My h was always a responsible man, and took responsibility for his female employees too seriously. After 9-10 hrs of "being there" for several women employees with personal problems, he was too exhausted to be concerned with my job stress. His work women became his "family" and his life centered around his and their work stress. The kids and I were the burden and settled for the leftover, tired, withdrawn scraps of 2 or 3 hours in the evening, and he said my complaining about my job made him not want to be at home at all.

These women had their own husbands, friends, kids... who was I supposed to turn to for support? When I begged him for attention and told him I was lonely, he asked why I couldn't figure things out for myself.

Eventually he developed an emotional bond with a coworker, and after 25 yrs of faithful commitment to his job (and I thought to our marriage) he admits to an attempted sexual affair during an out of town meeting with her. He says she backed out. I'm not sure, but he began spending more and more time socializing with his female employees, while I worked late hours, and after her rejection he turned to a younger, slutty coworker whom he says he had sex 3 times with.

His guilt almost ruined his health and after asking for a divorce he confessed his affairs, almost 2 yrs ago. We are still picking up the pieces - or I am. He's been letting me do most of the frantic work that betrayed spouses are willing to do. But lately, I'm starting to back off.

My h is just now learning how this happened to him, and how it could have been avoided. He just admitted that the young slut at work still flirts and undresses him with her eyes and gives him a come-on that embarrasses him whenever she can.

That made me furious and in my opinion he is continuing the affair. He thinks that by just avoiding her and not dealing with it that he is blameless. After a very heated arguement with me, about his avoidance issues, he realized that he had not put closure on the affair and if we are to continue to work on this relationship he will need to confront her by email or write her a letter, setting very clear boundaries.

Just this week, he and first ow were sent to another out of town meeting. He's asked that I go with him these days because we are in marriage repair and it's part of our deal. But it makes me sick to see these bosses (people I know) and secretaries that ride together to these conventions for days at a time, go out for drinks together in the evening, sit closely and bond over dinner, and who knows from there. In fact, they become familiar as a couple in the agency circles. That's humiliating to me, because my h used to be one of them.

The agency insists that they ride share, and would probably love it if they room share to save a dollar. Maybe they should also offer to pick up the tab for marriage counseling and/or divorce fees. Office affairs are the worst because you can't get away from it. Unless one of you quits, it's in your face (and worse, your spouses) every single day. I have developed an anxiety over his workplace that makes me angry. I used to like those people, and now I can't stand any of them and what they represent. Plus, I can't stand what I must look like to them. The woman who wasn't enough for her husband. It's such a sickening role to play.

Srchn, you know this is probably more in the faces of so many couples these days. And companies are encouraging all of this heated comraderie for their own benefit. But like you said, they ought to be willing to add marriage counseling to the benefits list.

Companies are usurping the good intention of workers that wish to do anything practically to improve the quality of the company. And they are "asked" to go on weekly seminars, complete with entertainment and wining and dining. In essence they ought to be legally responsible for some of what goes on at them.

People who are saying "no" to be a part of this romancing of the work, will be chastised one way or another. And held back from a promotion, or demoted or pay increases with held. Who can afford to say "no" to theses beasts, when you are trying to afford the home, children, vacations, save for retirement.

But in the end what the worker may truly get is a divorce and that will cost him/her at least one child's education.

The companies ought to be held responsible as well as your spouse. Everyone is the victim. Ultimately these poor ethics should bite these companies, by losing some good workers. But do you think that "they" truly care?

((((bump)))))

bumpity bump

<heavy sigh>

gosh, if i had any "solutions" for this one I would be solving my own marriages problems

<deep sigh>

and to add to the complexity of "our" situation, there are lots of "locked" secure rooms/labs and empty classrooms thru the day, the place can be a virtual ghost town. co-workers rarely know where H is 'cause the building is second largest to the pentagon.

<heavy deep sigh>

Well, we could start with this. Who is to blame?

I think that the married person involved is the first that must take responcibility. Essentially, they know they are married and it is their choice to either honor the convenant or not.

YES! the work place does have responcibility. With all the time and $ they spend on seminars and workshops about how to manage the coffee room, you think they would have enough time and $ to address the issue of appropriate relationships in the workplace and the ups and downs of such relationships. If the workplace "cared" as much as they do about appropriate relationships and inappropriate realtionships as they "care" about who is robbing the coffee room by not paying up and milking the pot for all it was worth, why then......
It's easier to tackle to little non-issues than to tackle the real problems. Kinda makes one feel a false sense of power and control when things are out of control.

People need to know that "Big Brother Is Watching"

<small>[ July 25, 2003, 06:36 AM: Message edited by: 2ndfiddle ]</small>

Innocense is the initial feeling then there is the well, how much more am I supposed to give here? This question is probably asked first by the spouse not working for the company as it is their own love bank that has dried up. And for the more thoughtful and considerate spouse, that did not get sucked in to the company brain wash effort, there may be a change of jobs or a keener interest in pushing for spouses to be able to attend. This would certainly make potential shenanigans put to the minimum. After years of allowing the behaviors that are loosely guarded and the alcohol that is always available at these "professional" meets, you know that you did not always see the red flags and the warnings soon enough.

The bonding that should have involved spouses, during these overnights, and party atmosphere type seminars are ultimately disgraceful. And anyone with an ounce of care will find that the design of things is certainly one way. For their company and the strict bonding of these comrades. It is totally appauling and if some of these stories that have never been told as to what has gone on, there would probably be more divorces than you could shake a stick at.

Do you think that I am wrong here? I would love to believe differently.

