My WH has his SF being met by OP,he said OP makes him feel good....so good that is bad enough to make WS feel like a prostitute? Just curious
..can such feeling lead anyone into making the A a healthy relationship? One that is already base on deception and betrayal;even led WS into giving suicidal threats? Help me to understand. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: wangi ]</small>

wangi,

I'd like to help, but I don't entirely understand the question....so let me see if I can rephrase it. Please don't think that your English is bad....you're doing just fine, but I want to be sure I understand you. Is this what you want to know:

Is it a good idea to provid SF if the betrayed spouse feels like a prostitute when providing it?

If that is the question, then the answer is "no". Some betrayed spouses feel more comfortable than others providing sex to the wayward spouse. If you don't. Then don't do it, no matter what threats the wayward spouse makes. Let me know if I got it right.

Star*fish,I apologize if the heading was not clear
My WH had told me many times that HIS SF w/OP made him feel like a prostitute(OP always leave after she had her SF,usually after he or she paid for meal,there go the "service")The main need of WH wasn't met by me was SF hence the A began,he had always convince himself that the A was not base on SF,to me it has always been and WH has other issue,his depression goes beyond the A...
he has given up almost everything to be in the A and still in it,yet,he could feel so low with OP that he said OP was ALL he is living for,can such relationship become "healthy",he said OP makes him feel good yet he feels like prostitute/
afterthought,why is he fighting so hard to be in the A with all the foul feelings he has that OP never knew?! Do you understand what I was trying to say now? I hope so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Please don't aplogize....I promise your English is better than my Cantonese. What is your language? I think I understand you better now wangi. When you think about it, it isn't so hard to understand that even though the OP makes him feel like a prostitute that he stays anyway. Why? It's because the "high" the BS spouse gets from the affair puts them in such a fog.....they they don't know their own minds, or morals or really what up and down are. They lose the abiltity to make good decisions and clear choices.

But I will tell you this....that the fact that he feels bad at any time during his affair....is a very good sign that it won't last for long. If the OW makes him feel like that....I can't imagine that he will be able to stay for long. It is a good sign for you, that already he is questioning the purpose and the benefit of the affair. It's a good thing for him to be confused....maybe....that means his mind is coming back to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 27, 2003, 02:22 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

S*F,OK,my first language is dance,2nd is music oops,first is Love but WH can never noticed that..
Hmm..let me see,I speak Malay,Chinese(and many other dialects,Cantonese is one my best?!)can understand,read and write Hawaiian though hardly have chance to speak....
I guess you are unsure who my WH is on MB? You must be kidding that he is coming back,he is gone,he is with OP now,he confessed about his
feeling like a P some time ago maybe now he feels superb..he filed D July02,he dismissed it June03,and probably already filing it again,he asked of two MBers to convey messages to me that he wants out,his A is so good that he even wanted to commit suicide,though our M has always been BAD
as he always claim, so bad that he NEVER had any suicidal thoughts for all the years he could call himself my H..I am just confused about his state of mind,I urge for him to go on treatment but I doubt he would do it,when he has OP,he never even
cared about himself,being destroyed,bit by bit..he knows it but he can't or won't get help..
sayonara. Thanks S*F

wangi,

Now that you mention it....isn't your husband blah? It's all coming back to me now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let me ask you this. Is there a cultural understanding I'm missing about the significance of suicide? Is it a good thing that he is thinking of suicide because it means his feelings are so strong? If not, feelings of suicide are not healthy and no matter what he says, the affair cannot be perfect if those are his thoughts.

Wangi, I love your picture! You are very pretty!

S*F,you know him eh,who doesn't? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Anyway,suicidal is no joke under any circumstances. WH had given many suicidal threats including when I did not answer his call(those were now history for we don't talk anymore)With his state of mind sometimes I am unsure if he was just using suicidal as one of his cheap tricks or was he serious,the very last one seemed very serious but anyway,his depression goes beyond his A,A has no doubt make his life upside down,he has lost many that loved/cared for him,most are very disappointed in him(these people love me)he had to take a leave of absence from his dream(?) career due to his mess,no matter what he chose to go that path,if an A was so good,he should be happy(from within)he is only happy when they were "doing" activities together and he would always left behind alone after all the pleasure,again,he chose that over me. I know his guilt toward me is enormous but he has to live with it, I guess he would be fine since he chose his A over M again(the very last time) No matter how much he believes his A can make him happier(imaginary)than the M,he could not feel secure in the A with one that could make him feel like a P. I am just curious why couldn't he see it when it is so obvious? Fog huh..yeah. And he will not come back this time,he is gone. I have accepted that sadly and I move on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey Melody,long time no see..thanks for the compliment..the smile was gone for a while but I am letting the smile come back to me, I miss my own smile! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't ever let that smile fade again...

Wangi,

Good to hear from U!! As to your question about the WS feeling like a prostitute. I had that question given to me also......I told the WS 'you are not a prostitute, that's the OWs title.....U R a gigalo!' LOL!!! Then I reminded him that his prostitute was calling him. LB or NOT? Didn't matter, he asked that question when I was in plan B and needed to limit communication to $$, Mail and child visitation. Why did I say it? It brought me relief and it was about $$. Gigalo's get paid for their services, so I told the WS to go collect his wages.

