Hi, I've been lurking around the forums here for around 2 months now.

Dday was May 17th. It was an EA with a co-worker who has since returned to her regular duty station. My husband is in the US Air Force, as was this co-worker. They did work in the same office for 14-16 hrs a day for about a 2 months, but then he changed buildings.

He confessed on his own on a Friday, called her on Monday and told her it was over. She stopped by his office on Tuesday, he told her he was happy to see her, they kissed, and talked for a while, he comes home and confesses to me about it. Says he hates himself for it, blah blah blah. So we agree to him calling from home, with me here, so that he realizes why he is calling and so that he won't be weak in his resolve. Well, he tried to call around, but she was not in the office. So he went work and called me and told me he was going to call her from there and he thought it was a good idea because he wanted to make sure he could do it. I'm not sure what would've happened if he felt that he couldn't have. Anyways, he calls her and tells her it's over and she hung up on him and he claims that they have no spoken since. I have no way to verify any of this. I can only belive that he is telling me the truth. Is it a mistake?

Since then, I've been on the rollercoaster, as I am sure most of you BS's will understand. A few times I've told him I wanted to just call it quits. To divorce and just get away from him, but then I felt guilty because I wouldn't want to take our kids away from him. And then, too, there's that little issue of the fact that I still love him very deeply and the thought of not being with him at all pains me almost as greatly as the A has.

The problem is, though, is that he's not working very hard these days to fulfill my EN's. I've given him the questionaire, we've done them. During the first month, I did have many LB moments. I haven't had any for the last week or two. Even when I was LBing and until now, I've been working very dilligently to fulfill his ENs.

His greatest EN, according to the questionaire, was SF. I had been working very hard on that one for him. I went and got some lingere, have been more inventive, initiated (which was his LARGEST complaint of me above all), etc. The problem is, is he doesn't seem very interested in it. I mean, he will respond usually, but there have been a few times that he has been unable to perform. And then he sometimes doesn't even seem to notice that I've got a new "outfit" on. In fact, he has even claimed he is "tired" a few times and has turned me down. This is a man who, before the A, would hound me almost daily for S. He was relentless. But now???

Not just that, is that he won't open up completely to me. I've had him read the Policy of Radical Honesty, but he has balked at it and said that he doesn't think it's always a good idea. That there are things that can be hurtful and he doesn't want to say anything hurtful. I've tried telling him that sometimes those hurtful things are the things that need correcting, but he still disagrees with me. I will be "having a conversation" with him, yet he will add NOTHING. I will ramble and ask him what he thinks or what his opinion may be and he will say, "I don't know" almost every time. I will sit in silence with him and ask him what's on his mind and he will say, "nothing" almost every time. He doesn't go out of his way to have deeper conversations with me about US. He will tell me how he feels about his job, how he feels about our kids, how he feels about his music (he's a musician), but he will not delve into US. He says he loves me and he knows how much he hurt me, but that's it. During his confession, he said he felt justified for having the A. Could he not be talking to me because he still feels justified? I guess we'll not know unless he decides to open up.

About the OW-- I still fancy trying to even give her a glipse of the pain that she played party to giving me, but I know it's impossible. I would, however, like to call her to verify that she IS NOT in contact with him. He has said that it's a bad idea, as is the advise here on MB.com, but I feel like, for me, that that would bring more closure to this situation. I don't expect to get over it for a long time to come, but that asking her that would help me to feel like their relationship is TRULY over, I have verification, and now I can totally shift to recovery. I have expressed to him how I would like to talk to her, but he adamantly (sp?) opposes this. The degree to which he does makes me wonder if there is still something going on between them. Could this be normal?

Sorry to ramble on. I'm just a little lost at the moment. Not focused. I've spoken with a few friends and my siblings about this. Most of them, I don't think, truly understand this postition (being the BS). Any advise is more thank welcomed. Thank you in advance.

Wondrme

First off, dont beleive a damnned thing he has to say, read many of the other posts from people here that are in the same place you are, You will see the same thing over and over, that is the WS has a tendency to lie like a rug.

Start reading everything you can. Alot of what I've learned here and read here are identical to what my W says and does, knowing that, you can pretty much anticipate what is going on in their head, but by no means, trust what you hear coming from them...

Wonder,
I am a BS.
simply from what i have read and from what i have experienced, your situation is not all that strange.
often times, the WS will withdraw out of the agonizing feeling of remorse and guilt over the damage they have done. often times, they will ask themselves "how can my spouse possibly still love me or want me?" often times, even after they have been found out and/or confessed, they are still in THE FOG. often times, there are lingering feelings for the OP and/or the affair. there is often a period of greiving for them. withdrawal symptons, if you wish. often times, the lying, deception, lies of ommission, smoke screens don't just automatically stop, especially if they are still in THE FOG and/or still greiving for the past. if they were to lift the FOG, they may have to come fully to terms with exactly it is they did and the damage they did. your H may not be able to be emotionally sexual or physically sexual with his wife at this point because of what he assumes the agony he put you and the marriage thru to be. GUILT.
it is up to your H to rebuild the trust that has been lost.
go to QUESTION ABOUT AFFAIRS in General Questions. i learned alot from that thread.
stay blessed, stay strong, stay informed, stay wise and know that you are doing the right thing.
lol
2nd

Wondrme,
No contact should begin with a letter, not a phone call, or in this case, 2 phone calls that you know of, one that resulted in her visiting him & kissing & talking. That's one of the reasons a letter is preferable. Plus, you only have his word for what he said, he didn't talk to her in front of you.

His not meeting your needs or allowing you to successfully meet his could be a lot of things, including guilt or that the affair is ongoing.

You said: During his confession, he said he felt justified for having the A.

What is his justification? (you know of course there is NO justification for having an affair. No spouse, no matter how lousy, deserves to be cheated on.)

Calling the OW isn't advised when no contact has been achieved, but if you are clear about what you hope to get out of the phone call, and realize that she could lie to you as well, sometimes it does bring down a WS's house of cards if he is lying to both of you. If you H said you could call her, it was up to you, that's a little better response than his "adamantly" saying you shouldn't. That sounds more like he's protecting something--and that protection is not for you.

How is he about opening up his life to you? Cell phone bills, voice & email passwords? My H is military too and when he finally did want to prove himself, he gave me work passwords.

The OW is not your friend, she has no loyalty to you and she could lie that the A is ongoing to hurt you--or it could be the truth. You won't know for sure. You may have no more closure after talking to her than you do now.

My advice is to Plan A, since you do not know for certain about the affair. Plan A is to deal with an ongoing affair. Listen to your gut.

Thanks for the replies, I truly appreciate them. I should probably give a little more history to the situation, so it's better undersood.

We've been together since I was 16, he was 20. We got married when I was 18 & he was 22. Directly after our wedding, we moved from FL to CA. We actually did very well, never had any issues.

About a year into the marriage, I got depressed (homesick, lonely, etc) and he was really unhappy with his job. He confessed to me at the time that he was having thoughts of being unfaithful and he was really disgusted with himself over it. We got over it rather quickly and I thought that if he ever felt this way again, he would come back and tell me again (HA HA!)

Anyways, we had our first child 5 years into the marriage. It was a wonderful, exciting period. We had never felt closer to eachother or more bonded. It was magical!

Then we moved from MD (remember, hubby's military) to CA where we found out I was pg with our second child. Neither of us were really prepared for another child, but we both learned to be happy with the idea. One thing neither of us were happy with, though, was ourselves. I gained a lot of weight, was terribly uncomfortable, hormonal, maybe? I'm not sure what the deal was -- I was just not very happy. I think my unhappiness mirrored onto my husband and then he became unhappy. When I was 8 months pregnant, I flew home with our son to visit family. During that time there, he told me that I should just stay with them, because they could make me happier than he was able to do. I told him that was very untrue (which it was!!) and that I would be home soon. When I got home, he was back to his regular self.

Once our second son arrived, hubby changed. He hated going out in public. He hated having to go anywhere with the kids and I, as it always turned into a fiasco. Our son cried CONSTANTLY and it was worse in public. We later found out he was autistic. This has been another big issue, as he's been very demanding and recently, before the A, I had been extremely depressed just dealing with life in general. This affects him GREATLY.

We again moved back to the east coast and hubby's dislike of going out got even worse and turned into agoraphobia (fear/dislike of public places). He'd go to work, come home, and MAYBE up to the Burger King drive thru. Other than that, we didn't really go anywhere for around a year.

He eventually worked through it (in large part to my nagging him to just keep working on it -- he did it w/o IC), but he still isn't fond of going out. He'll do it and it doesn't bother him for short periods of time, but he gets uncomfortable after a few hours.

Anyways, sex has always been an issue with us. He always had a much greater need for it than I did. He always wanted to be much more creative than I did. With his agoraphobia, I used to have to offer "favors" in order to get him out of the house. I knew this was not good territory to go into, but it was my ONLY option at the time. Nothing else got him out. This began a pattern that stuck with us. He eventually became resentful of it, I guess. I never deprived him, but those extras always had to be earned. I was always willing to "give it up" for him. We were active 3-4 times a week, but I wasn't so carefree with it. It frustrated him greatly. This went on for years, too. Not saying this is his EXCUSE, but part of his "justification".

When he confessed to me, I asked him why and he said, "I wanted to feel wanted." I never did initiate it between us, so I knew what he was talking about. Again, I didn't tell him, "Oh, it's ok that you did that since I wasn't making you happy."

Also, he has another health condition that made him, in his mind, think what he was doing was justifiable. Each of his lungs have collapsed spontaniously on seperate occasions. Doctors never gave us a reason why it might happen. We'd asked them and got no response...so we poke around the internet some trying to find answers. Dangerous territory, I know.

Anyways, we came across something called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It's a tissue disorder and people with it usually only live into their early 40's.

Now, while he's never officially been diagnosed, he has a fear of possibly having it. I never knew how great the fear was until the A.

When telling me why he felt justified, he said, "I could die within 10 years and I didn't want to be laying there dying and thinking about how I spent a good portion of my life with someone who rejected me all of the time."

Yeah, screwy. I still haven't decided if he's got his head out of his rear yet.

I found the MB site a few days post Dday. I wasn't aware of the NC methods, so I just let him handle getting rid of her. After the second time he saw her, I insisted that he call her here WITH me. He truly did try, but she wasn't at work (she was outprocessing, I guess). He called me from work and told me he wanted to call her, while he was alone, so that he knew that he could do it. So that he knew that he wouldn't keep going back and hurting us. I told him I didn't agree with it. We went back and forth a few times until I finally said, "FINE!" He promised to tell me everything they said on the phone (which, ok, maybe I am gulliable, but he DID tell me everything about her coming to his office, so...). According to him, she hung up on him and that's the last he's heard of/from her.

I have been plan Aing, but it's been 2 months now and he showing very little improvements. He has been out of the office more than he used to be when he worked there two years ago. He will give me an accounting of what he's done or doing, but I have no way of verifying. He works in a secure area, so I can't even get into the parking lot of his work. I have tried calling the dorms where he said she was staying (he tried calling her there when he made the phone calls with me here), but they said she wasn't staying with them.

I really do feeling like contacting her would bring me more closure. I guess, maybe, in my mind, that she could be a decent person and tell me honestly if she hasn't had contact with him. Maybe I have too much faith in people, but I just feel like she would tell me yes or no for sure. I have asked my husband several times to get the phone number for me (without talking to her!!!!), but he always "forgets" or is too busy. I've tried looking her # up too, but have had no luck. I am sure if I tried hard enough, I could eventually get in contact with her. Truly, tho, is it dangerous? Are there more cons to calling than pros?

I've asked WS how he felt about her now, wanting him to be honest with me. He told me that he thought she was immature and selfish. But, you see, this is part of my problem with his replies in conversaion, when he does reply -- he never says anything to me with much conviction. He seems to just manufactur an answer that he thinks I want to hear. And I mean, it's ALWAYS like that. I've told him gently, in a NON-LB fashion that I need honesty and openess from him, and he tells me he doesn't know what to say.

I'm just confused with his behavior at the moment.

Again, thanks for the responses. I appreciate hearing from others who understand this sort of thing.

Wondrme