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Joined: Mar 2003
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BigStar Offline OP
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Hello,

Short recap:

WW "not in love" - November 2002
WW moved out - February 2003
Plan A from November to April
Now in strict plan B

WW is trying to get our D to "know" OM. They went together to her "friend's" cottage for the first time. Her "friend" was a WW four times (that I know) in her life and says there is nothing wrong with that until you find the man of your dreams. She's been the spiritual advisor of the affair from the beginning.

OM did not want to meet my D until now. I guess the guilt was eating him. It was their first time together.

Here is my question:

How many of you had their kids living with OM and WS and what are/were the effects on the kids?

I tried everything to prepare my D for this by telling her that it's not a big deal, it has to happen, etc... She didn't seem too upset by the fact that she met OM (they stayed overnight, so they slept in the same room, YUK!). Is there anything I should be aware of? Possible reaction from my D?

I know that they have to go through this. WW and OM had their affair for almost a year now, and it's the first time that my D has been with him in the same room for so long. It's killing me and I am stressed out. It's a new level they bring the affair to and I don't know how to handle it.

BigStar

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 04:24 PM: Message edited by: BigStar ]</small>

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Do you have an attorney? How about a child psychologist.

I would not be comfortable with this at all. However, there is little you can do as she is the mother and she can do any darn thing she wants. Unless of course you can find a very good conservative judge to give you custody.

I would see what they think about your daughter sleeping in the same room with this guy. With your wife there or not. I think it is totally inappropriate. Hopefully there was no hanky panky going on.

Ok, so I’m going to be ugly here… but it’s something to be concerned about. The single largest group of people who molest girls are step fathers. He is a guy and he has no real emotional father/daughter connection to her. It’s imperative that very strong boundaries are established in their relationship.

Unfortunately one of the biggest impacts this will probably have on your daughter is to predispose her to being promiscuous and cheating. Girls learn from their mothers. You may want to discuss this with a professional too.

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BigStar Offline OP
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That's not good at all.

OM is younger than my whife. D is almost 12. I have a bad feeling about this. The guy is a predator. Had multiple simultanious g/f in the past. I don't trust him at all. It tears me apart.

They're going camping together next week. It's part of my whife's attempt to "bring them close slowly". Again, they will be in the same tent overnight. ARRRGGGG!

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Again do you have an attorney? This is highly inappropriate and YOU are the only one who may be able to put a stop to it.

So far they have done two things with your daughter and both times they are all sleeping together.

Have you or anyone else ever talked to your daughter about inappropriate touch? About not keeping secrets etc? And about what constitudes abuse?

Abuse includes the adults getting it on when the child is in the same room. My neighbors son is doing 10 years for this... His 6 year old walked in, he saw her and but did not stop.

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BigStar Offline OP
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No, I don't have an attorney.

I did talk with my daughter about inappropriate tuch in general. She knows all about it from school. Not long ago we had a discussion with her specifically about OM and him behaving inapropriately. She WILL tell me if anything happens.

I won't have her until next Friday to find out more. She called me yesterday but her mom was next to her, so she couldn't tell everything she wanted. I don't ask about WW and OM, but she tells me anyway.

Again, this is the first time they've met. I've been to that cottage and there are only two rooms there. One is occupied by the owners, the other one is where the guests sleep. There is a bunk bed in that room. I don't know if anything happened overnight.

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I recommend you do everyting possible to keep her out of his "life." They do NOT need to meet, they do not need to be involved in any way (except perhaps to know that he is the OM.)

The ONLY thing it is teaching her is that it is okay to have boyfriends while married.

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BigStar Offline OP
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What can I do apart from contacting an atty, which I am doing right now? Should I contact OM and WW?

Thanks guys for your replies. I am too stressed out to think strait.

BigStar

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Question:

Are there any really wonderful grandparents involved in your daughter's life?

I hope so .....

Enlist a beloved (by your DD) and trusted (by you) older person to be your extra pair of eyes.

A grandparent would be perfect, but an auntie would work as well.

Fill the trusted older advisor in about your concerns.

Have the advisor keep close friendly communications frequently with DD. Even daily brief "Hello, how are you doing?" calls. Have advisor build trust and confidence that "anything and everything" the child is worried about is OK to be shared and discussed with the advisor.

Your child needs a back up.

NOT that YOU aren't doing a great job, but sometimes a child needs a non-parental mentor, and this sure seems like one of those times.

Also .... if there is ever any questionable activity going on between OM and child, there is a trusted 3rd party to give witness to the goings-on. You need a back-up too!

Love,

Pep

<small>[ August 01, 2003, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

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BigStar Offline OP
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Pep,

Unfortunately, we are alone in this country. We are immigrants and all our family is abroad. That's what makes it so difficult. There is nobody else I could confine in.

I am still trying to contact a lawer through my company now. It's the last working day before the long week-end, so it's impossible to find anyone. It's really frustrating.

Thanks Pep for your concern.

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Then find someone. A social worker, a teacher, a clergy person .... there are other wonderful adults out there, you need a back up witness.