Now I am not telling you to do this but this is what I did.

L.

Thanks for your supports,my dear Bay Areans <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
RF,you too,keep your smile and be attractive as always,let's go shopping this Saturday,OK..let's go to T&Co too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I used to smile just so naturally from within and it was genuine,the old smile is on its way. It was so nice to meet and to know you,remember we are NOT alone!

Orchid,you are a tough cookie,eh. I think WSs feel like P from time to time,basically that was how the A became so good or hard to break? I guess my WH is having fun again,soon enough he would be forgetting his depression that led him to suicidal,he is confuse where the one that makes him feel so good and yet so very low is concern,but he is definitely clear that our M is gone,I am gone(oh no,he chose to let me go)I guess my WH is not the only that would feel like a P,after all,he is not a special WS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> A former good virtuos honest man is now a bad(?) immoral dishonest man,I feel sad when I see the differences of WH before and during his A. Why? How? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Is it possible for someone that lie so much to become honest again? During his last NC(false recovery! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )he sworn to me that he would not be in an A unless we are really through,I am still his W whether or not he filed the D,and he is still having his A. What has become of him? I ask myself all the time,his A is almost 20 months now that I sometime wake up and convinced myself that it was just a nightmare...why? Am I in denial too?

Hi Wangi,

I was reading your thread. And I believe Blah, might be feeling like a prostitute b/c he's not feeling safe or comfortable with the OW.

Apparently the OW is not making him feel very loved if he felt like a prostitute.

It's just a matter of time before he realizes that she's not what he wants. I think he's just in the fog right now. But I think it's the begining of him seeing her true colors.

Wangi, don't give up hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Remember </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.

And

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ July 28, 2003, 11:50 AM: Message edited by: STBXWife ]</small>

Hi STBXW,how have you been? I hope you are doing fine..yes,Blah..I have not seen him for over a month,not talk since his last suicidal threats,I have no clue whatsoever he is up to now,saw OP drove on the street he lives in last week,that tell me they are back together as usual,OP said many times she won't take him back,why not it is convenient,he is still someone else'H,a Caucasian
male with nice body(young too)and she can come to have her SF being met anytime for he is alone,he thinks she can be faithful to him yet he is not secure enough about her all the time,where her about,who she is with,sales-rep with a flirty personality,I said before she even called me "my darling,my sweetheart,pumpkin,love"so imagine how sweet she can be to lure him with words..really if he is happy with her,the divorce would have been final early this year and his A would not make him wanting to kill himself,right? Blah had
complimented me many times about my loyalty and morality and stability..and he can also have me
wearing bikini on the beach with him(he knows why)
and I am accepted by ALL in our families/circle of friends for I am REAL.We all know that but he refuses to look at his pain v.pleasure
Thanks for having hope in him but I am totally
convince that he is gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please take care of you too, OK. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

(((((Wangi)))))

Do you have the strength and will to hang on and wait this out? Has H filed for D again? I know he did, then pulled out, but what is the status right now? You just be strong, take care of YOU. H and OW don't deserve your energy, save your energy for when H comes out of the fog, you'll need it.

Just want you to know you're in my thoughts.
Jackie

Jackie O, thanks for responding. I have no idea if the D is filed,it seemed to me that he has filed it,OP has the power to make him just like his NC in Dec thru early Jan,he told me(rather he forced me)to sign the paper or OP won't take him back,OP wanted to see the paper,I signed went abroad came back and moved out a week later,he did not feel good enough about his A that he did not send paper to court...then he dismissed it in June..I don't know what is goingg on now,out of sight out of mind? Just let him be,I will be fine,after all I have a great career and I am living my life as fully as posssible. And; I smile too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I made a mistake <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I tried to call my WH three times this evening,he picked up the second time but did not say a word,I even wonder if he was the one that picked up the phone. I missed him therefore I called,not going to aks about the M for it is gone,more like a friend wanting to know what he is doing after the suicidal thoughts. I had been worrying and concern,
perhaps it is really not my place to play that role anymore? Since he took a leave of absence for his grad.school...I want to know where is he going from there..am I wrong? We had emailed each other last week about his school and plans,I had asked if I could speak to him,he said I could on Sunday(that was yesterday but I did not call)I just want to know....I do care very deeply and still love so stupidly. Like I said I know he is gone,he won't come home, there were never times that he would not talk to me,
and not for this long,even when he was mad at me,he would still talk to me,at least we screamed and yelled if not really talking....am I wrong to do that and I failed myself again...
so uncool huh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Now I am mad at myself and feel stupid for trying to call WH,he is NCing me...dahhhh,OK. Pardon me if I am not very alert,why would he choose to NC me? Why NC me seems easier(too easy)than NC OP? Could it be he was forced to do so by OP? Could it be he already filed the Divorce once again? I am just bothered by all the unknown.

Yes,yes, I need to focus on me and move on
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />