Hi There:

I have been reading the information on this site and the forums since I discovered it a few months ago. I started having an internet affair in February with someone who I knew casually who lives in the same town as me. At first it was because I was lonely when my husband was working afternoons. Then we got to the point where we'd be chatting a few times a day. We started meeting to go to auctions. Then it become physical. All told we only "consumated" the affair three times. The real betrayal was through chatting and e-mails. My husband found out in mid-April when I'd forgotten to delete an e-mail.

I said I would stop all contact and for a few weeks I did. Our chatting/e-mails were rarely ever sexual and barely even flirtatious, just friendly, joking around stuff mostly. I CAN'T SEEM TO STOP. I have tons of willpower and control in every other aspect of my life and I just can't seem to stop this. I started going to a therapist alone as my husband and I figured out - largely through here - that I have a definite abnormal need for admiration. I have self esteem problems going back 20 years that I need to deal with. We have not gone to marriage counselling yet. So last night he asked if I was still e-mailing Chris and I told the truth and said I had but that I was doing everything I could not to and to please be patient with me. I know a lot of people are going to be angry at me for saying that here as it really doesn't appear that I am trying. I've gone from once or more a day contact to lasting almost a week but I can't seem to stop it all together. I don't even know what I'm asking here. Sorry to waste everyone's time. I think my husband will leave tonight and I can't blame him in the least.

ImaMess,

I read something recently that suggested will power is really not the issue for many things. It is the persons evaluation of risk vs. reward. Sort of the old Fear and Greed my father had told me about.

he pointed out to me that most people do things out of fear (of losing something, pain, whatever) or Greed (they liked something,or they wanted something). His advice to me was to figure out what it was that motivated someone and it would be easier to deal with them and accept them. He also cautioned if I ran into someone that didn't seem to be motivated by Fear and Greed, to stay away from them. They are dangerous.

While you didn't ask anything, let me ask you something. What motivates you to do this? What do you get out of it? What do you fear happening if you continue, if you stop? Is it worth it?

This isn't a matter of will power, it is a matter of decisions and deciding what meets your needs best. Once you understand that, I think you will find that the right decision and the right actions will become easier. Your H might even help you. He could be now, if you had been honest with him.

You do know he is very likely deeply hurt by your affair? Right?

Please do some thinking on this matter.

God Bless,

JL

Hello Ima,
I don't come here as much anymore, but I'm glad I did this morning. First of all, it's great you came here so early in this whole mess. I wish I'd had this happen to me. I discovered MB when it was far too late.

I think JL is right. Listen to his words.

I think also I need to add my part. You can stay away from this OM!! At this point, you're still involved in the fantasy of it. If, like me, you let the relationship with OM develop, so to speak,...and you ruin your marriage as I did--then you'll see OM for what he is.

My affair started as yours did, over the internet. Six months after meeting him online, I met him in person. He lived far away so the R was mostly long distance until he moved closer. By that time I was separated. Up until then, he wasn't even separated. ( I started A with him in late 1998, and ended it mid 2002!)

I didn't come out of my 'fog' completely until I found MB in the spring of 2002. I started posting here in SEptember, after the divorce was final.

I ended it with OM right before the divorce was final. The affair sickened me, and it still does.

You need to take a look at what you're risking. I didn't do that, and quite frankly when I did at times I thought it was a risk worth taking.

Here I sit now, a year after divorce is final--still loving and wanting my exhusband. I started the A when my exH was working awful hours, as yours does. Guess what? Now I'm completely alone. If I thought I was lonely before, I was wrong. Sure, I could 'look' for a relationship, but I can't as I still love my exHusband and only think of him. Do you see the bind I'm in? I can't move forward, and I don't want to--as I see what I've lost so clearly.

I don't know if my preaching has helped. I'm simply telling you like it is, as a former cheater who's now lost a 30 year relationship/21 year marriage. Quit talking to this man, and focus on your husband. Consider yourself lucky that your husband was willing to forgive you at all. Mine wasn't, and I'm still praying for a miracle!

H_P

Thank you and H_P.

I am thinking. What I have trouble doing is feeling. When I let it in I feel soooooo terrible and pathetic and worthless that I have to shut it out or I would feel so bad about myself I'm afraid of what would happen. I had a lond talk with my husband and he is still willing to forgive and try to move forward and work on us. I phoned a made an appointment for MC as well. I hope to post lots of positive results here in the future!

Oops, that should have said thank you JL and H_P!

Imamess,
I'm glad JL's and my words helped a bit.

It's a blessing that you feel terrible NOW, as it's gotten you to change your course of actions. I wish I'd felt like that earlier on.

In time your awful feelings will lessen a bit, but realistically you'll continue to feel guilt for a long, long time. How could we not?

I don't know if you're religious or not, but if you are a believer in God I suggest you thank Him for the fact that your husband forgives you. If you've read around here at MB at all you'll see that many men in his position do not forgive their wives.

Again, please focus on your husband. I'm still devastated that I've lost mine. The sad part is, I have to accept that I did it myself. No 'exciting' feelings that happened during the affair were worth an iota of what I've lost. In time, you'll look back and see your affair for what it truly was. It's just tough now as you're still in a state of withdrawal.

Take care,
H_P