Hello. This is my first posting - hope I've done it OK.

My W has recently finished a 6 month on-and-off A and when she spilled the beans ( of her own accord - does that mean anything?) she blamed it on our circumstances, lifestyle, everything ( including the
kitchen sink) but also gave a list things she didn't like about my behaviour, and things that I've done or not done in the past.

Now I've accepted the fact that I'm partly responsible for her A and appologised for my part in this mess, but I'm sure she's convinced herself that the whole thing is down to me. Consequently, before we can
get cosy again, I have this wall of resentment to overcome. She was deeply unhappy about a number of things in her life when she had the A, but, I feel, will not accept responsibility for being unable to deal
with them. I also fear that If I eat too much humble pie then she'll loose her respect for me ( this was one of her complaints about me) but want to make the changes to make our marriage work. Once, we
were deeply in love and very happy.

Has anyone experienced similar problems.

P.S. Just for the record, she also says she thinks she may not love me anymore She seems to equate love with wanting to get physical with me. I could get physical with her at the drop of a hat (she's
gorgeous) but I wonder how much of that is insecurity and me wanting to reclaim my territory, so as to speak.

P.P.S. Excuse my strange English - I am English!

KIT.

star*bump

Kit, I replied to you on the EN board, so I'm bumping this up to get the attention of some of the folks over here who have a great deal of knowledge and experience for you. Good Luck....hope this gets you some more responses.

Thanks Starfish for directing me here.

Kit,

What you have posted here is no different than what many of us have gone through. I am in recovery with my wife right now, but over all of this, she has said many of the things yours has.

Read everything here. Get educated into the dynamics of relationships, meeting ENs, etc. Read Surving an Affair.

It will be hard, but your wife will come out of this if you help guide her. She is in the fog. You can lead her out due to your example, and following the principles on this website.

In His arms.

Kit,

I may not be 1 of the guys.....but here's my 2 cents.

Your W did a confessed and did a list?

You read the list and acknowledged your piece and felt you sufficiently apologized?

Yet there is a wall?

Hm....

1. Where is your list? Make a list, check it twice then when you feel it is an accurate list, give it to her.

2. How much of her list was in your opinion, bogus? Read it again and then answer this question.

IMHO, you did NOT contribute to the A. WS do the A by themselves (unless it was a 3some - YUCK). What you did contribute to was the breakdown in the M. We all do. H & W's alike.

Not enough to warrant the fix of any sort with an A. NEVER!!!! So don't apologize for the A. Tell her that. Tell her you apologize for not being a better H but NOT for sending her to have an A.

In your honest opinion, how much more of what you do will truly help the M?

Marital recovery requires both H & W working together. For now, personal recovery is primary. Sounds like you both have some work ahead.

If you are still living together, then you can do a bit of both but personal recovery needs to come first. Little M recovery items can be as simple as 'picking up your clothes', sending flowers, saying TY, ILY, brushing your teeth - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (not meaning you don't but habits that annoy, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ), etc. But not too much.....improve in your habits is good all the time that is being considerate but the ILYs/flowers should not be overdone. You don't want her to take you for granted again right?!?!?

IMHO, that will start tearing a whole in the 'wall' of yours. Later we can start working on how to build that bridge where the wall once stood. Not overpass but a bridge. Got it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KIT:
<strong>Now I've accepted the fact that I'm partly responsible for her A and appologised for my part in this mess, but I'm sure she's convinced herself that the whole thing is down to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KIT welcome to MB.

You are equally responsible for contributing to the bad state of your marriage (she is to) that created the environment for her A to happen. BUT etch the following inside your head: Your WW(wayward wife) is solely, 100% responsible for chosing to have an A(affair)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Consequently, before we can get cosy again, I have this wall of resentment to overcome.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BOTH of you have resentment that must be overcomed if there is any hope for your marriage to survive and the only way to do this is to start forgiving each other. You MUST forgive her betrayal and she MUST forgive your neglect. But even if she is not willing or unable to forgive you, you must forgive her to be able to move on with your life no matter what happens to your marriage. It would be very sad if your resentment followed you if you and her decided to divorce, and you later met someone else you fell in love with while still carrying this heavy load that resentment represents. Forgiveness is NOT a gift you give to her BUT a gift you give to yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She was deeply unhappy about a number of things in her life when she had the A, but, I feel, will not accept responsibility for being unable to deal with them.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your are right AND you must be honest with her by communicating this to her in a calm, quiet, and non accusatory way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also fear that If I eat too much humble pie then she'll loose her respect for me ( this was one of her complaints about me)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And it would be fruitless to do so anyway. Respect begets respect.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">P.S. Just for the record, she also says she thinks she may not love me anymore She seems to equate love with wanting to get physical with me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very normal because most women equate having sex with a man with being in love with that man. Keep in mind that for many a WW, d-day (discovery day, the day the BS(betrayed spouse) discovers the A), does not mean that her feelings are all of sudden going to end for the OM and transfer back to you. First she has to agree to end all contact with the OM(other man, her lover) forever by writting a no contact letter to him, and commit herself to a marital recovery plan that includes counseling with a pro-marriage oriented professional like Steve Harley from Marriage Builders Counseling Center or Penny Tupy (our resident MB coach with the username of Cerri) from Saving Your Marriage Central AND to strictly follow the principles embodied in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage . And even if she agrees to all of this, she will most likely go thru withdrawl from the OM which is very normal and you need to have plenty of love and patience to weather this hard part of recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could get physical with her at the drop of a hat (she's gorgeous) but I wonder how much of that is insecurity and me wanting to reclaim my territory, so as to speak.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is very normal behavior, especially for male BS(betrayed spouses) BUT if you press her for sex she may resent you because she may beleive that you only want her as a piece of meat to be reclaimed and not because you truly care and love for her. So take the pressure of having sex by telling her that you will not force the issue of sex until she is ready and willing.

More wiser folks will come to help you with their wise words, so keep checking back to read their replys.

I added this when I posted the above in the EN section

I suppose the obvious assumption is that it’s me that is resentful, when in fact what I should have emphasised is that I think it’s my wife that is resentful, for all the things she says I’ve done to ‘make’ her have this affair. I can’t help feeling that , for her to overcome this, then she has to face her own demons. If she can’t do that then she can always fall back on saying she doesn’t love me, although it is possible that she doesn’t.

I'm convinced I've not handled things too well because I've been too keen to make amends for my part in it so I can get back what I miss so much. When you have a person's love, you take it for granted, but when it goes, it's like an huge part of what you are is missing and you don't know who you are any more. It seems like it was always there, taken for granted, but still glowing gently in the background, keeping you warm and safe, and now it's gone. Add this to the fact that you're constantly scrutinising your own feelings and actions, rather than doing what comes naturally (as this is what helped to get you in the **** in the first place) and you just end up totally confused. Sometimes it seems like you’ve been betrayed, and now you have to betray yourself. Of course, a more positive spin on this would be that your working on self-improvement, which is the way I’m looking at it. In truth, I wouldn’t want to go back to being the way I was and probably wouldn’t appreciate some of my former ‘Qualities’ if they were in displayed others, especially my wife.

The spouse's emotions are even more confusing to me as I don't even believe half of what she says, and I obviously didn't do a very good job of reading them before, or I may have been able to nip the whole thing in the bud before it happened. Sorry, I'm rambling a bit...

Her resentment towards you may be a manifestation of her inner resentment towards herself. You can't force her to conquer her resentment, it is something she has to herself for herself. She can't forgive you without first forgiving herself, and it sounds like she has not forgiven herself yet.

Don't kid yourself that you don't have any resentment towards her because you do. You may not want to admit it, like she doesn't want to admit her responsibility for chosing to have an A, but it is there and she'll probably tell you she's felt it and seen it. Start forgiving yourself and then forgive her for it is the only way that you will be free to move on with your life with or without her.

