Hi. I've posted a couple times and the advice here has been excellent. Thanks all for that. We are now coming to a crossroads in our reconciliation however.

Long story short:
We are both the WS and the BS. He left (almost 9 mths ago)saying he was out of love with me. He moved in w/ his brother an hour away. My parents moved back home, so now I live with them (with my two kids, 3 and 18mths).Talked to an old friend. I got fed up with the amt of time he spent with OW and I called my old friend. I cheated, he cheated (says out of revenge). All of that died it's own natural death but he also had an EA with OW. I did not. For the past 4 mths he's told me he wants to work things out with me, yet it's hard for him to let her go.
I've been patient, as patient as one can be. I did the plan A and B during this time. I think this helped tremendously.

The time has come now that he has been slacking off on his contact with OW. He's military as well (only reserves) but he's been going off for training a couple wks at a time. Before he left, he told me that he had only seen her once in 3 wks b/c he was not returning her calls so she came to his house to see what was up. He did not call her on his recent trip to New Orleans, so she called the base to get his # and when he didn't return her calls, she left a nasty message telling him not to call her when he got back. He decided to take the easy way out and not call her back. When he abided by her wishes this weekend after getting home, she shows up at his house the day after to talk about it. His response (as far as I know) was "what's there to talk about"

He, I feel is trying to get rid of her. She, however, is being very hard to get rid of. I worry that he will begin to feel guilty and it will return to the old thing again.

Another problem I am currently having is he has found this new single life to be exhilarating. He partied hard in New Orleans and he has brought it back home with him. He never was much of a partyier before. I don't mind it much except for knowing that girls are dancing all over him. And he doesn't invite me along on his "fun". He makes up excuses as to why we can't see each other - the kids bed time is 8, i have to work the next day, he has to work the next day, the house is dirty, we live an hour away. I've given up on it.

I feel that he is too busy for me or the kids. He's now getting what he wants. He's gotten me to leave him alone so to speak, he's getting rid of her, he has his military stuff to keep him busy and he gets to go out every night of the week if he wants. No time....too busy. I'm starting to resent him too. If we were to get back together and he wanted to continue this way of life, I couldn't handle it. I won't go back to being the one that works, goes home, takes care of kids, cooks cleans and then go to bed by myself all in the name of WS having fun. If I have to be alone while married, I may as well not be married. I can be alone by myself.

Example of his behavior:
He has drill this past Saturday. Afterwards he has to meet some guy at a coffee shop to help with navy books. Then he meets his brother at a country club. This is also the day that he has to talk to OW. I had asked him to call me to let me know what the schedule is for the kids this week. I didn't hear from him. Luckily, I didn't wait by the phone.
Sunday, he called at 7pm. We went over the schedule and how much money he owes me to date. I then told him I had to go.
This morning we meet to exchange the kids. When I go to leave, he asks for a hug. Before he left this last time, we had regularly been giving hugs when we left each other. This time, I said no. He said "oh well" and proceeded to hug me anyway. I didn't reciprocate - I actually had my hands on his chest to push him away. I told him to keep his hands off of me, that he had hurt me too bad this time and he didn't deserve my affection. He immediately let go and left in a hurry which is not usual. I tried not to let it bother me, but I get disturbed when he tries to be controlling. If I say no, I mean no.

What type of action should I take in dealing with beginning to open up to him now that he is trying to get rid of her? I am afraid to let my heart be vulnerable to him again. This will make the 4th time that he has mentioned ending it and yet the talking continued. This time seems more sincere and his actions from what I know or have just been told seem to back it up.

Also, what type of approach should I take when dealing with Mr. Single guy. I think he is afraid that I will want him holed up in the house and never go out if he we live as a married couple again, but that's not true. I just don't want to feel like a doormat, taking care of everything by myself just so he can have fun. What about me having fun too? We are both 23. I don't want to feel like I'm being used anymore. I don't want him to be too busy with his other life outside of the home to make time for his wife and family. Should I just give him time and also what limits should there be to his "fun" while we are separated or back together.

Any help is appreciated.
Thanks.
April

I did the plan A and B during this time.
What are you doing now? You have an awful lot of information for being in Plan B.

When he first left, it was just to "see what was missing" and lead to eventual reconciliation. I did not know about OW until a month later and they both say they did not speak until after he had left me. However, it was already in his mind.

I did not learn about this site until after both of our PA's came to fruition. Mine began in January and he claims his began in February. The PA's lasted through March. At the end of March, he decided he wanted to work things out with me. I began to search for ways to do this the right way so as to not have history repeat itself.
Firstly, I did not speak to him the whole month of March hardly. We do still have to see each other or talk occassional as we have two children together and were keeping them half the time each. Half the month of April he was gone to reserves boot camp. So I didn't speak to him then. We did go on a family trip to the beach the weekend before, but we did not talk or really hang around each other. I had already discussed the Plan A negotiating about his ending the A - he agreed that he knew he had to end it but he couldn't let go of her. We did these "negotiation" talks through May. In June, I realized that Plan A was not working. He still maintained contact with her and still treated me like crap. I sent him an email regarding Plan B. I really stuck with it for about a week, maybe two...then I run into them both at the mall and he begs me not to mess it up, that he's ending it with her that night. He asked me to trust him just this once. Then, we have a conversation about "us" the next day and I find out that he did not end it with her, he only told her that he would have to stop talking to her only IF we decide to try to work things out. (I thought this had already been decided back in March?)
So I revert back to Plan B except for July 4th when we took our children to see the fireworks.

I do not call him. I have not made a phone call just to talk since starting Plan A. The only time I call him is if I have a specific need or question regarding the kids. I think that my downfall has been engaging in conversation about day-to-day life though if he does call me. Sometimes I do tell him that I can't talk and I need to go as he normally is the one to get off the phone and I've been told that I have to be the one to end the conversations.

However, say I'm not at home on a Saturday (i.e. taking kids to the beach) when he decides to call me on his lunch break. When I finally have to talk to him or see him re: exchanging kids, etc. then I get the 3rd degree (are you SURE you went by yourself?) type questions. It's like I'm not allowed to have a life but he is?

He also just came back from a 2 week stint for the military so I barely spoke to him then. I did not call him, he called me maybe three/four times, mostly asking for money since his govt. credit card stopped working. I told him I didn't have it. I could've given it to him, but I didn't. I also was his ride to/from the airport because he wanted the kids to see him off. I know I should have told him no, but he requested the kids be there, what else could I have done?

I try to have as little contact with him as possible. However, he feels he is trying to put forth all this effort and why does it have to always be him - (i cheated too).

Now that his A seems to be ending, how long is Plan B supposed to last? As the website states in the definitions of Plan A and B, our separation was not due to infidelity, infidelity happened as a result of our separation. It also states Plan A and B are not to be used to get over annoying behaviors, I suppose his controlling and partying ways fall under this category?

It's like I have so many events/emotions that conflict with what advice I've been given. It's not just plain black/white infidelity issues. If it were, it might be easier.

April

Did you ever send a Plan B letter as written in Surviving An Affair?

Now that his A seems to be ending, how long is Plan B supposed to last?
Plan B goes on until he agrees to end the affair and to no contact. Then you can discuss what is needed for reconciliation.

If you decide to divorce him, you can end Plan B then and get along to complete the divorce. Or you can maintain Plan B indefinitely through and after a divorce.

I did not read the book, but have it now.
A friend from another group who actually linked me to this group sent me a sample Plan B letter and I formed one similar to it, adding my own thoughts and sent it by email as I did not have his address and if I were to hand it to him, I'd get a million questions as to what it is, etc.

I don't want to divorce him, but I feel at a crossroads. I believe in marriage and trying everything possible that way there's no regrets.
His affair seems to be ending. I want to give him time to come out of the emotional loss of losing that part of him.

But, it seems, as in everything else he's ever faced, that he's covering it up with something else. His Mr. Single guy attitude. He's ran from every confrontation we've ever had whether it be with me or someone else or finances, etc. I've always had to deal with it. He left me, covered up the problems we had by starting a relationship with her. Now he's covering up his A and the emotional withdrawal by playing as Mr. Single, which I believe will only make matters worse, because even though we are separated, marriage vows are still in place. Just because they were broke once, doesn't mean the get to continuously be broken. I heard one person say some people transfer their affection.

I think this is him to a "T". I just need to know how to cope. How to continue to live by my marriage vows even though he's doing what he is doing. He puts a double standard on me. I feel as though I have to be "perfect" otherwise I get a million questions and doubts, yet he is blatently "not perfect" and I'm just supposed to be patient and wait it out?

April