Hi everyone, I've been lurking here for quite some time, and finally registered today. This is my very first post.
My husband cheated on me back in February while out of state on his first business trip and STILL has shown what I consider to be very, very little to no remorse. I am getting to be SO fed up with it, and I don't know what to do. He left me and our 5 year old daughter for a month, and he asked me in early March to please reconcile with him. As angry with him as I was by his actions, I still loved him and decided to give him another chance. He has done several disrespectful things since our reconciliation, too many to list right now. (None having to do with OW). Whenever he says I love you lately, I just can't seem to bring myself to say it back to him because I am starting to feel like I'm falling out of love with him. For him to do something that he KNEW would totally devastate me is bad enough, but then to show next to no remorse afterwards just makes it that much worse in my eyes. At this point, I feel almost like I am only staying because I don't want our precious 5-year-old daughter to not have a full time dad anymore. On the other hand, part of me thinks the ideal situation would be for him to finally show some genuine remorse, and THEN maybe I'd be able to finally heal from this and want to stay with him. Thoughts or suggestions anyone? Is there any technique I could use to help illict remorse in him? I've tried being really nice to him, and he'll be really nice back for the most part, but still shows no remorse. Once I don't get the reaction I want from him (genuine remorse), I tend to feel really angry and go back to being a ***** to him and tell him what a jerk I think he is for cheating on me. I don't talk to him like that in front of our daughter, just when the two of us are alone....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't talk to him like that in front of our daughter, just when the two of us are alone.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm... I'm sure THAT really makes him want to spend more time alone with you. NOT!!

You haven't read "Surviving an Affair" yet, have you? If not, do it. Preferably together. If he won't, read it yourself.

There's more in the link in my signature line.

Hi John, No, I haven't read it yet, but I do plan on buying it. I have read several of the articles on this website though. I understand that acting mean towards him is very likely NOT going to make him want to stay with me, but it's been months now since he cheated on me, and like I said he STILL hasn't shown real remorse yet. I've tried to be patient, but I've found it to be very, very difficult to act all sweet and loving when I feel so much resentment towards him for cheating on me. Do you think it's too late for me to do Plan A even after all this time has passed since his affair and when we decided to try to reconcile? I guess I just started in the past few weeks going back and forth trying to decide whether or not I even want to be with him anymore because it's very difficult when he's done next to nothing to help me heal. Whenever I think about possibly divorcing him though, I feel racked with guilt because of the possible effects divorce would have on our daughter. Also, I'll take a look at the links you suggested right now. Thanks...

As hard as this sounds, you have to live with this level of pain, survive this pain as best you can .... and make decisions about the future of your marriage after the worst wave of pain subsides.

Delay making these big life altering decisions for at least 6 months. Your thinking process will be closer to "normal-stable" at that time. You'll be more comfortable with trusting yourself to make good decisions after time has passed.

What do you want to do in the meantime? Take care of yourself and your daughter. Protect your marriage from further damage if possible. Grow spiritually inside. Learn the lessons you see before you. Read about adultery, it's causes and the recovery process. Educate yourself. Develop new healthier ways to communicate your needs.

What you don't want to do is try and manipulate or somehow control your H's feelings. It won't work, and will frustrate you beyond anything. You don't want to second guess or mind-read his motives. He is going through his own type of hell. Different and not the same as your hell. Whatever remourse he will eventually feel cannot be conjured up by your willing or wanting it to happen. His timing will not be your timing.

You need to heal yourself, and leave his healing to him. There is personal recovery that must come befor marriage recovery is even possible. Your job is your self recovery at this time. The marriage will benifit by YOUR personal recovery as well as his personal recovery (if he chooses to make the steps toward personal recovery)

If you make personal healthy recovery choices, he'll either make his own healthy steps to keep pace with yours, or he won't. Either way, you get better on a personal level.

It's too soon to call the outcome, so quit trying. This is slow, and takes patience and courage.

Start developing your own personal courage and practice patience for your own mistakes. Develop the ability to forgive yourself for your mistakes.

Hold on tight to your integrity .... and listen to your own motives.

Start with yourself. He'll catch up to you later.

Pep

As a FWS I have to say that the real depth of my remourse came after I fell back in love with my husband. I was truly sorry about everything that had happend, and especially at how I had treated him, up to that point...but it really hit me in the pit of my stomach when I regained true respect for him as a person, and after I realized how horrible I truly was and how much it all really hurt him.

And I'm a highly communicative female...I tend to be able to express and process my feelings more easily than many men. This will take some real time and soul searching before your hubby will come to that place. Right now he's hoping to sweep it under the rug because it doesn't feel good to feel ashamed and guilty.

I'm sorry you've been put in this position <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But if you really want to work things out and find happiness and peace again, take Peppers advice and work on you...not on trying to make or help him understand what he's done.

Thanks for the advice Pep. I really appreciate it. What you said did make alot of sense to me...

Thanks for the advice hope. What you said reminded me all of a sudden of something I read in the book Divorce Busting. The author said that if you are mean towards your spouse after they cheat on you, then it will feel alot easier for them to justify what they did....
Also, I'm so glad to hear that you and your husband were able to reconcile successfully.

And just to clear up any misunderstanding ....

"very difficult to act all sweet and loving"

No one says you have to or should act all sweet and loving .... just be your real self. Be honest yet gentle, if that's the type of person you want to be. If something hurts, say, "Ouch! That hurts." .... which is different than saying, " You pr*ck! You hurt me. How could you???"

Time and patience with yourself.

Make a promise to yourself to get through TODAY without worrying about tomorrow just yet.

Love,

Pep

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 05:41 PM: Message edited by: hsmommyto1 ]</small>

What Pep said...

No Plan A. Plan A is for separating the spouse from a lover. The reason I suggested reading SAA is in part because it says not to expect remorse. If it comes, great, but don't expect it, because it may not come. You can recover without it.

Harley's stuff on how to recover from infidelity and how to have a great marriage is absolutely the best available. I have read EXTENSIVELY on both subjects <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , and his stuff is the best out there. Period. Not perfect, mind, you, but close. That said, there are lots of other helpful resources. Click on the link in my signature line for what helped us. One author I have not referenced in that link is Gary Smalley. I like everything of his I have read, as well, and one of the strengths of what he writes is that he gives lots of examples. The downside is that he spends a lot of time with things that, while helpful, are not CRITICAL to a good marriage. I look at much of what he writes as kind of "icing on the cake" stuff, though I also found some helpful practical suggestions, particularly on communication, that helped me implement Harley's principles, too.

Here's an idea to help you work through your own feelings .... remembering to leave your H's feeling to him, they're his business, not yours.

Get a notebook. Make a daily list of 5 things you are grateful to have in your life. Then write a small goal for that day.

Example: "Just for today, I will eat 4 servings of fruits/vegies and I will walk 20 minutes at a fast pace."

Make your daily goal measurable, and do-able.

This is an example of a non-measurable goal .... " I will act all sweet to my husband."

It would be better to say something like: "Today, I will give my husband 2 genuine compliments when he does something that pleases me."

or.....

"Today I will honestly discuss with my husband my worries about a future affair, and I will not call him names during our discussion."

Discuss your small steps with yourself. When you've done this for awhile, you'll have some success to look back upon and to boost your self-esteem with.

Love,

Pep

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks so much for the great advice everyone. I really appreciate it.