Ok so here is my story.

Our marraige had some problems with needs on both sides not being met. I tried at times to talk about our issues but my wife would say little about her changes or reason for changing. I usualy got "nothings wrong"

Well as time past i began to get more frustrated and suggested counsling or a trial separation as a solution. I would do anything really.

Well after a real blow out with my wife (our first big one as we never had fights) my wife finaly told me what she was missing. If she got what she needed I could get what I needed.

Well looking back now just two months after finaly getting some direction from my wife she began her affair with another married man. Of course at the time I had no idea what was going on.

During the year of the affair I became increasingly frustrated, confussed and rejected by my wife. Nothing I did was right. As her affair intensified I became the vent for her anger and marriage frustrations.

Well she confessed and left 4 months ago now and since her affair partner has dumped her she hasn't talked to me for 6 weeks as she said she needed space. Since day one when she left she has given me no indication that we had any chance, quite the opposite (of course she thought they were an item up until he dumped her).

I'm having a hard time waiting for something to happen in our relationship. I feel run over and left for dead though I'm still standing on wobbly legs with a broken heart.

If you were the victom of an exit affair can you share with me what happened to you?? Did you spouse bolt for the door and not look back??

A lot of similarities with my story.

There had always been tension between us, starting with mundane things - eg, housework, bills. Things began to escalate about 2 years ago, and I suggested counselling. WH refused to go. I started talking trial separations. He didn't want to work out what the problem was at all. Lots of confusion on my part during 2003 as he became less and less like himself, and more distant. Started withdrawing from me, started seeking out divorced people. Found a male work colleague who had had an exit affair and learned all about the logistics and mechanics. Then went and had one.

He maintains that I didn't show him enough affection and admiration - that he didn't feel important enough.

Ever since he moved out (before DDay!) he has said there is no hope - move on Claire. He has oscillated between saying he is a useless crap person and a terrible husband to blaming me totally for his affair.

There has been the occasional moment of weakness when he has expressed a desire to try to work things out. I suspect that is when he and OW have hit rocky patches. OW and him are soulmates <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> He has discovered Buddhism through OW and they are hoping to be reincarnated as common garden slugs! (OK, speculation).

I have no idea of the status of his current relationship with OW. I suspect that when it does end, my H would not come back to the marriage. In my (inexperienced) opinion, the exit affair seems to be an excuse to get out of a marriage that the WS has already decided to give up on. Sorry for the pessimism. I speak for myself only.

Warm wishes to you Good Guy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by goodguy007:
<strong>If you were the victom of an exit affair can you share with me what happened to you?? Did you spouse bolt for the door and not look back??</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In a word, YES!

Sorry to be so blunt, but that's exactly what happened. ONLY excuse I ever heard was, "I just don't want to be M'd anymore." DUH.....like I couldn't figure that out by the fact that he was G-O-N-E!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In my (inexperienced) opinion, the exit affair seems to be an excuse to get out of a marriage that the WS has already decided to give up on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly!! Major withdrawal has already taken place by the WS. I saw it. I just misdiagnosed the symptoms! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

A fatal mistake (I couldn't fix what I didn't know was broken until it ran away!)

Furthermore, there is more info in one of the (many) books on infidelity I read. This one, "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder, describing A's, says Exit A's are the "hardest to overcome....."

Basically WS feels like it's "their turn" to live for themselves....sometimes they even "take care" of you first!! My H did!! Make sure our (dream) house was renovated, I was moved in, knew I could "handle it financially" and 2 weeks later, he was gone!

Anyway, according to Carder, IF(exit A) spouses ever come back, it takes a very long time (could be 3 years or longer - HIS words).

Some of the reasons for this are: They have to really be out there....., do it all, buy the expensive sports car, meet people, party, whatever is driving this (usually MLC - "life is slipping away....") before they even consider returning to the M.

Goodguy,
I also suspect part of her not wanting to talk to you has a lot to do with feeling like she's "not good enough" - like she messed everything up (everything she THOUGHT was going to work out so wonderfully), and she's embarrassed and confused.

You asked for experiences, so there's mine. Hope you can "hang in" for awhile yet. I think there's always hope, as long as you haven't let the love die.....even is SHE thinks it has! Especially in your case, where WW has been dumped and is feeling the full consequences of what she has done to her (and YOUR!) life.

God Bless,

I may be in an exit affair myself but I am hoping not. Our situations are very similar in that my WW had A with MM that ended three months ago and she has not returned home (moved out nearly five months ago). I do have several questions for you.
Has your WW contacted an attourney? Has she asked for a D? Has she ever discussed how you will divide assets, debts, properties, etc. Does she still have clothes or possessions in your house? Does her mail still come to your house or did she do a change of address?
From what I have read the WS in an exit affair is usually a conflict avoider. They have decided that they want out of the M and, sadly, almost anyone willing can be the OP. They then use the A as a way to try to force the BS to do the dirty work. The WS is then able to say that, while it is true that they made a tragic mistake, it was the BS who could not accept what had happened and ended the M.
I am not certain that this is what is happening in your case. It may be that your WW was involved in an A that has ended badly for her and she is now in withdrawl, after having first gone through a grief period. This can take quite some time. If I was in your position (and I am!) I would Plan A for a while. It is difficult while you have so little contact with your WW but I believe that may begin to change. If she is undecided, or even if she is looking for a way out, what you do not want to do is help her to end your M.
The hardest part in this is trying to be patient, believe me. Remember, Plan A is in part about taking care of yourself so that you will be ready if and when your WW decides to come home.
Stay strong.

Thanks all. I guess only time will tell.

As for the question about lawyers and assets. We have no kids and are both self sufficent so our split is quite simple. Divide the household stuff and that's about it.

I've been plan A since day one, though I didn't know it at the time. I will not give my wife an excuss to point the finger at me that our marriage failed. I've told key members of her family that I'm here, love my wife and want to work things out. That I suggested counsling and even a trial separation prior to the affair.

Everyone close to us knows that she has avoid any potential solution to the problems in our marriage and choose the affair as her way to cope or run from the issues.

If this is the end it will be because of her choice not to try not mine.

I know she must be confussed and shamed by what she did maybe even more so since being dumped. I know she thought her and other man would simply weather the storm and move on together. He said this was the plan to his wife.

I will continue to Plan A but I hold little hope at this point.

Yes - CONTACT!
I saw your post over on "in recovery' board. Good news.