ATU: well I wanted to be anonymous because I dont want wife to see or "hear" that I was in here.Orchid: You have that right. However, you are aware that you just aren't good at hiding your identity? Take it in the lighthearted manner I am writing it. It was obvious to more than 1 of us here. The example I used of another poster (his poster name is not important to know) but knowledge of the scenario shows that others have done the same.
ATU, you are younger and have the opportunity to make your life better. I highly recommend you don't go down the same path as that other poster has done. This person had a family together, produced children - (not alone - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), went through good and bad times, has his own business and was able to help many here. Right now, he still visits often and posts under another name. How many more his has is unknown but all those names won't change his problems until he deals with them. Eventually his W had to remove herself as a caregiver. It was a painful extraction for her and has left it's marks on the children, his mother, her mother, the pets, property, business, etc. He stands to lose more than you have right now. The OW may or may not be out of the picture but irregardless, the damage he is done and doing is no longer something he can blame on others. He often sits as a lonely man, posting feverishing into the night and early morning.
I am sad since I have spoken to both him and his w. They are both nice people and he is an intelligent man. But this A has devastated his ability to use his intelligence for the good of himself and his family. I certainly hope you don't go down that destructive path.
ATU: As for the career yes I have been struggling for 4 years to get in, which also involved sacrificing that dream for my wife a couple times...and now all of the dramatic events lately have disturbed my mind to such an extent that I am on the verge of having to widthdraw my place in the class. This is terrible, a waste of time and a destruction of my dream.Orchid: If you were my son, I would tell you what a shame. If you were my friend I would tell you what a shame. If you were my H, I would tell you what a shame. But you know what? The destruction of your dream is what you have allowed. The success of your dream is also within your grasp. Either way the success or the failure is dependent on your abilities. It is your job to make sure you don't overtask yourself. Not even your W can do that for you. As a mate, she can help you.....maybe more than others but her role is as a helper. She can't do your homework for you (she could be that w/b cheating), she can't sit in the class for you, etc. So if this dream of yours is destroyed, your accountability for it is higher than anyone elses.
Just for you? No, that same principle applies to all of us.
In reality if your concept were true, we could all blame others. What type of world would that be?
Do you really buy the talk that others s/b carrying most of the blame? Hm...... there's a category for people who think like that.
ATU: But hey, I cannot concentrate with a mind like this. I have to face my lack of emotional maturity at this point.Orchid: You are correct. So how are you going to face your lack of emotional maturity. Can blame it on your youth? No..... What would you say if a former buddy or classmate told you they had a lack of emotional maturity causing similar problems? Envision that thought, then look in the mirror and convince yourself.
That is not a sarcastic comment, it is an honest suggestion that has worked.
ATU:My counselor, well he is pro-divorce with me, he says I dont love my wife and that our marriage has been over for the past year. I can see his perspective, Orchid: That's funny. If your couselor is pro-D, then by your former statements, U 2 s/b great buddies.......he s/b your best advisor and you wouldn't be posting here because we w/b the 'enemy.' U believe that?
ATU:but I can also see my wife's perspective pre-affair. Yes we had some problems and things were not perfect, but they were at least workable, and we did love each other. Orchid: Good to know you remember those better times. So it is possible to love your W? Hm... gotta wonder how you can love someone with such intensity and then hate them with intensity. Doncha think?
ATU:NOW things are different. Things have not been workable and we have not loved each other, in fact we have even hated each other more than anything...how hard is that to change....well you tell me.Orchid: Are you really able to speak about your W's feelings in behalf of her? I would be offended if my H did that about me. Yet while in the A and fog, he did sell me up with river without a paddle. But it felt more like he threw me in the ocean far from land with no raft, boat, board, paddle or anything.
You know my son had a nightmare that his dad cast us both in the middle of a large body of water. No land in sight and then we were running away from those trying to catch us. WS was in one of those boats. So you see these horrid impressions affect more than just our spouses.
U know you left yourself open to my long responses because you said those 4 challenging words: "well you tell me."
Ok, so now I will tell you. You have both but more so you ATU. U have both allowed your love to cool off to the point of what appears to be no return. Yet the world is not flat and neither is your M.
The horizon can be dark or light, you set the course and the destination. Your W can choose to be your partner for life or not. You can choose to have her as your partner for life or not but the navigating of your M will require the efforts of both. In that voyage you both have leeway of some freedoms. Within the 'boat' (marriage arrangement) you have the ability to move about from the bow to the stern. There are boundaries that s/b respected. Within the confines of that boat, each has areas that overlap and are individual. Some of those areas are obvious others are negogiable.
To allow either to stray outside the M boundary is like one of the crew trying to expand the boat while the boat is enroute out on the open sea of life. That would cause the boat to crash, sink and ruin those on board.
Another example c/b that same boat with one of the crew trying to attach another boat (OP) and still expect the existing crew to absorb this addition and all it's conflicts by navigating the same waters with this huge thorn like boat sticking out on it's side.
The WS is seen trying to walk the plank between both boats, still doing their duties but from the plank. How are you suppose to swab the deck, man the hull, raise the mast, etc. from the plank? All the while this other boat has you doing her 'plank' duties and basically gets her stuff done at the expense of the 1st boat and crew.
Can you handle this picture?
L.
