During April and May I was somewhat a regular on this site, following my wife's admission of multiple adultery during the latter years of our marriage.
4 Men & a Baby was the header.
Well, I thought that I was doing it the right way and forgave her, discussed everything as calmly as possible, did my best to avoid love busters (when they happened she capitalised upon them in a big way)
A few weeks after her revelations, I decided that honesty was the best policy and confessed to an "affair" .... if you could call it that, as it involved a woman visiting my room whilst I was on a business trip .... when it came to the "crunch" I did not want to have sex with her and asked her to leave ... yes, as bad perhaps as actually doing it (as the intention was there initially and the fact that I had been drinking was no excuse)
As soon as I told my wife this she exploded and immediately told me she would be leaving me ... apparently not because of what happened, but because I had "put her through hell" in letting her confess everything, but "waiting and letting her suffer for weeks" before I myself confessed.
So her affairs now took second place in her mind and she arranged her departure ... about one week ago.
She has left her good, non-working lifestyle abroad to return home to the UK, where she will be living in one room with our child.
Prior to her departure (and contrary to her promises not to stray again ... even during our "cooling off period" of a month), she arranged a meeting with OM no 1 at 6am in the morning for a few hours ... telling me later that they had only had breakfast and nothing else.
During a short trip to the UK late April, she also admitted to talking to a guy on the plane and exchanging cellphone numbers. They spoke many times during her visit, but apparently never met.
This ties up with information from my brother, with whom she was staying, who told me that she was constantly on the phone to a guy who she said was "her cousin" whilst she was there.
This trip was requested by her in order to give her time to think things over privately and with her father. During this time she went out quite regularly in the evenings till late and was heard to complain quite often that my brother and wife would not babysit for our child as often as she wished.
On the night of her return she told me that she had decided to leave, no longer loved me (because of what she had done, she felt that she could not possibly love me)... and after a few weeks, again started her "Red Flag Activities" :-
ie.
* Staying up til the early hours typing like mad on the www ...
* Minimising the screen if I was around ... saying that she was playing computer games if I asked,
* Refusing to divulge the password of her private email address ... although I had given her mine in order to build trust,
* Keeping her cellphone in her pocket all the time,
* Keeping the cellphone on "silent",
* Letting the battery run out, rather than charge the phone when I was home.
* Constantly receiving and sending texts ... "from and to her family", as she told me and her friends when anyone remarked.
* Refusing to show me texts apparently from my daughters.
* Regularly going to the restrooms whilst we were out to make long phone calls following receipt of texts .... again to family, etc.)
So it seems clear now that most of what happened over the past few months was a bit of a sham and that she now has someone new in the UK, with whom she maybe intends to pursue a relationship.
By forgiving her and trying to trust her I was again let down ... not perhaps by more affairs, but by general discrepancies, meetings and intentions.
She says that she may come back one day if absence makes her realise what she has lost, although she agreed with me that this should only be because feelings have been rekindled and not for financial or other reasons.
To be honest, I doubt that this will ever happen as she has now transformed herself ... lost 28 kilos in weight, new hairstyle, replaced specs with contact lenses and completely changed her character (quote from a family member : a "36 year old mother who wants to be 18 again")
She knows that she is now very attractive to men ... and I would agree with that 100% ... and she is young enough to live life to the full.
I am 43 and things are a bit different ... much older and not so attractive as I used to be .... and total loss of self-esteem and confidence regarding women.
So she has destroyed my life, taken my lovely daughter (albeit she says may not actually be mine), made a mockery of me with friends (skeletons coming out, now she has left) and left me alone with no apparent regrets (now she is away) despite her apologies before getting on the flight.
So the way forward is up to me, I suppose. I cannot trust women and regrettably view all women at the moment as potential "man-destroyers" and gold-diggers.
This is why I cannot see myself ever managing to trust a woman again .... and totally unfair to put any woman through this mistrust, should she be one of the sincere ones.
So probably a lonely life for me in the future ... perhaps with the odd one-night-stand until I become too old and unattractive ... even the thought of casual sex does not appeal to me any more.
I have 2 grown-up daughters from my first marriage (not very good at this marriage thing, am I ?) who were very supportive when I told them of the separation, but I have heard little from them since ... this may be due to the fact that I was the WWS when their mother and I separated and I have spared their feelings by not telling them the reasons for my second marriage breakdown ... they have possibly concluded (with their mother's assistance) that I am again the guilty party.
So sorry, guys .... I ignored most of your advice before .... any words of encouragement for me this time ??
I am mainly following up my previous posts just to make some people aware that good words and intentions after the revelations of affairs are not always followed up by deeds.
I stopped using this site for some time as my wife also accessed it and sussed that the posts were from her husband ... she then slated all the advice and comments, telling me that my "buddies" on the forum were no less than "sad, poisoned, rejected men", "marriage-breakers" and advising me to create "love-busters" themselves ... for this reason I stopped in the hope that she would not use this as a further excuse for separation.
Maybe I should have listened to TooMuchCoffeeMan and saved myself a few extra months of torture ??
Sorry, mate !