Use your creativity and come up with someone. I don't think you can or should do this with your backside exposed.

Pep

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BigStar,
I suggest you talk to your W about your concerns. No, I insist that you tell her your concerns and lay down some groundrules. Your D is 12. She should NEVER be alone with an older male (unless it is her father). I repeat- NEVER-not even for your W to run to the store to pick up whatever. WW may find this offensive and say "he'll never do something like that." Just remind her that the possibilty is always there and isn't it better to be safe than sorry. Why take any chances on something like that. We're talking about a young girls life. Sexual abuse is real and scars for life. Keep reminding W about concerns. Keep talking to your D. Ask your D if she's ever alone with OM? Ask what they talk about? In this kind of situation prevention is key. If there is nothing to prevent- well no harm done and your daughter will know how much you love her.

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BigStar Offline OP
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Thank you very much Pep,

I got the phone numbers of the social service office and will call them after the long week-end. Talking to a social worker will probably be my best bet in my situation. They may recommend a child psychologist as well.

Cutter,

I know about all these threats and of course they concern me very much. However, they (OM and D)have not seen each other before. OM lives at WW's apartment full time, not just visiting, but only when my D is with me.

This is the first time they've been together in the same room. I hoped, they won't do such thing. OM told me before that he doesn't want to meet D until everything is "sorted out". I know that it's WW's push for this to happen. OM doesn't really want it.

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Big Star,

Find an attorney NOW! It is not an LB to protect your daughter. Talk to your attorney ASAp and find out the laws in your state.

In Virginia, it is against the law for the WS to take children anywhere near her boyfriend(s). It is a SIGNIFICANT factor in a custody hearing. Even after divorce, Exs are not allowed to live with new boyfriends/girlfriends with kids around. Not until a new relationship is established (fiancee...definitely once married).

My wife actually brought the Om around my kids on several occasions while I was deployed to Bosnia. But I did not know anything about this, nor the affair. After I found out, I told her that if those kids stepped one foot near the OM, then she would find her butt in court with me seeking full custody (they were already living with me), and she would ONLY get supervised visitation I told her that it was not appropriate to have OM around her. I told her about what the daughter was learning, as others stated above I told her that I would do everything possible to help my daughter learn that what my wife was doing was not right, and the the relationship she had with Om was not moral. That my daughter shouldnt be forced into accepting what is wrong.

See an attorney NOW. Tell your wife once you see him/her, and tell her that while you will continue to seek reconciliation with her, you WILL NOT allow her to damage your daughter any further. That her inappropriate behavior will not be put out in front of your daughter to be accepted, like some alternate lifestyle.

Stand your ground man! Your daughter is counting on YOU. And believe it or not, standing up to your wife and protecting her daughter will actually put some respect for you inside her (although she wont show it...she will be VERY angry!).

Do not agree to anything about daughter being around OM. If you allow it, then you have no grounds. Tell her you forbid it, and that if she decides to go camping together, or whatever else together, then you will seek a legal remedy. Make sure someone is there to hear you say this, so you can verify that you didnt allow her to do this, when you go to court.

You probably want to not Lb her because you want to save your marriage. But this abuse of your daughter (and it is ABUSE!) cannot be allowed. Your wife has gone temporarily insane in the fog. YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER!

In His arms.

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BigStar Offline OP
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Thanks, mortarman.

Here is the update.

I did speak to an athorney. Briefly though, we will have to meet for a consultation. I will learn there what my options are in protecting my D.

Meanwhile I wrote them an e-mail. Here it is:

"OM and WW,

I am sending this e-mail advising you not to bring D into your affair.

OM, while you may have chosen to have an affair with a married woman, it is your choice and you have to deal with morals of it on your own. My daughter never did anything wrong to be involved in this. She must not suffer. She may not be telling you how she feels, but she is hurt immensely by it. Believe me.

WW, it is not appropriate to have your affair partner in the same surroundings with your daughter. It teaches her that is normal to have a lover while being married. This is against all morals. It will affect her in life. Knowing you, I did not expect this to happen.

I cannot do much to end your affair, but I will do anything possible to protect my daughter from it. You are forcing her to accept what is wrong. This cannot be justified with anything. A mother who puts her lover's interests before her child's cannot be called one.

Please refrain blaming me for everything as we both have played equal roles for our relationship to reach a dead end.

I will repeat again that I am ready to talk to you only when the affair ends, one of us is filing for divorce or anything concerning D.

Your attempts to contact me brings a lot of pain, so please no talks about your relationship with OM being too fresh or the car needing repairs, etc... It's really hard for me to be supportive in this situation.

WW's friend and spiritual advisor,

You have been in this kind of situations in the past, just like I am now. Why do you provide ground for this to continue? I am just curious. You must know that this is immoral and very hurtful for the betrayed.

BigStar."

I still think that they will go camping, as WW was very determined on the phone. We had a brief conversation, but I didn't allow her to develop it and hang up.

Can't wait to find out what my rights are. The appointment is tentatively scheduled for next Monday.

This is so hard.

BigStar.


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