I'm still dealing with finding all those porn sites on the computer and now looking at me and thinking I"m fat, I"m ugly no wonder he doesn't want me. We spent the weekend at our property and Saturday night I went with SIL to a Civil War Renactment Ball. She made me a dress (think gone with the wind) and I danced all night. I saw families together, people laughing, dancing and having good clean fun. But in my mind I knew DH was back at the property drinking beer with the neighbors. I was so excited when I got back to tell him about how much fun I had and how much fun our daughter had. He looked at me with disgust and said "I don't care" Pretty strong words. Then he sits down to watch TV once we are home and decides to Watch Miss Hawaiian Tropic. And makes comments on the girls "She's a babe" "What a hottie" It was all I could do to not fight back tears. Then this morning I check email. He is getting emails from old girlfriends. I'm so hurt and mixed up I don't know which way is up.

I want to confront him...but fear his verbal abuse. I want to be able to say clearly and unemotionally what I feel but I don't think I can right now.

BikerM,

How about some non-verbal communication like a letter. You could have it editted here if you want help non-LBing. He isn't physically abusive is he?

Thanks for responding. I like the letter idea. Only once has he pushed me so hard I fell and bruised my tail bone. After that he had a wake up call and began attending church. He was so wonderful during those months. Then in March he lost his jobs.

I like the letter idea. I'm going to work on that.

I also started to try and not to look so depressed. I'm trying each do to do something loving/helpful to him. But I need more from him and am just not getting it.

At the civil war dance I had two men (both knew I was married) dance with me. Kinda remind me of square dancing. It felt so nice to be active and actually have someone dance with me. My SIL knew the men and my DH knew I would be dancing with them. One was married and his wife doesn't go. The other divorced but very nice. They both, as well as the whole group, were nice gentleman. My daughter who is 6 also danced with little boys..it was so cute.

Sorry for the ramble. Anyway...what I'm saying is even though I feel ugly and fat I know that I'm a good caring person. I love my husband very much, but don't love what he has become. He is very controlling, very loud, his way or no way! My neighbors don't even ask me to come over anymore because I've gotten yelled at so many times for being there (He was there and didn't want me around and 'ordered' me home.).

Look for a letter int he next few days.