I would love to believe differently as well.

And then there is the opportunity of affair in the "specialist" flown in to tackle a problem at the facility who will be gone with ina few days, only to return sometime inthe future when the problem arises again. The potential for the one-night stand with the assumption that it is innocent because they will probably not encounter oneanother again.
Am I getting my point across?
hmmm...

With those types of benefits, job change may be out of the question?

2nd, you brought up non-issues vs. real problems. A good theme here. How can we tackle these real problems as the spouse married to the person who is partially "wed" to the "work"?

You know I think that the sooner we at least realize there is a problem, it is partly our own responsibility to do something to protect our family from at least depreciating. What kinds of things are there to do to restore tippled love bank balances?

#1 Talk to spouse about relationships ...all of them that he has at work.

#2 Become an excellent listener. Listen for the non-verbal cues as well..ie. body language and facial expression. Also tone of voice and attitude about expressing any information---open and relaxed or secretive and unwiiling

#3 What else...

This may sound corny and archaic, but, here it goes.

What about insuring, to some extent, that the home is a safe place for the WS to be. A place where they can be who they are, and not having to strive to be performing and perfect all the time. A place where they can let their hair down. A
place where they are loved no matter how stressful the work place has been.

I am by no means suggesting that the WS be accommedated for their every whim. I am not suggesting that the WS be enabled.

Workplaces are becoming more and more dog-eat-dog, every person for themselves. Less of a team environment. The home does not have to be that way.

2nd, are you saying that it would be stressful to talk about the ideas 1 and 2 that I wrote about? I agree in making your home a completely safe and comfortable place to be, but if you are feeling as though you have some elephant in there, how are you going to feel this way?

Goodness no, WFLOWER.
I was adding to the suggestions.

phew! I am sure glad to hear that from you.

and you doubted me, my dear WFLOWER?
ooooo.
I am now forced to think of some unthinkable torture for you.
hmmmmmmmm.

hmmmmmmm......
nah,
how about another piece of chocolate.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ahh, 2nd, just as long as you have no voodoo dolls or anything like that err I will have some chocolate however, thankyou very much!!!

nah, no voodoo dolls.
(only the secret ones under my pillow that have the OW's hair attached to them. heh heh heh)
More chocolate? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

***The agency insists that they ride share, and would probably love it if they room share to save a dollar. Maybe they should also offer to pick up the tab for marriage counseling and/or divorce fees.***

You are so right about this. The Company would be THRILLED if they'd share hotel rooms. Save money and TeamBuild (spit) at the same time! I'd sure like to send my husband's company the bills for a lot of things.

***Office affairs are the worst because you can't get away from it. Unless one of you quits, it's in your face (and worse, your spouses) every single day.***

Gods, don't get me started on this. If you want a kindred spirit, do a search on any of my old posts. You'll find plenty and you'll probably think you wrote it yourself.

***I have developed an anxiety over his workplace that makes me angry. I used to like those people, and now I can't stand any of them and what they represent.***

Same here. I have every symptom of PTSD except "survivor guilt" and it is all directly connect to his workplace. You couldn't pay me enough to set foot in that place ever again, and I used to work there with him.

Yeah, I used to naively think that "H's friends would be my friends, too." I know better now.

***Plus, I can't stand what I must look like to them. The woman who wasn't enough for her husband. It's such a sickening role to play.***

I feel exactly the same way. Gee, if things were so great at home then why is he looking elsewhere? (nudge nudge wink wink.)

Are you familiar with the Japanese concept of "losing face?" That's what it is. You are so humilated that you no longer have any face to show in public. But my H insists that "YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL THAT WAY!!!"

Well, it is a totally nasty and revolting issue. But to get a grip, emotions must be kept under control, and use those voodoo dolls girls!! LOL, 2nd, you are sooo funny!! I think that kicking the trash can is better or the next best thing to the person who is doing the bad thing. But I guess you need facts to face the conspicuous behaviors of the WS with.

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, we have to make life optimum, and keeping your head held up is one of those positive things you must do. When you lose face, so to speak it sound like you are accepting that you lose. You are wrong, and you do not fit in. Even if you have made some mistakes, even big mistakes, it is not a reason to continue on the path of self-degredation.

Make the best of yourself and let him come to you. Improving myself once I saw the forest for the trees, was the main item that brought me to the present state Of things are going much better.

New or maybe seeming new and definately improved skills, have made the days far better. And the work place is just that.

I love the things that Red Hat writes. He is so finely tuned to where things are at. I am amazed with how he can advise folks. His ability to see potential and the candid and effectual things he says. What wife would leave him for someone else! The point is that there is never any sense in brow beating yourself. The error was in the one who did the stepping out of the marriage period.

Sorry, most of your posts went over my head... inside humor, no doubt. But Psycho... thanks for the tip, I'll read your posts.

My h works daily with the other women. His attitude of late is "just avoid confrontation" with anyone and anything. Esp. w/ow who continues her games. I used to hate her... now she is a non-issue for me. HE is the issue.

He says all the right words and is here all of the time, but the "AVOIDER" won't actively DO anything towards our repair that I don't suggest, figure out the dynamics of, and make time for. I'm getting kind of tired of it.

H went for a 4 day meeting out of town. He's only 2 hrs away. I could have gone, but I didn't ... no more adultry patrol for me. But, I am feeling a little down... an anxiety reaction I can't seem to control. I don't want to get up and get going... I want to go back to bed and stay there.

The better he thinks things are.. the more doubts began to surface for me. I think it's the control thing. Now that I have some, I'm not so desperate to just settle.