I already asked this question once, but didn't get too many replys. I have a letter prepared to e-mail my wife's former affair partner. I want to send it to him and see what he has to say for himself and to find out what all he did to her. My wife doesn't want to talk about it and give me any real details because she says it just gives the devil something to hurt us with. We are doing find now, but I'm haunted by this guy every day and I have this desire to know more of the facts. I know where he lives, his phone number and more and I'm about to do something, because my mind is not getting any relief. She got taken by a womanizer who worked on her for months at work until he got what he wanted. When they we doing it he even told her that "I knew I'd get you to give in". He's a disgusting man that does this to every married woman (he threatens them) and single one he can and especially women of the opposite race. He's a stereotype that I don't want to get into. My wife goes on like nothing ever happened and it happened nearly 3 years ago, but I just found out about the sex part last fall. Something has got to give and I can't wait much longer to send this e-mail to him. I'll find out what all he did to her one way or another. I'm just scratching the surface of what I feel and I don't have any good source to talk about this matter with. My pastor has this picture perfect life and family and there's no way someone like that can relate to what I've gone through. I don't even hear pastors discuss what to do after a wife has had an affair on you. I can't get this stuff out of my head and I especially can't get it out with her not showing any emotional suffering. It's like nothing ever happened. I'm going on about things too like nothing every happened, but I keep it inside so that we don't have any problems and I know she won't talk about it. It's eating me up inside and she's done nothing to help ease my burden. Anyone got any good thoughts on this? I can't believe that most people would say, just go on with life and forget it. It don't work that way for me. I have things that reminds me of the deed happen almost daily. HELP

T,

The A has been over for 3 years and OM is still controlling your life. Your wife chose your marriage over the womanizing, stereotypical OM. What good will it really do to know all the details. I think your wife should tell you what you want to know. I don't think you need to bring him back into your life. If he is as you describe him what makes you thing he will even tell you. Maybe he would welcome the opportunity to push the knife in a little deeper.

He could embelish the facts. He could tell you how your wife told him what a better lover he was. That he was better endowed and how he made her feel like no one ever has. Bottom line it is your choice whether you send the letter or not but make sure you are prepared for what you might hear.

Terry... It seems to have been awhile since this has happened and I'm sorry that it is still very hard for you. I can't imagine what you are going through. However, in reading your story, I couldn't help but want to say that with the description of this man, he is definately someone you should be glad is out of your lives now. Also that your W didn't seem to care for him and knows that he is nothing but a flanderer... There is no emotional involvement that binds them right? Or are they still in contact? Still, yes, I know its hard. Being a former WS myself, I think you need to be dealing with your W. She seems to have given you half truths setting you back to dealing with disclosure all over again. Why did she even tell you if she's not willing to help you? Those are a few questions I think might be helpful for you to find ways to get her to reassure you that she has moved on. What you are both in need of buiding is the intimacy; She should be trying like hell to gain back your trust and put your mind at ease... by letting you know he meant nothing to her... Thats what you need to know and she dosn't seem to be helping you gain closure by not talking... You must be still feeling shut out. You know, I never intended on telling my H about my OM. Nor did he ask for details when it finally did come out. But telling and giving him the details and truths has helped us immensely. I am willing to tell him anything he wants to know... But most importanly to let him know that I am the one who is repsonsible for my actions not the OM. If your W is unhappy or isn't getting her needs met, then it is her responsibilty to let you know... And maybe thats where you could start is by getting some professional help to help you both talk to each other about it. Will she do it?

Hope that helps.......
Peace.......MJ

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 12:28 AM: Message edited by: MissJ ]</small>

Terry,

The first thing you need to consider is your W's reactions and feelings about you contacting the OM.

The second thing you need to consider is the fact that this happened 3 years ago and YOU contacting him could also urge him to contact your W. You DEFINATLEY don't want that.

The third thing you need to consider is the fact that almost everything that he might tell you could be fabricated.

Boy oh boy do I know how it is to not know all the facts and feel like that is the only thing in the world that will help you heal.

It's like your wife has given you a 1000 piece puzzle and it has 300 pieces missing and she won't show you the picture on the box. Impossible to put it together.

When I felt this way.....about a year and a half ago, I learned the hard way that some things are better left alone.....and the answers that I thought I needed didn't really help me heal. Some of them actually made me feel worse.

To this day there are still things I don't know....but have questions about.....but they don't bother me anymore.....they pass through my mind for seconds and then they are gone, without a thought given to them.

What my H did was in the past and by wanting to know all these things I was bringing the past back up. I don't want to do or say anything that reminds my H of the OW.

My H told me that while I was asking all these ?'s it was making him think of her and he didn't want to...I surely didn't want him to.
He also told me that wanting to know everything really turned him away from me because his time with the OW had nothing to do with me.....which it didn't. I had to accept that.

It's understandable to have ?'s about things....but your W is with you now and you say you are doing fine.....so what kind of ? could you have that could make your relationship with your W better?

That is all that matters......you and your W.

Not what happened 3 years ago. It has no bearing on your relationship now does it? Other than she doesn't want to talk about it?

The WS goes through alot also.....and I assume your W went through quite a bit if she was used in any certain way....mentally or physically.

I'm sure she would just rather forget about it and move on. Maybe she is embarassed to even think about what she did?

Don't contact him - this is about you and she, not about you and he, and it sounds like you and she are not doing so well. Get, read TOGETHER, and discuss, "Torn Asunder", by Carder. There is probably no better book for Christians after an affair, though "Surviving an Affair", by Harley, is also excellent. I know SAA was reecommended to you in a previous post. Did you ever read it?

Terry,

I don't think its a good idea for you to contact this guy. It can come to no good result. This man will not give you any relevent information. He will probably lie to you and may even try to rub your nose in it.

The truth must come from your wife. While it might be more comfortable for her to withhold the facts, it is killing you. You are being sacrificed for her comfort. She is not withholding because she doesn't want to hurt you, but because she doesn't want to look at your face when she tells you the truth. She doesn't want to face the consequences of her actions. And who does?

You are dying a death of a thousand cuts as long as she keeps facts about YOUR LIFE from you. She is doing nothing to restore the marriage when it is the OM who knows things about your marriage that you don't. You will not recover until she answers your questions and the absolute truth is the LEAST she owes you, Terry. Withholding these facts from you is JUST AS cruel as having the affair.

Here is what Harley says about the principle of honesty and protection:

"It isn't honesty that causes the pain, it's the affair. Honesty is simply revealing truth to the victim. Those who advocate dishonesty regarding infidelity assume that the truth will cause such irreparable harm, that it's in the best interest of a victimized spouse to go through life with the illusion of fidelity.

It's patronizing to think that a spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Anyone who assumes that their spouse cannot handle truth is being incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and in the final analysis, dangerous. How little you must think of your spouse when you try to protect him or her from the truth.

It's not only patronizing, but it's also false to assume that your spouse cannot bear to hear the truth. Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. The unsuspecting spouse of an unfaithful husband or wife wonders why their marriage is not more fulfilling and more intimate. Knowledge of an affair would make it clear why all efforts have failed.

After revealing an affair, your spouse will no longer trust you. But lack of trust does not ruin a marriage, it's the lack of care and protection that ruins marriages. Your spouse should not trust you, and the sooner your spouse realizes it, the better. "

While these words apply to the revelation of an affair, the same principles are very relevent to your situation.

Originally posted by TerryFX:
I have a letter prepared to e-mail my wife's former affair partner. I want to send it to him and see what he has to say for himself
What are you gonna do when he ignores it? (I would). You still won't have any "facts."

and to find out what all he did to her.
Don't place the blame solely on him. She was an active, willing partcipant.

We are doing find now,
If so, why are you, "haunted by this guy every day"?

He's a disgusting man that does this to every married woman (he threatens them)
Call the cops if he threatened her.

I'll find out what all he did to her one way or another.
If neither of them fesses up, how will you find out anything. Also, again, they did it together. If she was NOT a willing participant, then the police should be called imediately.

I don't even hear pastors discuss what to do after a wife has had an affair on you.
What fo you think you should "do" with her? Sounds like oyu think she deserves some kind of a "payback".

I'm going on about things too like nothing every happened, but I keep it inside so that we don't have any problems
You keep saying you have no problems but it is extremely obvious, you have a big problem.

Have you thought about calling Steve Harley here at Marriage Builders? I'd recommend it. You both need to do a lot of opening up to each other. In order to do this, you need to make each other feel "safe" when this happens.

Read the links in my sig below.