Others have covered the initial issues pretty good. There is a lot of self-educating to do, don't rush ahead till you do. I would suggest you simply look at your wife, try to understand who she is, apparently there were things you may not have understood. Anger (hers) is a common understandable defensive technique..the best advice is not to return fire, be a steady "bloke" but do not be wimpy, hold her accountable. You sound like a conflict avoider, and a peoplepleaser. While these traits are more socially admirable they have consequences too, you are either taken advantage of, or distrusted. You may want to consider (and sounds like you are) how you conduct your life and make some changes. Lots of work kit, this is not a short term project, will take a couple years, your marriage may or may not survive, but you will emerge a better person, and safer partner, so it is worthwhile. For now, hopefully the affair has stopped, give her space, and let her choose her participation...unless the affair is on-going which requires a different approach. As you change, she will notice and respond in some manner, you may be ok, or not, with that response. Just be patient, and not demanding.

KIT: PLEASE read through the Basic Concepts section of this site from beginning to end. See if it doesn't give you a new (and helpful) perspective on the "she doesn't love me" question.

There are many other tools suggested in the tlink in my signature line, but start with that.

KIT,

Wondering how you are doing today. If you come back, please post an update. My thoughts are with you.

Star*fish – I’m still here, in limbo, hoping things will work out. Although, as I mentioned above, the resentment is mainly from the wife, I’m sure , as coffee said, I would be resentful if I felt a bit safer about things. At the moment, I’m just scared of loosing my wife and the uncertainty of the future. I suppose you prioritise your fears and emotions.

I don’t know whether to post this as a separate topic but, when is the time rigth to make a move on your spouse, who’s job is it, can you trust your instincts anymore. We’re both so self-concious, about everything. It winds me rigth up that it obviously came very naturally and easily for my wife and ‘lover boy’ to the extent that they couldn’t stop themselves, in spite of what was at stake.

It’s been about 2/3 months now since D day and we sleep in the same bed and get along OK with very little friction, give or take the odd jibe or remark (usually from me). We went out to Whitby the other day and when we were free from kids, jobs and the hassles of everyday life we got on just like the old days. I would imagine that making a move at the wrong time would be a massive love buster and could even cause all sorts of problems and hang-ups in the bedroom from that point onwards. I reckon a good session between the sheets would go a long way to bringing us back together. We never used to have any problems in that department.

So how long, what are the signs to look for , who should do it, how do you know when, or are we just stuffed. I know it’s down to love units so do I just keep on accumulating them to the point where it just happens like when we first met. Has anyone been there – perhaps it’s accompanied by a fanfare and fireworks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KIT:

"when is the time rigth to make a move on your spouse, who’s job is it, can you trust your instincts anymore. We’re both so self-concious, about everything. It winds me rigth up that it obviously came very naturally and easily for my wife and ‘lover boy’ to the extent that they couldn’t stop themselves, in spite of what was at stake.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KIT I feel like you MAY be missing a couple of points here. Firstly, it probably didn't come 'very naturally and easily' for your W and the OM considering that the vast majority of women first have to be in love with a man before the jump in the sack with him. There probably was a lot of conflict before she took that step, and continued because she thought that once she took that step you would never forgive her and the marriage was over (this is what lost in tx, a former WW, inititally felt to be the case with her affair). Secondly, she is probably feeling resentful towards you because you did not kick her out the door when she confessed to you. I know it sounds weird but if you had indeed left her and filed for divorce, she probably would have felt a lot better because she would have been paying the 'natural' consequence of her infidelity. But since you didn't do that, she is feeling resentful towards herself for having been so wrong about you and this resentment is of course manifested towards you. In other words, she can't forgive herself for what she did. And lastly, be kind and attentive towards her because she's probably going thru as much turmoil as you are.

KIT:

I don't have a lot 2 add at the moment, just that you need 2 focus on forgiving yourself for your part in the decline of your M. This will let you forgive her and jettison the resentment YOU hold.

Again, you can't do anything about her resentment by banging your head against THAT wall. You can only "conquer" it by dealing with your own issues. Heal yourself, then you're "new you" will catch her attention.

regards,
-2long

Kit -

Welcome to MB. There are a lot of people here with some really good advice. CoffeeMan, 2Long, Star*fish are among some of my favourites! They all come with great advice.

First thing, I would like to point you in the direction of my H's thread about resentment... Discussion about Resentment

Resentment goes both ways, for the BS and the WS. I wish I had more time to talk, but my H just got home... I will try to check in on you later.