Holiday @ Mum's & Dad's was great. Got a lot accomplished.

Anyways, I am now learning towards talking divorce. Things that keep running through my mind:

*We disagreed about having a family. WH did not want a family 1 year ago.
*What if we reconcile, have a family and he did this again?
*I am worried about the (apparent) porn/Asian girl problem. What if we had a couple of daughters ... with Chinese features??

Other questions on my mind:
* What are the signs it is time to move from Plan B to Plan D?
* If you have little respect left for WH, can't see a shared future, have become extremely embarrassed/humiliated by the A situation and feel sick at the thought of living with WH ... would this indicate it is time to move out of Plan B?
* Meeting with WH concerning division of assets ... what is the best way to do this? Should I take a witness?

The thing is, I still have a tiny shred of hope - mustard seed size if you will. I don't want to end Plan B a day too early JUST IN CASE. But just want this whole ordeal to end.

Plan B can have only two possible outcomes:

1. Your WH continues living with the OW indefinitely, and your love bank for him finally closes. Divorce is the most likely outcome.

2. He contacts you and expresses a desire to end all contact with the OW forever AND a willingness to commit to a marital recovery plan which includes counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy(Cerri) and strict observance of The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage. Marital recovery is the most likely outcome.

A problem occurs when you are in outcome #1 and you finally decide to divorce him, when he suddenly contacts you and expresses he wants outcome #2. Many a BS at this point takes the WS back without holding him/her accountable to the conditions of outcome #2, and only end up in a false recovery (not good). Without an agreement to follow thru with the conditions for marital recovery, you basically end up in the same boat you were before going into Plan B.

quote"
* If you have little respect left for WH, can't see a shared future, have become extremely embarrassed/humiliated by the A situation and feel sick at the thought of living with WH ... would this indicate it is time to move out of Plan B?

I think it would indicate to ME that I would not only want to move on, but be HAPPY to move on. Why would you want to continue in misery? Because you love him? What sense does it make to hold a glimmer of hope, and yet see what you would end up with.
__________________________________________________

You know, In my opinion, it does not matter if you are in Plan A or Plan B or Plan C, D, E etc.
What I see that happens over and over and over again when the WS comes back. And comes back willing and ready to try, is when the BS has convinced the WS that they may have let go of trying to save the relationship. So, until you do that, it will not matter what plan you are in because the WS usually does not come back until they "perceive you have let go".

I would highly recommend that you start thinking of what YOU want with your life if he is not going to be in it. You wanna divorce, it may not be a bad idea. He sounds like a loser. Do you really want someone like that. If you do, what is wrong with your self esteem that keeps you from holding your head up high and saying to yourself,"I can and WILL be with someone who WANTS to be with me and acts like it. If not I would rather be alone. This is the attitude that gets them to really really look at what they may be losing.

As Doctor Dobson so insightfully
put in his own words about relationships..

quote:
"You see, not only are our emotions affected by the challenge of pursuit, but also by the possibility of irrevocable loss." (don't know about you but that's true with me)

This is why they do not come back when you are trying so hard to save it. The WS is following his or her feelings. They do not FEEL they love you so their emotions are not so affected. Then when they think you may have let go...(see Dobson quote for answer). Then their FEELINGS start to change. This is when you start to regain some power in the relationship. Your emotions have been affected because of this "possibility of irrevocable loss".

So, you are out NOTHING if you move on, because that may be your best chance to have the relationship work.(Get it???)

And if that does not work.. See your first quote above about what you would be losing.
_________________________________________________

Grrrr! WH & the C(oncubine) have gone away for the weekend to the same place where WE SPENT OUR HONEYMOON!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Has this man lost it or what?

I only discovered this because I tried to contact him, having decided that Plan B is at an end, in order to discuss how to divide up our matrimonial property.

Also, she has e-mailed his parents, and they just love getting e-mails from her - they are always so interesting!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

This sucks. I definitely need to move on.

Claire,

I am sorry you are in such pain..... that tactic of taking the OW to those kinds of memory places is a common WS tactic. Kinda like they are trying to replace your memory with a nightmare.

Keep that thought for now. This has happened before and yes you need to decide what to do.

If your Inlaws are being stupid, then maybe it is hereditary and you need to move forward with your life. NO sense being stuck with a foggy WS and his foggier parents.

take the vaccuum cleaner.

take care,
L.

I thought I had decided to opt for a divorce. Now I am confused. Am consulting with a lawyer on Wednesday concerning extracting my fair share of the relationship assets from WH.

No contact with WH since the pub photo on my birthday (I know, I know ..... poor decision, but worth the laugh).

I know that I don't want a husband who:
-won't have a family
-uses pornography
-has a strange affiliation for oriental gals
-is bone lazy and idle when it comes to household chores
-restricts my religious beliefs and practices
-cannot be relied on to support me financially (should I ever need support)
-is trying to turn me into a muscle freak girl
-wants me to get mammary enhancement
-won't come to watch me play hockey
-won't let me play my piano because he needs to watch TV
-criticises my family (I will admit they are odd) and refuses to stay with them.

