Hi, folks. This is my intro.

I started trying to really improve our marriage last November, surfing this site, reading the forums. This forum in particular has really touched me...I thought, "Wow, maybe if we can do this MB stuff, we won't have to go through the horrendous things these people are." We started blocking the 15 hours per week of togetherness. (With some struggles.) My husband wanted to improve, too.

Our daughter (3rd child) was born in May. I am starting a new career, after being laid off last fall, and then on disability/bedrest for 5 months due to severe pregnancy complications.

After finding suspicious stuff...just a little bit...on the computer on Sunday night, I confronted my husband about what he was doing. It looked like just the usual porn stuff that we've dealt with for our entire marriage, he goes on, then swears off, (rinse, repeat)...But for some reason, this time I asked him point-blank, "Are you having an affair?" Oh no, he said, of course not. "Are you erasing history and other files on the computer?" Oh no, he said, of course not, because you are the computer whiz in the family and you would find out. More questions, all answered in the negative.

But he went out that night to a movie with friends, and I decided to finally install spy software on the computer. I felt really stupid while doing it...My husband wouldn't cheat on me. He loves me. He's not lying to me. This is a waste of money. But I did it anyway.

He stayed up late that night. Needed to "work." This is a typical thing, although it always breaks my heart. I am lonely in our bed, alone. But I did not fuss, I told him, "I know you have a lot to do. Don't worry about not coming to bed with me." IDIOT GIRL.

The next morning, I have just arrived at work, he calls me in a panic. "Don't look at your email until you talk to me, please?" Uh-oh...he has found an email from the software company and knows the gig is up. I look at the email against his wishes. There is evidence of at least two internet EAs. Shaking, I leave work, head for home.

That was D-day, yesterday. Now I know that there have been at least 3 OWs online. The latest two, concurrently, for a couple of weeks. The other one sometime earlier. He met them on video chat sites while surfing for porn. He called them "sweetheart" and "beautiful"..."I want to gaze into your eyes forever"...

Those were the things he said to me. I thought, to me alone. What a fool. I asked him today, didn't it ever even give you a twinge that those were the same words that you were supposed to be speaking, had spoken, to me? "No." So, the words have no value, no meaning. The words are nothing.

Yes, he is depressed, has been for a long time, he thinks maybe his whole life. He is almost completely unable to open up and be honest with me about his feelings, his thoughts. I thought this was something that was just a development in our marriage, some difficulty we needed to work through. But now I think back, and I don't know that he's ever really been honest and open with me. He just acted like it, with those same words that he has now given to many other women. In fact, he is in flight from reality. I was part of that at one time...I was the escape...but now I am the reality that needs escaping from.

And I think I can finally admit that he is a sex addict, even if he can't admit it. I don't know what I will do about that, if I will start attending spouses' meetings, or what. In fact, I don't know what I will do about any of this yet. He says he is committed to our marrige, and will not contact them again. I believe him about that. (One of the few things that maybe I believe anymore.) I vacillate between hope and despair. From anger to emptiness. From passionate love to absolute disdain. I'm not sure what to do next.

How long will I wait? He's got to do something about his depression and inertia, about his addiction, about his inability to communicate and be really intimate, in order for me to stay in this marriage. I have indicated that to him. But I don't know if he will, I'm so scared that he won't. And this will just happen again.

I'm sure that I should Plan A. Maybe? OK, I'm not sure of anything. He claims that he wants to write, he wants me to support him in that. But, I know from personal experience with depression, that a project like writing a novel isn't going to do anything to pull him out of it. What a setup for frustration, rejection, and further blows to self-esteem. I've told him, based on my experience and research, he needs to take concrete baby steps, accomplish stuff on a daily basis, to get out. But now he is offended because apparently I don't "support" him. I honestly think, at this point, that writing is just another fantasy. Escape. (Which is not to say that it couldn't be a goal for later, it's just not what the doctor ordered at the moment.)

Don't even ask about counseling or medication. He won't take meds, no way. I would love to do counseling, there is no money right now, but in a few months there should be, and I will go then, with or without him. (Assuming we are still hanging on.) He will probably refuse to do counseling. Thus far, he is also not considering any 12-step involvement for his addiction.

I have taken off my wedding ring and he hasn't noticed yet. He will probably be mad. But, our marriage covenant is broken in my eyes. My ring finger aches without my ring on. It feels like a ghost ring.

I love this man with all my heart. I wish I could make this all better for him, but of course, I can't. He will have to find his own healing. I just hope that he does it before it's too late.

I am trying to tell myself that maybe it's not so bad, it was just on the internet, it was "just" emotional, there was nothing physical...but I am just kidding myself. I almost would rather he had "just" a physical involvement. At least then *I* would still be able to be his "sweetheart."

Oh, a few maybe relevant details: We have 3 kids (7, 2, and newborn). I was previously married, to a man who was also a sex addict (internet porn) although I didn't realize at the time that it was an addiction. We have been married 5 years. We are Christians, active in church. But, my husband really has no deep friendships, just "buddies", as he isolates himself emotionally in an extreme way, except of course for the OWs.

I don't know if I am looking for any particular words of advice, although they are welcome. I just wanted to introduce myself, and say "hello" to my fellow travelers.

Sarah (Skay)

Dear Sara,

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have to be hear but your situation is not new to this board. There is help for both you and your H. Some of it will hurt to hear but if you pay attention with the right attitude, you will benefit.

Have you read the concepts section above? Any of the Harley books? If your H won't get counseling, U do it for U.

Work on your personal recovery. You are in shock, a mom with a new addition and normal problems. This A will give you a range of emotions. Know this and don't panic. You have been reading a while and will recognize the pattern.

NOTE: You can't control nor educate your H. He knows this is wrong but did it anyway. What he may not realize is what can happen to the parts and persons in his life he can't control either.

That will be one of your keys. Eventually he WILL have to deal with this. If you both have been reading here, he may read to see what you are up to. Ok, learn how to use that to your advantage.

Also protect your family's assets. If he is depressed his decision making capability may be questionable.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. You will need it.

Reassure your children of your love. Even your new born. It will be helpful for you and them.

Encourage your children to share their feelings. Especially your 7 year old. Write, speak or draw out their feelings. My 6 year old wrote a 4 sentence letter to his dad that cut his heart. Didn't bring him right out of the fog but when he did, he came out still holding onto that letter.

Keep posting and take care.
L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says he is committed to our marrige, and will not contact them again. I believe him about that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DON'T believe him. My situation was very similar to yours. My H had an on-line affair for 4 months before I found out. I believed him when he said the same thing your H did. I, too, never thought my H would have an A. 4 months after finding out, and us committed and working on our marriage 100% - I find out that the contact never ended. They had actually become closer in that time.

I also used spy software (I installed it a couple days before I found out the second time - at the time I had a gut feeling something wasn't right - but it blew me away when I found out they were still in contact - he was SO convincing.) I suggest you keep using it.

Sorry you're going through this. I hope your H really does give up contact.

This site really helped me. Hang in there!

H&S

Oh my goodness Sarah! You are ME and you're writing about MY husband! That is very weird. Today is the 3 month mark of our separation. Good Friday wasn't so good for me.

The whole part about inertia, depression, not going anywhere, no real friends, just buddies, the internet "chats", the sex addiction, the lack of honesty, the inability to communicate, and the easy use of key words that so obviously mean very little. You are describing my husband to a T.

Now mind you, my husband has taken that additional step and progressed to the PA (flings really) but trust me, it doesn't make it any easier. Not to mention the risk of disease that he could be bringing home...

Anyhow, I'm pretty new to this site and am looking forward to hearing what others will have to say to you.

Just so you know that I am thinking about you and can relate to much of what you are experiencing.