That's sort of a tough question to answer...for several reasons. For one, it's hard to really explain how each of the puzzle pieces managed to fit...for another, there are so many variables...and because I know that many BS's think that if they can do just all the right things maybe they can have a happy ending too. And sometimes that just isn't the case...or RATHER, it can be the case, but not necessarily with their spouse.
BUT! I will give it a valiant effort anyway.
For the most part my H didn't actively DO anything. Some things he did do did drive me away further. Sulking, LB'ing, grieving in front of me. Had he had a resource like this board or the Harleys books and done a Plan A, I truly believe I would have turned around pretty quickly. Because I was truly torn at the beginning of all the ugliness...I still loved him very much, but had little needs being fulfilled and he seemed to have no interest, or no understand, in fulfilling them. So I would turn to my new friend who would flatter me, tell me I deserved more etc.. Then I turn back to my H and tell him that I deserved better and all I got was sorrowful looks or anger (go figure!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) so it would just drive me away more. We really were stuck in "being right" mode.
What did my H do to turn my head back?? Well, again, he didn't really actively and conciously do anything on purpose. We hadn't found this board and our counselors had actually driven us closer to divorce. The first counselor gave us a brochure on divorce and how to work out child issues after our 3rd session. And I gotta tell you, in retrospect, we were NOT that messed up. We had basic issues and basic resentment....but no one brought weaponry to the session. So I think she was just lazy........or.......it has occurred to me that possibly...giving her the benefit of the doubt....she might have been trying to shake us up a bit to come to realize that it's time to work together, or this would be the final outcome.
It did shake us up, and we did decide to work together for a time after that. Of course, with no more skills than when it all started we fell back in to the same mess (and with no understanding of withdrawl and how to deal with it). Our second counselor and I clicked big time. But that too became a problem. She had a fantastic "you go girl" attitude that motivated me to work to become a more evolved woman...but she subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) let it be known that she felt I was somehow "beyond" my H and that he would never be able to catch up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> That just fed my crappy WS attitude all the more and in retrospect it was pure bunk. My H is a fantastic man and has made incredible efforts to be a better H. She just never saw in him what I always have.
Interestingly enough, however, she inspired enough independent thinking in me that I came to realize that she herself didn't know everything, and that she was basing her opinions on her own past experiences and biases. Although her counseling was fantastic for ME, she was way off base with our marriage. Course, we were 2 weeks away from divorce when that lightbulb finally turned on!
H and I were separated for a year. It took me probly 6 months to really settle in. H and I were still counseling together and dating occasionally. But I became comfortable in my new home and we weren't really making progress. It was the next 6 months when the healing (aka fog clearing) really happend. H was moving on...I didn't notice at first, but he had started going out with his brother at nights and was making some new friends. The closer our divorce got, the more the reality of my life loomed. I got up, I got our son ready IF he was with me...if not I got up completely alone...I worked, I came home. I payed bills by myself (and struggled to do so)...I went no where and did nothing with no one. I had complete solitude. It allowed me to relax...and I started to lose my resentment. I began noticing how handsome H is again...and I began enjoying the few conversations we had. He didn't notice...and I noticed that too. He had moved on, it was apparent.
The final blow came when I figured out H had a girlfriend. Nothing inappropriate, but she obviously thought a great deal of him and was more than likely counting the days to his divorce being final. Halloween had come and gone, and it had occurred to me that some other woman might be involved in the tricking and treating one day...that it might not always be H, and son and I sharing that time together. Thanksgiving was coming, and our divorce was just after. I guess all the pieces just fell in place at that moment.
All my counselors work with me at calming my mind and learning to process my emotions. The realizations about my part in the unhappiness I had felt in our marriage. The realizations that the lack of passion between H and I had NOTHING to do with personal flaws of H or I or our chemistry, and everything to do with our lack of maturity when we met, and subsuquently the environment we created afterwords that worked against those feelings. The realizations that all marriages will have their ups and downs and that it's a constant job, not something that just falls in place and stays there. The realizations at what I'd truly done....at how I'd done what I'd watched my father do in so many situations...run. The realization about the true depth of pain I'd inflicted on my H...and knowing that I was the only person he felt he could turn to with that pain, and I basically told him he deserved it...and he believed it. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Anyway...all the pieces fell in to place and I realized I was about to lose my family and that I actually still very much loved my H. I was very hopeful that all the books were right and that we could learn skills to make a better marriage and fall in love again. It was a HUGE leap of faith, because I was scared to death. I told myself, and everyone else, that this was it. We were going to get back together (if H would have me) and we were just going to have to make it work because that was that. There was no turning back. H had to be terrified too. We'd had many false recoveries prior.
Anyway, it all came together and we're here today celebrating our 11th anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Very happy, very much IN LOVE. My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I saw the way my H looked at me....she said he adores me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I asked him, he won't admit it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Who knows, maybe she just told me that to plant a seed...but it worked!! I'm glowing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I hope in that roundabout way I answered your questions???? I think that the Harley method makes PERFECT sense. Plan A so that the spouse remembers why they fell in love with you, Plan B so they have the space to see what life is like without you...and in Plan B make sure you are truly working at getting out and on with life. It's noticeable, and sends WS's into a true panic.
GOOD LUCK!!
