I've posted this in my ongoing thread, but there are so many topics covered there, it seems to get lost fairly quickly.

My wife has recently agreed to seriously work on our marriage. Of course that includes NC and giving me assurance that the A is completely over.
She knows all this, but still has strong feelings for OM and as much as it hurts to think about, I know it's going to be extremely hard for her to do.

She tried when she first told me of the A. To my knowledge, that lasted about 3 or 4 weeks and she called him. Since then they've had fairly regular contact.
The first time she tried at NC, I know she meant to go through with it, but with my knowledge of the A being as new as it was and the wound so deep, I believe she felt that it would just worsen the hurt if she were to be honest with me about the way she felt about OM and how NC made her feel. I think she tried to stuff those feelings inside and when the pressure was too much, she broke and called him.
I really believe that this time, she is much more serious about being honest with me, even though it's hard for her to do. She's had time to see how determined I am to help her through this and make things work, that she feels I'm strong enough to handle the hurtful (to me) feelings she has for OM and how NC makes her feel.

I know the best thing I can do is simply be there for her. It's also been suggested that I plan as many activities that she likes as possible to give her a good time. I know that's a great suggestion and will do so, but what else can a BS do to help the WS get through this time succesfully? Is there anything i can do to ease the pain of withdrawal, or is it something she just has to do on her own?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"but what else can a BS do to help the WS get through this time succesfully? Is there anything i can do to ease the pain of withdrawal, or is it something she just has to do on her own? "</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1.Thanking her for sharing her feelings for the OM despite how painful they are to you.

2.Validate her feelings for the OM by telling her that if you were in her shoes that you would probably be experiencing the same thing.

3.Praising her efforts and even when she seems to stumble on said efforts offer her moral support.

I'm sure there are more but I beleive those 3 are good ones.

Those are great suggestions. I've put them all into play already and they do seem to make a huge difference in her feelings.

I just know that NC is something that a good part of her does not want to do and I want her to know that she's making the right decision.

High Road,
This will be a difficult time, as you already know. When my wife began NC she didn't get out of bed for a week, and everything was my fault. Just be her friend right now, don't try to be her husband, but her BEST friend. Let her know it's ok for her to share her feelings, and DON'T react emotionally. You have to disconnect yourself. Whatever you do don't bash the OM, or interject any "knowledge" as it will only push her away further and faster. Be prepared, EVERYTHING will be wrong and bad and it will ALL be YOUR fault. If you didn't experience it before watch out for fits of RAGE. Withdrawl is like Godzilla with PMS.

Sorry, there's no magic withdrawl potion that I'm aware of.

Good Luck and God Bless.

I do expect to hear some of that. I've heard it for the last few months fairly regularly.

This time around though, she seems to have seen that it's not just what I want her to do, but it's what is right for her to do. It seems to be making a difference in the way she's taking things.
Granted, it's just been a week, but that's a week closer to things getting easier for her.

Thanks for the suggestion of stepping back and being her friend. I guess I hadn't actually thought about that, but that's something that she's told me a few times recently....that I've been the best friend she could have through this.

High Road,
If she's admitting already that you are her friend and you've been there for her then you've already crossed a big bridge. I can't explain how, but while my wife was going through withdrawl I was able to separate myself and detach and just be her friend, not her husband. Granted, I heard some things that I wish I never would have heard, but it helped her through the tough times and she appreciates it.

Good Luck and God Bless

I think that things are kind of happening on and off. She tried NC at first (after she first told me of A) and things were rough then. She didn't make it very far, and contact has been off and on (mostly on from what I know) for about 3-4 months. I've tried to be there for her, but still let her know that nothing can really happen with us while things are still happening with her and OM.
I've just tried to be patient with her and make myself understand the position she's in. Not to enable her by any means, but to see that it's not "just as easy" as letting go and turning away. There's just more to it. I've tried not to belittle her quandry and indecision, even though it tears me up inside.

Anyway, from that, I've been able to really feel that I'm there for her this time. Maybe the reason she didn't make it the first time is that I wasn't ready to help her yet....not sure. But this time I feel prepared for the onslaught of negative feelings and blame.....but it hasn't happened. It's been exactly the opposite. And this time I feel fairly certain that she's sticking to her guns and resisting the temptation to call him. I know she could be lying to me, but she hasn't really flat out lied to me throughout this whole thing.....I've just known something was up when she would withdraw the openess that she had shown to me previously. She hasn't done that at all now....she's shown more and more willingness to put some of her success in my hands by truly telling me how she feels. I think she's finally understanding that I'd much rather deal with whatever hurt her lingering feelings for OM cause her (and help her through them) than for her to stuff it in (to save me the hurt) and soon enough have to deal with the pain that her actions and failures cause me (by resuming contact).

Anyway, she seems to see that I'm there for her and that she can turn to me to help her. Not sure why things are different this time around, but I'm thankful they are.

As for hearing things I'd rather not....I hear those things very often. They're not said to hurt, but just her honesty hurts sometimes.

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 10:25 AM: Message edited by: high_road ]</small>

Sounds like your on the right track; classic Plan A. I know about honesty hurting, believe me I do.

I wish you the best of luck, and God Bless

TM94,

Thanks for the encouragement.

HR