I know that I can do far, far better than WH, but I am reluctant to cut him loose. Why??

Claire:

Probably reluctant to cut him loose for the same reasons that you married him....

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, MIMI?!! THAT I'M STUPID or SOMETHING??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just Kidding.

What stops me from cutting the dead weight loose?
* It's the thought that there must be SOMETHING good that is still alive in WH.
* The desire to have a family. As I write this I realise how utterly stupid this one is!!! No child deserves a father like my WH!!!
* Uncertainty as to whether it is God's will that this marriage be dissolved.

On this 3rd point, I am feeling more and more as if this is where God is leading me. Before I was thinking that getting through the A and into recovery was the test God was putting in front of me. Now I am thinking that the divorce is the real test. It is a test of my forgiveness for WH and OW, a test of my love for myself, and my trust in God to lead me out of a dark situation to where He wants me to be.

I spoke with the Vicar at our former Parish today. I have been out of the Church for about 2.5 years, ever since WH told me he would divorce me if I continued to go to that particular Church. I used to teach Sunday School and do altar service!!! I started attending Church again about 5 weeks ago.

I discussed the A, the marriage before the A, WH's family (3 vicars, one of whom married us), WH's behaviour during the M, his current spell with Buddhism ..... This was the first time I have taked to our Vicar over the breakdown of my M.

The thought occurred to me soon after DDay that WH is so far from God that God needs time alone with him to heal him. This is a big job, considering the foray into Buddhism. Last night I found myself praying for a miracle. Praying that WH would be healed of his OW addiction, that the porn problem would disappear, that WH would turn away from the Buddhist thing, that WH would choose to honour all his marriage vows. I know that this would be possible for God to do, but somehow, I don't feel that this is God's will. I know God has something great planned for me, if only I will do the hard yards and put my trust in Him to take care of everything.

Claire

I haven't been posting much - trying to stay away a bit as I move through my own divorce process and on with my life.

I dip in and out from time to time and follow your post.

Listen, it is perfectly natural that you are not sure about DV, and there is absolutely no reason to rush into it. You will know when the time is right. It is however important that you do take some legal advice and find out what your entitlements are and how you stand. I did that and it certainly made me feel better.

As to me, I don't think that when I filed I wanted the DV, I just knew there was no chance of reconciliation - H was deeply ensconsed with Shiney Head and just wouldn't take responsibility for any of his actions prior to my A. I was also told that in the UK, if I left it for 2 years (which would be the other option rather than filing on the grounds of adultry or some such), I could be liable for a) any debt X would run up (very probable), and b) he could claim anything from me in terms of finances (unlikely, but if I won the lottery, he'd be entitled to half). I wanted to secure the house as my home and as I say I just knew.

How do I feel now? Absolutely fine and ready for the Divorve Absolute on 4th August. I have few regrets and even less feeling for my X who frankly is a liar, maniuplator and cheat. I keep finding out more about his lies etc. and realise absolutely that my life is better without him. Sad but true.....

Can't answer about the God thing as I'm not religious, but I honestly believe you should not rush anything. When the time is right, you will know.

Thinking of you in baking hot, sunny London.

Lisa

Lovely to hear from you again Lisa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I absolutely agree that one will know when the time is right ... I went off to see the lawyer this morning, and will (unfortunately) need to speak to WH concerning a few matters, such as establishing the separation date and extracting my fair share of the relationship property. I have measures in place to be able to take care of any silly behaviour from him concerning division of assets.

I am seeing this process as a series of tactical manoeuvres to ensure that I come away with what I am rightfully entitled to.

Apart from the periodic bout of uncertainty as to whether I still love him enough to want to try again, this process is a practical exercise and I am surprised at the lack of emotion I feel over splitting up our household. In a sense, I am really only the rearward party doing the clean up. All of the tears have already been shed over the death of the hopes and dreams for the future.

I had a vivid dream last night that WH came back. In this whole time I have only had one other dream about WH and OW - they were drowining in a stream (possibly the torrent of lies and deceit their lives have become?)

In last night's dream, OW was nowhere to be found.

This threw me into a bit of a spin, but of course it was only a dream (oooh, 2nd thoughts - maybe it was a nightmare!).

Yesterday I e-mailed WH concerning
1. establishing separation date
2 details of his debts on the separation date
3 the return of my wedding ring

It was a matter of fact e-mail. Very Plan B.
I signed it; Warm wishes, Claire, No1 Wife

He would also have received the tenancy form asking him to remove his name from the lease on my flat.

No responses yet. He is probably going to comply quietly and let things go on as they are.

One thing that does make me laugh in all of this is the fact that I am "No1 Wife" and OW is the Concubine!!! Just wait til I get my chance to boss her around!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />