I left my H one month ago. We were drifting apart for about 6 months. I felt hopeless and unhappy, and so did he. We began living separate lives so to speak. We never spent time together and when we did, all we did was argue. I thought leaving was the answer. I was wrong. I knew that while we were going through that emotional separation he was seeing someone. How involved he was, I am not sure of yet. But he was certainly building a relationship with her, because the day I left he asked her to be his girlfriend. He said he thought I was never coming back and that it was over. Now, we are both unsure. He is actively dating her, calls her his girlfriend, and is open with me about his affair. He feels justified in it because I left him. I have told him I want to reconcile. He says he doesn't know what he wants. I now live about 10 blocks from him. I occasionally see them together driving about. She thinks he has cut all ties with me. But he hasn't. He calls me every night to tell me he loves and misses me and to tell me goodnight. He calls the minute she leaves for work in the morning to ask me to come over. We have sex almost every day. I've asked him to leave her so that we can work on us and the problems that were there before she was, and he says he can't do that to her...he can't hurt her. He says she's never hurt him and that I have. He says he promised her that he wouldn't hurt her...but what about his promise to me when he married me? We just had our 13th wedding anniversary...of course while we were separated. I didn't even get a card, but he called me at work to tell me he loves me. He says he will always love me. I don't want to cut all communication off with him. I am afraid that he will fall in love with her and tell me he doesn't want me anymore. He accidentally hit my number on his cell the other night while they were out and I heard him tell her he loves her and she said she loves him too. That about sent me over the edge! I wanted to just die right then and there. I confronted him about it and he said he only tells her that because he is f**king her. Like that is supposed to make me feel any better. He asked me if I really thought he could fall in love that easy...I said I don't know. He asked me if I really thought he could stop loving me so easy...I said I didn't know that either. He doesn't act like he loves me when he is with another woman. He doesn't want to file for divorce. He doesn't expect his relationship with her to last, but he's not ready to end it for me. I asked him what attracted him to her, because physically she can't hold a candle to me, and he said she is nice to him. She reminds him of me when we first met. I have read all kinds of books, I have prayed, I am meeting with my pastor tomorrow. I am considering a leave of absence from work because my depression is getting worse. I love my H very much. I was just so blinded by self-pity and hopelessness, and despair that I thought leaving was the road to happiness. I couldn't have been more wrong. I am in pure hell. All the books I've read discuss saving your marriage after infidelity while the H and W are still living together. What about when they are separated? Is there hope there too? I know he loves me. I don't think he really loves her...it's just something new..someone to make him feel good...which I haven't done for him in a long time. But I am trying to do that now. It is just difficult because I only get him during the day while she's at work. When she's not at work, they are always together. BTW, she thinks that we are completely over...she has no idea that he is seeing me at all except to pick up or drop off our son. Essentially he is cheating on his girlfriend with his wife. Help!!!! Any advice???? I really don't want to end my marriage or give up hope just yet. If he really wanted it to be over, wouldn't he just end it with me? If he didnt' think we could work it out, wouldn't he just stop calling me? I don't call him at all...he calls me. I am so confused and deeply hurt that he doesn't feel our marriage is worth dissolving his affair. He wants me to give it a few months and see where it leads us. Is he testing me out to see if I will wait for him?

Ok, that's enough for now or I'll write forever.

Please help!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi and welcome to MB,

What books have you read and are you in counseling? Have you asked your doctor how to treat you for depression and have been taken STD testing? Having s3x w/him while he is having s3x with her is like having s3x w/all the men she has done it with. Does he know that?

If you can, call Steve or Jennifer and do some phone counseling with them. Right now any attempt to reconciliation may be futile because he is having his cake and eating it to. Do you realize you may be enabling the A? If so, what do you think you should do?

Remember to protect yourself and your santity. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart.

Read the book Surviving an Affair for starters.

Let us know how you are doing. How is your son?

take care,
L.

<small>[ July 23, 2003, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

DH, one thing you will learn from this site is the mind of the WS. They are aliens! But one thing that I will say and this may seem harsh but here it goes. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If he really wanted it to be over, wouldn't he just end it with me? If he didnt' think we could work it out, wouldn't he just stop calling me? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should he end it with you, he is having EVERY NEED filled by 2 women! You have sex with him everyday knowing he is sleeping with an OW! PLEASE PLEASE PROTECT YOURSELF SEXUALLY. USE CONDOMS! He is not going to work on marriage as long as he is still seeing the OW! And by you knowing about his girlfriend and continuing to sleep with him is only enabling his behavior. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. How about doing something DIFFERENT! Not sleeping with him for starters. His is having his cake and eating it too. Why would he stop that? You need to make the changes that he won't.

Plan B time.

Plan B time.
Pretty drastic action to recommend after only one post, don't you think?

What was going on previous to those 6 months and what lead up to the separation?

I am so confused and deeply hurt that he doesn't feel our marriage is worth dissolving his affair.
This is all very typical. You're hurting and he is confused so he does nothing (stop afair or return to marriage.)

He wants me to give it a few months and see where it leads us. Is he testing me out to see if I will wait for him?
He's unsure of what he is doing. Sort of "it feels right but I know it's wrong" and he trying to make sense of it. He won't.

Read the links below in my signature.

Well, I am currently reading "The Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie Omartian. The other books I am reading is "Why Men cheat", "Divorce Remedies", and "Reconcilable Differences." I also have been reading my Bible, and have read the whole book of Proverbs in 2 days. My pastor gave me 2 books today, one is called "Rigth With God" by John Blanchard, and the other one is "Christian Living in the Home" by Jay E. Adams. So far the Power of a Praying Wife and Divorce Remedies have had the most impact on me.

What happened in the 6 months prior to my leaving. Hmmm. Well, for starters we basically grew apart. What started it, I really don't know. I can't pinpoint it down. All I know is we were spending less and less time together. Then we argued about stupid little things like house cleaning and time on the computer, and his friends constantly over all the time. We never did anything together. I just grew very bitter and resentful. I was so extremely unhappy. I really thought I could leave him, find a new home, and start a new life, and find some one who could fulfill me in ways he wasn't. But now I know that it doesn't work that way. I am more unhappy now than I've ever been in my life. I miss my H terribly. I know the risks I am taking by sleeping with him. But in all honesty, that part is better now than it has been in a long time. I know I should stop doing that, but he is still my husband and I love him. And I am tackling one obstacle at a time. I do think that not having sex with him may make him realize what is gone. However, I found out today, that that is the only thing he likes about her. He told a mutual friend that she is "wild", that she will do anything, anywhere, anytime. He also told this person and her BF that I am the most beautiful woman he's ever met. That I am class, where she is not. He said he loves me and want to be with me, but he doesn't know how to break it off with her. He said that he really doesn't even think she is all that pretty. It is all about sex, and I know he will grow tired of that soon. She is a slut, always has been and always will be. And he knows that. And that is why he says she isn't what he wants. He is just enjoying the fulfillment of his sexual fantasies with her. That is not to say that we didn't do things that were what I considered to be wild, but I know that I am not doing things she does. For one I am not an exhibitionist, and she is. She just doesnt' care. And I guess that is something he gets off on. I am coming up on 4 days without seeing him because of my work schedule. We'll see what happens.
I have also called and made an appointment for myself with a counsellor. I go next week. I also have made contact with a woman from my church...which I have not attended regularly...and we are going for coffee on Monday night. This was on the recommendation of my pastor today. And this woman called me tonight and told me she is there for me to cry to, to vent to, and to pray with. I am a religious person, and I believe with all my heart that if this is going to work, I need the Lord's intervention.

Thanks to all who replied. It is comforting and appreciated very much.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan B time.
Pretty drastic action to recommend after only one post, don't you think?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In retrospect, yes. What she was doing reminded me of Plan A, and since it was not working, and he was cake-eating, plan B seemed the logical next step. And, it might work. However, in addition to the wonderful links in Chris's post, it would be good to click on the link in my signature line, and go through the Plan A links therein. Plan B has a better chance of inspiring the WS to come back if Plan A has been done well. I am not sure DH is doing a good Plan A. What DH is doing sounds too close to the dormat version - but it is hard to tell for sure from her posts.

DH: My wife thought "The Power of a Praying Wife" was great. I thought it helped us, too.

What am I doing that may be enabling the A? I really hope I am not doing that!!!!

Deeply:

Start reading my thread if you have chance in order to learn where enabling leads you. Read my first post. Your WS is exactly like mine. WSes have predictable scripts. My WS is the biggest cake eater around. He wants me and his OW and its been going on for a long time. What happens is your WS can feel even more comfortable having an A because he is having all of his needs met. Plus, think about the ego-stroking he is getting. He does not want to give that up, having two women lusting after him. Continuing to see him while he sees the OW will prolong his A. I believe that now. It took a long time for me to be convinced just like you because it felt so good to get any attention from my WS. DEEPLY HURT, he is giving you crumbs. You are his wife.You deserve so much more than to be disrespected in this way. Without you, she will have to meet all of his needs and she will fail. That's what's happening now with my WS since I've learned to stop enabling him.

Is there a reason why you can't move back home? Tell him that you want to try to make it with him and move back in. That would give you the opportunity to work on PLAN A.

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

I cannot move back home because 1. he changed the locks 2 days after I left and 2. she is a frequent (almost daily) "overnight guest" and 3. he won't let me. I've asked him to let me come home and he won't let me. You are right, he is giving me crumbs. I am sick of him going back and forth between me and her. I am sick to death of hearing the things they do, the places they go. I think I am getting very ready for plan B. The anger and resentment of this A is really starting to take over and although I love my husband and I want to make our marriage work, I am beginning to wonder how and why I should. He is not giving me the chance to do plan A effectively. What do you think about telling her what is going on? I don't think she would like it very much if she knew what he did while she's at work. My friend told me that when she was at my house recently, the OW told her that she don't share her man. First of all, he's mine. We are still married!!!! And secondly...she IS sharing, she just doesn't know it. Although me revealing this to her will probably make my H furious at me. But I am not winning any battles doing what I'm doing now. I feel numb....

DH,

Can't you have her arrested for breaking and entering? Or at least allude to it? I mean is any thing of value missing from the house? OWs have NO RIGHT to the BS and the BS property.

Why did you have to leave vs the WS?

L.

Having her arrested will only make matters worse.

Last night I told my H that I couldn't do this anymore. He thought I was telling him that I wanted a divorce. He stuck his hand out to shake my hand, and told me "It's been nice knowing ya." I said that's not what I meant. I said I love him and I want our marriage to work. But I can't be with him while he's with her. It's not fair to either of us (meaning the OW). He hugged and kissed me and he left. He was at my house.

This morning he calls as if nothing happened. He heard the irritation in my voice and got mad and told me that he told her last night that it was over between them and that he couldn't do this anymore. But that when she started crying he made up with her. I ended up going to his house. I cried hysterically (wrong thing to do, I know), I yelled at him (again wrong), and I told him that I was sick and tired of being constantly rejected. Everytime I tried to leave he stopped me. Finally, we both calmed down and talked a bit. He won't budge though on ending the A. So, I calmly told him that I was leaving and that I love him, but that I didn't want him to call me and that I don't want to see him until he is done with her. Then I left. And he didn't stop me. So, plan B is now in effect. The strange thing is that I feel a sense of peace in a way. My heart is still broken, and I still want my marriage to work. But, I feel as if this was what I needed to do to help myself. Cause, him going back and forth between us was just too much to handle. It was really making me sick...physically. Just pray that I will stick to my guns and not give in before the time is right.

U R doing good and inner peace is better than being in competition for your H. Their A is already on the down hill spiral so just sit back and watch.

Hugz,
L.

I'm sorry, Orchid, if you already said this before, but I am curious to know if you are back with your S or not.

Just a little update since this mornings post. I am afraid now. Now I wonder if he thinks that I don't want to reconcile. I am afraid that I won't be strong enough to stay in Plan B. He is with the OW now. I saw his car there. (Unfortunately, we all live in very close proximity of each other). My MIL, who has been a tremendous support to me, thinks he will come to his senses soon. I am not so sure. And the waiting is going to drive me insane. I haven't gone out much or done anything to keep myself occupied, and money is pretty tight right now. It consumes my thoughts. It is all I think about. And no matter what I do, I can't stop it. People try to talk to me about other things, and I can't even concentrate on what they are saying. I try to put on this front of happiness, but it is not working. My heart is aching constantly. And now I feel as if my M is over because I did Plan B. What if he doesn't come back? What if Plan B fails? Then where will I be?

DH,

Brief recap: WS moved out Dec 2000, returned April 2001.... with about 6 false recoveries that followed from 2001 - Dec 2002.

Last known interlude with them was around Dec 2002 with phone contact (initiated by WS) ending around Feb 2003.

Ow's last phone call was about 2 weeks ago. She wanted to let H know that she found out via someone at my work that I was going on vacation. I no longer feel safe at work for this reason and a few others. However I have my support group on alert and will continue to go about my normal routine.

WS regained his H title only this year. The feelings of anxiety and depression are quite real. Don't fight it. Know that plan B is NOT a bad thing. It is done to keep you sane and protect you and your family. As long as he is with the OW, he is a DANGER to your family and its arrangement. You should be glad your MIL is on your side. A few MILs are not and that makes it harder for the BS.

The issue of trust is still in repair but our communication is much better. In fact the last OW call was reported to me by H within 1 hour of the call (I was at lunch when he received it). It has taken over 2 years to get H to that level.

Hope this helps.

L.