I started going to an IC two months after the A began because my H said I was psychotic. I dropped her, disregarded her advice not to contact OW or OW's H, and that's how the A came to light. After several months of failure with a MC, I went back to her. She said Sophia was a smokescreen. Lots of Sophias. Lots of people with whom a person can have an A. The real issue is that Tom chose to have an A.

She asked me to ask Tom this question: "Do you want to seek happiness in and through the M, or do you want to remain married and seek happiness outside the M?"

His response was that he wants my support for all his outside activities. Well, I went way down that path beginning in 1998. He resented any time with me or the kids. Now it appears that he wants to go back to that way of life, only he won't have another A.

I'm not sure what to do about that. I tried to be content but I was unhappy. I told him I felt like the maid and the nanny. I told him I felt like a roommate. His response was that I'm the one who wanted to stay home and have four kids.

The A seems to be fading in importance for me. It was just the final straw, showing how little he cared for me. Now he seems to be saying he still wants to be married but he wants to lead his own life. This really hurts. I feel abandoned. What does it matter whether he has another A if he doesn't want to spend time with me or the kids?

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

dear broken...

your post just leaves a heavy tug on my heart...

I think you need to dig real real deep...and find your worth and value in this....and while there is no doubt that there is no easier task in the world than for me to sit at this monitor and say those words to you...
I KNOW and I GET what I am telling you is not easy....BUT what you are confused about and contemplating....is accepting things that in your mind are unacceptable....

You've been down this road before...and yet you stand there again...and what is more frightening than thinking you might do "that" again...is your belief that it is your choice or YOUR responsibility...

WRONG WRONG WRONG....it is HIS...

YOU YOU YOU are of great value and worth in this universe as are your children....
YOU and THEY deserve joy and happiness in your world...
YOU need to come to place to believe this and know this....and that his denial of your and your childrens worth...is his choice alone...

YOU get on with finding you...finding that place that when he says to you that you wanted four children...you throw your head back and smile and tell him that you thank God for every second of their lives...and that he is the one missing out....

Move slowly and gather strength each and every day...that his actions are not your responsibility...

I am not telling you to leave him...I am telling you to find that person inside of you strong enough to dance through life each day...finding peace within ...and invite him to dance with you...and if he chooses to sit out...it is he who has lost...and you who will continue to gain...

AND THEN when you have really worked on you...being the person YOU visualize...NOT HIS VISION, yours....you may dance him in to the dust...and never look back....or he may wake up and realize that as much as he thinks he can blame the institution of marriage and being tied down with four children...he is only running from himself....and where ever he goes...there he is..

I feel only pity for his words...he is lost right now...turning his back on the real blessings of life....you are not abandoned...HE is....

don't you get sucked down with him......dig deep my friend...

work on you you you...
I know this sounds like some touchy feely post...and I'm not talking about warm bubble baths...I'm talking about you coming to that point in life when he says he resents time with his kids...you feel only detached sorrow...for someone so blind...not YOU him...

ARK

Ark,
Your post made me cry. I have come to realize that I will not be cajoled, threatened or guilted into saying it is OK for him to meet his needs at my expense. I'm not his life partner. I'm the obstacle to his happiness. Who wants that?

<small>[ July 10, 2003, 09:00 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

No broken heart..

he is responsible for his happiness...and claiming things like his own children as direct obstacle to his happiness is someone so lossed and removed from real feelings....

YOU do not stand in his way...
He stands in yours ...and this is not male bashing or attacking him...this is looking objectively at the insaneness of someone who views their children as a resentment...and has no
reasonable idea or concept of what a real marriage/partnership is...
YOU are not his partner because HE has no idea of what that really is...
not because you have failed....

I say again right now he is lost....
So find your footing and peace and maybe he will wake up and join you...

broken heart changing our own thought patterns and looking at things in a new way is hard and scarey...

But if you attempt to "make" him happy by doing things that in reality are a negative to you and your family...it will fail...

Do not accept his blame for what he alone is responsible for....
ARK

Thank you for your words. I am at a point of decision, and I know it. After a year of my being hysterical about the affair, I now see it was just another example of inconsideration and lack of care for me.

And now he wants to join a foursome for weekly golf. Actually, it is re-join. I am sticking to my guns. I told him I will no longer tolerate his meeting his needs at the expense of me and the children. The ball's in his court.

It is tough to realize that this golf foursome could end our marriage, but it is really his continuing attitude of inconsideration. Scary...

Pardon my resentment, but what gets me is that these selfish whatevers $%!^ spend time with their OP when what we wanted was some of their time.

I agree with ark and found your words inspiring. Live strong and find what makes you happy. For so long it was chasing after my H trying to meet his needs. Now it's becoming a stronger person. Plan trips and outings...invite him along, but if he doesn't go...oh well. have you thought of a vacation to a place YOU'D like to go to?

I tried to meet my H's need for freedom and time away. Two years ago on Father's Day, he had the best possible Father's Day gift -- he went golfing with his buddies. I took the kids to the zoo. Lots of families there, all with fathers. Volunteers were handing out carnations to the fathers. And Tom was golfing.

I'm taking my kids out to visit my parents. My mother has said she will never see him again no matter what. On the day I found out about the affair, I left her a message on her answering machine telling her that he had had an affair and that he had broken my arm 4 months earlier, 12 days after major surgery (including a hysterectomy) which had forced me to stay in the hospital 5 days and abruptly wean our 10 month old.

I can rehash all the hurt. He has plenty, too. What strikes me is that he wants to continue to be inconsiderate -- to meet his needs at the expense of his family. I won't put up with that anymore. Ultimately, the affair wasn't so awful because he was attracted to another woman or fell in love with her or thought he should have married her. It was so awful because he was inconsiderate of me and the children. He met his needs at our expense. It's all about him, not about Sophia or me.