Hi. I've only posted here a couple of times, but have been reading the boards for a couple of months. The advice and support I have seen from posters has been incredible. I think I've reached a decision point or breaking point and would like to hear from people who have been there.

I'm the BS (age 32). My H (age 33) and I have been married 6 yrs, no children. DDay was 6/3/03. He admitted to an EA/PA with someone he had met online. She (age 32) lives in another state and is married with 3 children. They communicated on and off since Sep 02, and it turned into flirting/phone calls March 03. They met over Memorial Day weekend while I was out of town and spent 2 nights together. They say they are in love.

We have been going to therapy (joint and individual) since 6/5/03. NC was stressed by me and therapist. My H said he knew in his head that's what he had to do, but it's not what his heart wanted. For the first month he would come home and tell me whether or not there was any contact. The OW would usually end up emailing him once a week.

July 1st she called and emailed him to tell him she was staying with her H. Apparently she made a deal with her H that if he bought her a bigger house, she'd stay with him. So they bought a house and put their current one up for sale. My H and OW had made an agreement of NC (though they weren't really keeping to this) and that in 3 months they would see if they felt the same way. My H was angry, hurt, etc that she didn't wait the 3 months, though he said he couldn't blame her for her decision and it was what he expected.

After that things seemed to improve. He became more affectionate and we continued to do alot of talking about what was wrong in our marriage and how we could work on fixing it. In my IC sessions, the therapist would encourage me to hang in there because he felt like the marriage could survive with hard work.

Let me say that this whole time my H would say he wasn't sure he wanted to commit himself to the marriage. When asked why, he would say things like he didn't think we could ever get past this, maybe he wasn't cut out for marriage, I deserved better than him, etc. Also, while there was occasional affection, there was really nothing more going on physically. The therapist encouraged us to start heading down that road, but my H would say he couldn't. When asked about why not he would say he felt guilty, he knew the last woman he had been with was not me and he didn't understand why I would want to be with him physically when I knew this too, his desire for me was low/nonexistant, he still had feeling for the OW and he almost felt like he was cheating on her.

At this point, I should mention that our main problem was SF. The frequnecy had dwindled and I hadn't realized that I was making him feel rejected and unattractive by not fulfilling his need for SF. And while we had pretty good communication in other parts of our marriage, we did not in the area of sex. Anyway, during July things continued to get better between our discussions, our outlooks for our future, and being around each other without the strain or sense of impending doom. We both felt therapy was helping too.

Back in April we had planned a trip to San Diego for July 18-27. My H was going to a conference and we decided to extend the trip and make a vacation out of it. Through June and July we had talked about if I was still going to go on it. My H said he wanted to get away for awhile and take a break from all this, so he wanted to go alone. He thought the time alone would help him sort through everything. I ended up changing my airline ticket and am visiting family. We agreed not to talk during our time away.

The weekend before we left on our seperate trips, I became suspicious that he was in contact with her. I asked him, he at first denied it, then I went through why I had come to that conclusion, and he then admitted he had been emailing her. He said her decision hadn't changed and he was trying to taper off the contact, but that he had to do it his own way. I became convinced he was meeting her in San Diego (no real proof, just paranoia and fear) and asked him point blank if he was. He said no. The day before we left we had lunch and I asked him to promise me he wasn't meeting her, he did.

I found out yesterday (I won't bother going into how) that he is in San Diego with her. I called him, asked him if she was there, he said yes. Apparently, this OW's deal with her H included a bigger house and a week in CA with my H, and after that there was to be NC. I can only guess that I was not let in on knowledge of this "deal" because I'm the only sane one in this group.

My H said that with the way he felt about her, he didn't want to only have spent 2 days with her. That he would regret it the rest of his life. He said that this week together was them getting "closure" and saying good-bye. He said he was going to tell me about the trip afterwards and he knew he'd have to in order for us to move forward. He had hoped to come home and start fresh. He said he was sorry I found out the way I did and hurting me, but he didn't regret the trip because it was something he had to do.

I asked him about all the things he had been saying to me right up until he left about me and our marriage. In the 2 weeks before this trip he had started talking about how he was becoming hopeful we could work through things, that we could have a better marriage, that sometimes he got scared I would get tired of it all and just decide to leave (the first month after DDay he would say things like the deck is stacked against us, we'll always have this baggage, etc.). He said that he did really mean those things and that he had planned on coming back from this trip and throwing himself into the marriage and committing to it; that he lied about her being there, not the other stuff. I asked him if this trip was why he had been unwilling to commit to the marriage and he said yes. I asked if this trip wasn't really about him deciding who he wanted. He said it wasn't, that he always knew that he was coming home after to work on the marriage. He also said he didn't want to lose the 2 women he loves in the same week.

We had planned on going away together next weekend (first weekend in Aug). He had even said after this CA trip he thought he'd be able to move forward on the physical aspect of our relationship and was looking forward to the weekend trip (it's for his birthday and I had planned where we're going so it's a surprise for him).

Since DDay my H has told me many times how sorry he is about everything and hurting me and putting me through all this. Our marriage before was good in general - best friends, enjoyed spending time together, talking, etc. We both have said to each other it would've been easier if the marriage was bad because we could've just walked away, and he's said if he didn't love me so much he would've left. The OW apparently told him on several occasions after DDay that she was ready to leave her H and come to him, my H just had to say the word. He never did.

So now I sit here and for the first time start to have doubts about whether or not I want this marriage. Even on DDay, my gut instinct was to fight for my marriage. I thought we were making progress and I was excited about how good our marriage could be, and then he goes and does this. Can I really trust him after this? Would going back mean I have no self-respect? The thought of being with him physically right now makes me sick. I am amazed he could do this.

I've read SAA and HNHN and he read SAA up until it starts talking about marital recovery (because he wasn't sure at the time that's what he wanted). I have tried to meet his ENs and have done a pretty good job (if I do say so myself) of not LBing.

So I'm sorry this is so long. Thank you to those who have read this to the end. I appreciate any insight anyone has to offer because I honestly don't know what to do.

I am sorry, I really can't tell you what to do...that's your call.

The story about her H agreeing to give her both a bigger house and a last fling with your H sounds weird...possible, but weird.

Either way, I do have strong doubts about his lack of honesty. And his lack of commitment. And his willingness to hurt you yet again, then expect to come back and say "well, NOW let's move on." Heck, what if next month she calls him again? Can you trust him this time?

If I were in your place, I am not at all sure that I would want the marriage any longer...it would take a lot of soul-searching, as you are doing. But, if I decided I did, I would not take him back unless he agreed to a VERY SPECIFIC recovery plan...including not only no-contact, but full access to his voicemail, email, etc. It will take a long time to rebuild trust.

Kathi

Thanks for your reply Kathi. I've read other stories of attempts at NC and how difficult it can be to achieve and felt like I had gotten off easy because the OW was in another state, so I didn't have to worry about physical contact. I know it's been said before, but this is so out of character for my H that he leaves me speechless.

When I talked to him yesterday I found myself saying he was going to change his cell number and not to close his email account he started for the sole purpose of communicating with her until I was there to watch him do it. He was saying OK after I said each of those and then I just stopped talking and thought to myself where did all that just come from.

Anyway, I appreciate your thoughts.

Unfortunately, what your husband has said/done isn't that atypical of one who is accustomed to using deceit to cover his actions. Most of what he told you, my wife said to me at some point. And the whole thing about "closure" - puhleeaz! In my experience, closure means, "I'm going to try to get away with this as long as I can." (Can you guess I don't particularly like that word?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )Words are just words unless the accompanying actions are there to back them up.

As Memorial Day wasn't too long ago, he's probably still pretty wrapped up into the "soulmate" thing and the general excitement that usually surrounds fantasy. I wouldn't expect him to come home and be suddenly happy with his marriage. Recovery, if it can happen in your case, will take quite a while on a pretty bumpy road. But, it can happen! My wife and I are almost a year and a half past d-day, and prospects for our complete reconciliation are looking better every day.

You'll hear from a lot of folks here that time and patience are critical in the recovery process. All too true. There will be days that you feel like thowing in the towel and running away. You can come here for support on those days, just as there will be people here to celebrate the good days with you.

So keep reading, posting, and by all means continue the counseling. Some very wise people from around here will be checking up on you to help you through this. Also, if you have family/friends who know what's going on, draw on them for support.

I'll pray for you guys today. Take care of yourself (really - it's important).

trying,

Since you've already read SAA...then you know what a Plan A is and I won't go into some huge explanation. But one thing I'd like to highlight, because I notice it's the thing that most people are squeamish about....is the element of EXPOSURE. It goes hand and hand with honesty, and one of the parts of Plan A that doesn't get much press. Who knows about this affair? Have you told others about it....including family and friends? Have you spoken to the OW's husband? These things sound terribly difficult but are part of opening the A to the "light of day" and clearing the fog. It won't make your husband happy, but then continuation of the affair isn't going to make you happy either. I'm going to give you cerri's outline for Plan A....because it is very direct:

Plan A as Harley meant it to be...

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
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Plan A is not about being a nice guy. Plan A is about ending the affair.... being a nice guy is part of that, but only part. That's why confronting and exposing are crucial elements of Plan A... and if you're not doing those things then you can't really say that you're doing Plan A.