Hi all,
I'm a long-time lurker, but I've just finished the book Infidelity by Ann Pearlman, and thought I'd post to see if any of you have read it. It's a memoir of her experiences with infidelity in her family of orgin and in her own marriage.

I have to say, I'm pretty bummed out about the whole thing. Her story is just so sad and so, so typical. The pages where she recounts her conversations with her husband are especially painful. It's obvious she's trying to save her marriage, but the best he can do is: "I didn't mean to hurt you," or "You weren't supposed to find out," etc. Many of us have heard such things.

It's clear that tried hard to meet his needs, but it wasn't good enough. She thought they had a special love, they had a partnership, but it turns out that his perspective was different. He didn't love her as much as she thought.

The book leaves me thinking can I ever be myself? Can I ask my husband to watch the kids or cook dinner without worrying that by failing to meet his needs, I'll be replaced?

I'd be interested to hear if any of you have read this book and if you have any thoughts.

Even 8 years later, I still cry about it sometimes.

VG, concentrate on the 3rd paragraph that you wrote. It is a partnership. You and him. Period. Read an uplifting book now. I was reading a professional text in the bookstore which talked about the great difference in folks working through infidelity. Much better odds these days than in our parents time. Why? Because there is so much of it. And there is far more information to help us heal up and renew our lives together. There is healing and there is potential strength and trust to be attained after tragedy in marriage.

We must seek the best path, but as a partnership. Just like you said in this post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by VeggieGirl:
<strong>

It's clear that tried hard to meet his needs, but it wasn't good enough. She thought they had a special love, they had a partnership, but it turns out that his perspective was different. He didn't love her as much as she thought.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't read the book, but I wonder how she knew what his needs were? Was she assuming she knew? I would have never known in a million years what my DH's needs were if he hadn't taken an ENs questionaire in counseling.

Also, I think that love is much much more than a feeling, but a committment and folks make the mistake of basing their entire committment to a marriage on a "feeling." Well, feelings ebb and flow and change every day.

Even so, I believe that statistics show that most marriages DO survive infidelity.

Hi, thanks for the replies...

WFLOWER: We must seek the best path, but as a partnership.

I totally agree with you, I guess what really struck me about this book is that she thought she had a partnership, thought she was special to her husband. It turns out that she was wrong, and in the end he was unwilling to be a partner to her. I know that these feelings are not unusual, but maybe I was so affected by this book because I feel the same way about my own marraige. Trying to operate as a partnership with an unwilling partner.

MelodyLane: I haven't read the book, but I wonder how she knew what his needs were? Was she assuming she knew? I would have never known in a million years what my DH's needs were if he hadn't taken an ENs questionaire in counseling.

I agree with you as well, Melody. She didn't know what his needs were. She was operating according to what he told her he wanted and what she assumed he wanted. What he really wanted was totally different, and maybe something she could not have given him. I did the same thing, worked hard to meet the needs that I thought were important to him, but it turns out that it would have been impossible to meet his needs. Even now, he is resistant to me meeting his needs.

Thanks so much for your input, I guess I just had a really emotional reaction to this book. I'll try something more uplifting next time!

Try "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, Ph.D. She has very good insight. And helps to illustrate different ways of looking at various situations we find ourselves in. And gives some kind of good clues as to what we could do to improve our situations. I think that is uplifting. Of course we need to read other topics to give us diversion, so we do not become maudlin self therapists. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />