Here's a thought for both WS and BS......

WS, do you ever feel that when your S is aking you questions about the A, sometimes you truly cannot remember something? It's like you have blocked that information from your brain??

BS, do you get upset with your S when s/he cannot remember somehting? Do you feel like they are lying to you?

So then, How do you remember everything, and if you don't remember something how do you tell that to your S when s/he really wants an answer???

I am soooo Confused! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ July 14, 2003, 02:11 PM: Message edited by: imready2try ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imready2try:
<strong>

My reason for asking... H and I went through a SUPER hard time and he feels sad because after all we've been through he thinks that I am still lying to him. I don't think I've lied to him - Some of the details of the A I have just blocked out of my mind.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'll bet you're not nearly as teary as he is, since he's the victim. Frankly, if you told me that you didn't "think" you had lied, I would be hot because thats a weasel word. I guess if I saw my spouse trying to be as open as possible in a voluntary manner, it would relieve alot of my anxiety and suspicion.

However, if I have to grill a reluctant defense witness to pull out the smallest shred of evidence, that is a different matter. And if you are doing the latter, believe me, you are just making it harder on yourself because its a never ending game of hell where you both die a death of a thousand cuts. And further destroy any hope of restoring trust.

as a BS, i am battling the "when will i ever trust him again" pain.
there have been so many lies, so much deception, so many smoke screens, so many lies through ommission........ my trust in my H has been totally eroded. my trust in my marrige has faultered, my trust in my own judgement has dwindled.
trust in a marriage where betrayal has occurred is not something that the WS is simply given the right to. it has to be won back, a long and hard battle. the BS can not just simply say "okay honey, i trust you, despite everything you put me and our marriage through".
from the standpoint of this BS, it seems as though the WS would like us to completely trust, regardless, in order to further the smokescreen. it seems as though the WS fog wants to continue so that the WS responcibility to the Marriage and the BS is lessened and the BS will again take on responcibility for why the WS wandered in the first place. the WS doesn't realize how much rebuilding THEY have to do and that the rebuilding needs to happen from the foundation on upward, not somewhere in the middle.
i am by no means bashing you READY. these are just my observations from my marriage and from SOME (only some) posts in this site.
time and patience.
IMHO, if two people truly want it to workout, it will. but only with time, love, understanding, patiences, strength, wisdom, and a great deal of forgiveness.
best of luck to you and yours
2nd

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't think I've lied to him - Some of the details of the A I have just blocked out of my mind. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad you stated that. In my bloodhound-stage, I heard that constantly. I swung from thinking it was shame and lies...to avoid divorce...to finally accepting it. The A had been years ago and my FWH had spent this time developing new communication skills as a husband...he had kept this sin as his own private pain...I do think in his mind he tried to never think of it again...and as a result remembered very few details.

I could see on his face sometime the pure shock and grief of what I was asking him...like he just remembered it. His eyes would cloud over like he just heard someone had died...I was amazed. He kept saying "I just can't believe that could have ever happened? I can't believe I did that...what the hell was I thinking...What a complete failure you must think I am...talking about this is the most painful thing I have ever done" He has intregity in all his other dealings in life...he is not a good liar...it was hard for me to think he was lying now.

In people with PTSS...trama is "forgotten" by the mind to keep a person from re-living it daily.

Maybe a truly remorseful spouse that believes they committed the worst act of betrayal in a time of insanity becomes so tramatized that their minds work to blot it out? Maybe a WS who chose to betray and never felt remorseful can remember the details more clearly because it caused them no pain?

I would like to believe that so very much! In fact, my questions were making him remember things I was glad he had forgotten...I decided that I would rather he not revisit anymore.

imready2try ...I have let go of the questions now...I can relate to your H's needs so well...there is a time when you just ask and ask and ask...because you can't tell what is real anymore. Your view of the world is so shaken, your questions are to craft this new reality.

You ask, are shocked, get angry, get sad, ponder and then the pain gets managable again.

It is not only how you remember the details...but how you deliver them to him...show remorse to the max, agree that it is unthinkable...let him see not only the details of the A....but the details of every aspect of how you love him now. If you wrap your words of the details with how they are in sharp contrast to who you are now...and tell him the details are fogotten because you never want to revisit a time when you hurt him.

...and tell him the details are fogotten because you never want to revisit a time when you hurt him.

but only if this is true. NO MORE LIES

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2ndfiddle:
<strong>...and tell him the details are fogotten because you never want to revisit a time when you hurt him.

but only if this is true. NO MORE LIES</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, thanks for that emphasis 2ndfiddle, I didn't want that post to sound like a How-to manual on getting out of the painful process of disclosure.

If you are lying to him now, it is just as bad as the orginal lies. Keep answering and remembering and being truthful...it is his right to know and his right to decide when he has had enough.

I told you when and why I stopped...and it may stop sometime for the both of you. The only way you can be thought of as truthful is to be truthful even if the truth is "forgotten" out of pure or unpure motives.

And be truthful no matter how painful for you. honest at what ever the cost to you.
No gorey details of sexual positions, exact loving words said, etc. volunteered from you. A BS does not truly want to know what we were missing out on. Yah, we may ask because we want to know "bad" it was, how deep into the affair you were. Maybe there is a time and a place for these details, but...... (I need help on this one.)
maybe get a journal and start writing all the details down for your self. what of the FOG have you conveniently forgetten (and don't you dare refer back to x-OP for the fill-ins). For your eyes only.

2ndfiddle & DustKitty -

Thank you for the replies! If you didn't know, my H is STTSI. Sometimes it is really hard because I have answered his questions as truthfully and honestly as I can. There truly are things that I cannot remember and I think those are the things that he has a hard time dealing with...

Anyway - thanks for the replies!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imready2try:
<strong>2ndfiddle & DustKitty -

If you didn't know, my H is STTSI. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">help me here, what is STTSI?

STTSI - Still Trying To Save It... He posts here also...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by imready2try:
<strong>STTSI - Still Trying To Save It... He posts here also...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">then bless both your hearts, and may you both find eternal happiness together.

wish my H would come here too.
<sigh>
oh well

hey, you go Mr. and Mrs. Ready!
i am rooting for you!

2ndfiddle-

Thanks! I will pass along the vote of encouragemet to Mr STTSI!

Thanks again for your replies!

Mrs. STTSI <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />