My D Day was in June 2002. I suspect the A was ongoing for 2 years prior to that. I did Plan A for 5 months. Plan B for 3 months and ended up speaking to WS even though I knew I was making a classic mistake. There was 3 months of false recovery - actions not words. Told her I was returning home only to find when I did return home A was still raging. She says she wants her space but won't spell out what she actually wants.
Have tried to get WS to say what previous few months were all about, but don't get an answer. She keeps giving me fog talk, rewriting marriage history etc. When she tells me how unhappy I made her I ask again why the false recovery, again - no reply. I suggest that she should have divorced me if she felt like that. She won't tell me if there is any chance of rebuilding a better marriage. She keeps saying that I want to Divorce her, but I don't and wouldn't be here over a year later if I did.
I can't reconcile the fact that she obviously doesn't want to save our M and wants to make a new life with OM but refuses to D me.
My LB is low but WS smiles or is nice to me and I melt.
What should I do next? Plan B, D or 180?

See an MC and get personal support.

This repetative stuff is getting old isn't it? Your posts shows your frustration.

Can you schedule an appt with Steve or Jennifer?

The fact that she won't file for the D shows she is still in the fog. The pain she is inflicting and her manipulation on you is not fair.

You are the one who can pull yourself out from that cycle. It might not leave her in a good spot but you may feel better.

JMHO,
L.

It sounds like she is having a life and enjoying herself and you are miserable. She continues to engage in her affair and wants a life with the OM but does not divorce you. It would seem she sees you as a safety net or Mr. Fallback guy if it does not work out. You need therapy to understand what you are doing in your life and how much are you willing to take? I wish you luck.

Newsunrise your fear is your enemy. What fear? The fear that you may have to end your marriage thru divorce. If your WW cannot or won't abide to a marital recovery plan then there is nothing to rebuild the marriage upon. Rebuilding a marriage is a TEAM effort and unless she wants to be part of the team, then there is not much you can do but weigh your options of whether you are willing to accept living in an open marriage where she refuses to give up her OM while keeping you to fulfill all her other EN's, OR divorcing her and moving on with your life. I'm sorry to say but not all marriages can be saved or should be saved, the tricky part for you comes in discovering which of the two types of marriages yours is.

NS,
forgive this lurker's intrusion but has it occured to you that the only one in your realtionship that thinks they're married is you?!

look, you blew it when you pre-maturely came out of plan B and folded your tent. i mean you did everything but wave a white flag! now she figures you for what you've shown yourself to be...some one that will put up with her nosense no matter what, (and boy, did i say that kindly!)

you say you want to save your marriage? well than maybe it's time for you to show her a new persona. man, you are just to needy and you have to get over it! nobody wants to be paired up for life with a person they can't respect...and all she sees when she looks at you, (at this point) are her foot prints.

now get this, divorce or the threat there of doesn't have to come into play here. what you do need to do, however, is show her a strong independant man willing to go on with his life.

if divorce is in the cards, then you do it when it's right for you! not her...you! meanwhile get yourself some interests other then her. who knows, you may even learn to enjoy life again.

coach.

Orchid, Bryanp, TMCM and Coach

Thank you for giving me your opinions. I agree with all you've got to say even Coach! The reason I made some contact in Plan B was to do a 180 and show WS how I was getting on with my life. This was achieved to a big extent.
In the last few months I have found an enjoyable job near home, lost a lot of weight, got myself a lot fitter/less stressed by going to a gym /leisure complex and get out and socialise a lot more.
My mind is now made up on what I should do next. My youngest son knows that I visit MB a lot so I will not post my planned course of action here, but I will be taking control of the situation.
Making a decision is not easy when you don't get answers to your questions but sometimes silence in itself is an answer.
Ending this post on a positive note MBers has help me grow a lot. My outlook on life has changed immeasurably and for the better even though my posts show me to be torn a lot of the time. Things are a lot clearer now. Orchid, I had identified that I needed MC but mainly to enable me to come to terms with my feelings and will be doing this.

Thank you again for your help and support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Sometimes to move forwards, you first have to take a step back"
Newsunrise

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "After all you put me through
You'd think I despise you
But in the end, I wanna thank you
'Cause you make me that much stronger"
Fighter - Christina Aguilera </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I wish you success in your plan of action. I agree that a nondecision by your spouse is in fact a decision. I wish you luck.

Hi MBers

Just a short update on NS. I have moved into an apartment. Was going to D but saw MC first as I knew I wouldn't be able to let go. MC has posed some deep questions about my feelings and why I accepted things the way I did for 20 years. Also provided some insight on how WS may be feeling.
Keeping busy, fit and looking for answers but more about answers to why I acted /act the way I do. Long way to go to reclaim my life but that's where I'm headed.
NS
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sometimes to move forwards, you first have to take a step back
Newsunrise </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello

It is easier to post a reply than to put in a link to the old post. As stated in my last update I am moving on. Can't say this is unexpected but WS is now being nice again. I have given her some space. This is not as strict a Plan B as before more of a 180. When I phone to speak to sons I will speak to WS but not get too embroiled.
Last night she asked me what I was doing on my Birthday - I told her I was working nights. She aked if I would be available in the day. I said yes. She then invited me for a meal. I politely told her that I was afraid I would get hurt again and declined. She told me she was having second thoughts and to pray that everything turns out OK. She has not mentioned prayer for some time, this sounds good. We are at the magic 6 week separation mark, what should I do next? I am trying to organise a party for the end of this month which scares me but I feel is necessary to demonstrate a 180.

NS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"We are at the magic 6 week separation mark, what should I do next? I am trying to organise a party for the end of this month which scares me but I feel is necessary to demonstrate a 180."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure that your party doesn't get out of control and that you don't do something foolish like getting drunk and hitting on some of the women guests. Other than that, just enjoy yourself in the wholesome company of good friends without worrying about the 180 degrees.

That 180 plan is has helped me to build some self-respect. What I have learned is that I don't have a M. What I have decided is that I won't settle for the trappings of M. Lots of people decide to settle for the trappings of M, and you may be one of them. However, I think that when you let your W know that you're willing to settle for the trappings of M (because you want to have a M, and you're willing to wait for her to come out of the fog), your self-respect may futher erode making you even less of a person she would be willing to remain married to.

My IC told me that I need to be at the point where I choose to be married, not feel as though I am trapped in this situation. And this is with the A supposedly over. I cannot imagine how you must feel! Do take care of yourself.

" She told me she was having second thoughts and to pray that everything turns out OK. "

What it means is that you should continue detaching from her and moving on. She is still trying to keep you hanging on until she is sure that the OM will want to make a life with her. Now that you are exiting from her drama and refuse to be number 2 in line she is starting to realize that she may end up divorced and lonely if the OM leaves her. Personally, I would file for divorce and show her that you are withdrawing completely from this game she is playing.
Of course, you are the only one who can make this decision to end this emotional torture.