Oldtimer here, but haven't posted in a long time. Also posted on D/D:

To make a really long story short, married 14 years, separated on and off for 3 years- after several false recoveries, we have filed an uncontested divorce, which should be final in a couple of weeks.

I have 3 step-children, ages 23, 21,and 18. The 21yo step son lives with me. 23yo is married and on her own, 18yo lives with her mother. WS and I have 2 children, 13yod and 9yos.

The older children know about their father's affair (still going on) and have met the OW. Our younger 2 children do not know. This has been at my insistence- I have told him that as long as we were married, the children would not be around the OW. As a result, WS blames me for him not spending much time with the children- his relationships with all of the kids have suffered a lot.

My question- what to tell the younger 2 kids. WS wants to introduce OW to them as a friend he just met. I'm having trouble with this. With all of the older kids as well as his family knowing about her and the affair, I believe that eventually, they will find out the truth and I think I would rather them hear it from me. Actually, I would rather them hear it from us, but that's not going to happen. WS strongly disagrees with telling them, saying that it will cause them to not like her.

Suggestions anyone?

It will cause them to not like her?? This is typical WS 'cover your butt' talk. If she's so great, surely the kid will love her! (immense sarcasm intended)

Adult children of infidelity will always tell you that no one had to tell them what was going on, they still knew. Your children may not know exactly what, when, who and why...but they WILL piece it together eventually. It is NOT a good idea to lie to them further. Sheltering them while marital repair is still a possibility is one thing. To out and out lie to them and allow your hubby to hide his indescretions will lead in disaster. The older children would be livid and their attitudes alone would clue in the younger ones that something about everything was fishy.

Everything has consequences. WS's want to avoid consequences. It shouldn't be allowed..not for any reason..and especially not when it will emotionally harm children. The long term effects are greater if they live under the shroud of a lie for some time, than if they are gently told the truth now.

So sorry for what you're going through, Cloudy! Hang in there!

I don't think that it your responsiblilty to make sure your kids like the OW. You husband chose this and he has live with those choices.

Your kids are old enough to understand what is going on and I think should know the truth.

Exactly what h4f said.

It's one thing to NOT tell them because of the possibility for reconciliation but it's another to tell them something other than the truth.

He did some lying to them about the affair. If you ever want to have ANY respect from them, you, as the "stable" parent, need to be truthful with them at all times (and also at the appropriate age level).

My daughters were 8 (just turned 8) and 13 when I found out about my wife's affair after the om left town. I told the kids simply that we were having "problems" abnd that we would work them out.
My wife took off 5 weeks later. We both sat down and told them she was leaving to "think about being married" (and then she took them shopping.)

Afer I found out she was living with the om, few weeks after she left, I told the kids what happened. mom fell in love (ick) with some guy and took off to live with him.

They are doing well (considering mom only talks to them a few times a year and has only seen them 3 times in 4.5 years.)

It's difficult and it hurts them. But you have to be honest and prepare them for life. You aren't always gonna be there to kiss their boo-boos and make it better.

Teach them that sometimes life hurts and they need to deal with it in a positive way.

<small>[ July 18, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Thanks for the advice. As much as I hate the thought of having to tell them, I do think they need to know the truth.

so.....WS told me yesterday that he intends to take 9yos to OWs house one day next week to help him cut her grass or something very casual. Kids and I are going to the beach tomorrow through Wednesday with my family from out of town. I really don't want to tell them until we get back from that trip- I have no idea what their reaction will be.

Should I tell them before he meets OW or wait until after he meets her and either tells me about it or asks questions? Son will not ask WS anything, he will wait until WS is not around and then ask me.

S told me yesterday that he intends to take 9yos to OWs house one day next week to help him cut her grass or something very casual
I recommend you do EVERYTHING in your power to keep the ws completely out of the children’s llives.

They need to be taught the value of marriage and just because your h is not valuing it (marriage), does not mean that you should allow him to negatively influence the children in this way.