

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alex6:
<strong>Thanks JL,

I don't know if I will ever NOT feel like a bad person again. I keep trying to hold onto the idea that someday, God will forgive me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alex, no, you are not a bad person. A bad person would not care about the damage they inflicted on their spouse and would not be here agonizing about revealing the truth. Just remember, the damage has already been done, your spouse just doesn't know it yet. To continue to withhold it would only compound that damage. He has a right to know this information.

It is the compassionate thing to tell your spouse, it is the right thing. I think if you put your feelings aside and focus on that, it might be easier to face. No matter what, it won't be easy, the tough things never are.

So just steel yourself and walk into it. Then come here and let us help you through it. You will get lots of support here, Alex.

Dear Alex

I don't post often anymore. I still lurk, but I have found it too painful at times to see the new people coming through, their own crisis as I try and move on from mine.

You asked if there was anyone out there who knew how you felt and had been in your position. Yes, me. I had an A and my XH found out. Note, I say XH as we are divorced. One thing that I didn't do was find this site soon enough and "come clean". X found e-mails between myself and some friends. The devastation of d-day just over a year ago (6th July 2002) will always live with me forever.

You have a much better chance that me. For the first 3 months I drifted through life, living the pain, living the guilt, missing OM, being in withdrawal. You actively want to heal and reapir your M. By the time I got to the point when I did, it was too late, as X decided it was easier to go off with someone else.... He is now serious about her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Can't see that one lasting somehow....

Alex, so very much I could tell and share with you, but the main thing to remember is this

You want to save your M, you are deeply remorseful and one day you will again be able to look yourself in the mirror and recognise who you see. I didn't believe it myself, I thought I would never like myself again. But I have learnt so very much from MB. I learnt that whilst I did a truly terrible thing, I am not a terrible person. We all fail at times in our lives, it is what we do with the knowledge that we gain afterwards that is important.

Take your chances to review who you are, why you let yourself go and to give everything back to your H if he is willing to try with you. I truly hope he will, and many who come here first find that they can survive and recover their Ms.

I wish you the very best of luck, and remember what the wise old sage JL said - time and patience. If he said it to me once, well he said it hundreds of times, but you would do well to listen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wishing you well from hot sunny London.

Lisa