A little history.

Mid March - Wife left and confessed. I get "it's over", "to much time has past" things can't change" etc.

Mid March to End of May: I Plan A when I can. No real change in wifes attitude. still very unemotional towards me and not talking to our close friends.

End of May to Mid July: End of May my WW is told by OM that the affair is over. WW goes no-contact on me as she needs time and space. She's angry at everyone including me.

Mid July 6 weeks of her no-contact: I email wife about picking up mail that I say I will leave in the mail box as I did last time. WW picks up the mail and surprise she knocks on the door to see how I'am. We have a great 10 min conversation.

This weekend 2 weeks after she breaks no contact: I email wife about picking up more mail and again say I will leave it in the mail box. I ask if she is still seeing OM and where I stand in her life.

Now she doesn't tell me what her relationship is with OM but does say she's not sure about the future and if she can make me happy. Now this is somewhat differant from "it's over", "nothing can change" etc. I then get another email from my wife asking if I would like to have a drink with her after work and she tells me she is going to contact a close friend of ours that she hasn't talked to since she left me. I of course go and we have a nice but not great time. We talk about what's happened over the past 8 weeks. COULD SHE NOW BE IN THE CONFLICT STAGE MOVING A LITTLE IN MY DIRECTION AND REACHING OUT TO OUR FRIENDS TO TEST THE WATERS OF HER REACCEPTANCE, RATHER THAN THE WITHDRAWL STAGE WHEN SHE LEFT FOR OM?

Now remember my wife hasn't told me if she's still seeing OM so I'm still unsure about the affair relationship but I don't ask the question again. Then out of the blue the OM wife calls me to see how I'm doing. OM wife tells me that the affair is in fact over and that for the past few weeks her husband (the OM) has been calling her, he's not happy, he's alone, no friends, wants his life back and marriage. She didn't believe him at first but his calls have been getting more frequent and stronger in his wanting to re-build there marriage. NOW WHY WOULDN"T MY WIFE TELL ME THAT THE OM ISN"T IN HER LIFE ANYMORE?

SO WHAT DO I DO NEXT?

I'm thinking of reaching out slowly maybe once a week but keeping my distance as not to appear as though I'm chasing her. I will of course Plan A when I can.

Thanks for the help

If you had to write a list of your wife's needs, what would that list look like?

Does she have a need for drama and frequent change of scenery? Adventure?

Does she have a need for security and a sense of belonging? Loyalty?

See what I'm asking.

What is she getting out of her situation? We are all where we're supposed to be , otherwise we'd be somewhere else.

Can you imagine what your life would be like if you let her go? What good and what bad would come of it?

Now, use your imagination to try and see it from her perspective. What would losing YOU 100% mean to her? What benifit does she gain from occasional meetings with you?

Is what you're currently doing getting you stronger or draining your strength?

Just food for thought.

Your life is available for changes of your choosing. You don't have to stay in a reactionary position, unless you want to. She does ___, and so, you react by doing ___.

Have you ever done ___, and have her follow up by reacting to a change in you?

Pep

<small>[ August 03, 2003, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Her asking you out once does not necessarily mean that a breakthru has developed. Now if she asks you out a couple of more times, then that would indicate she is 'testing the waters', but until that happens, try not to read too much into it.

I'm not going to read much into this as your right there is no pattern. I will continue to give her space and Plan A when I can.

I've learned that it's best to stay as emotionaly balanced as possiable. Leaning in one direction or another only leaves you me unbalanced. Baby steps.

I do have a good handle on what her needs are and i know that very few if any are truly being met right now. WW is essentialy alone other than a few family members (some have a problem with her affair) and friends she's met after the split.

Her affair partner was a married family friend and as such our cirlce of friends have pulled back from my wife. The few that don't know about her affair yet will also pull away when they find out. I've seen this first hand with another couple close to our group of friends.

Right now my WW is in a new and differant world filled with shame, guilt, self doubt and confussion not to mention a big increase in her financial expenses.

For your W, reality has certainly proven to be a b***h.

If she asks you out again, try being a little hard to get. Sure it is manipulative but it will convey to her the very real possibility that you MAY be starting to move on. The more reality she is faced with, the more difficult it will be for her to maintain her foggy mindset.

gg:

You didn't swing by the flower shop like I suggested, did you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...okay, reality. You really don't have 2 do anything I suggest, it's your life. And no, you're not doing anything wrong, either.

I don't think you need 2 play so much hard 2 get as 2mcm suggests, as you need 2 just be emotionally strong around her. Be you, but be a healthy you. Then, give her the space, the vacuum, the 50 bar CO2 atmosphere... ...whatever she thinks she needs, for however long she thinks she needs it (and however long you think you can wait)... ...and keep checking in whenever your remote plan A and your W will allow you. Be loving, not vindictive. Don't label her, don't lovebust her. None of that crap...

And wait. Good stuff comes 2 those that do, you know?

All my best,
-2long.
P.S. But bringing her flowers the next time you get an invite for drinks might still be worth a try, you know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2long,

No I didn't go for the flowers. It would be to much preasure at this point for her. I was able to slip into the conversation some of the things I'm doing now to improve myself. Things I know she would like.

WW isn't to reseptive to the idea that we have a future right now. I think she may still be withdrawing from the OM and may also be a little confused, scared and untrusting of the world around her.

If it's true the WW or spouse re-writes much of the recent past regarding the marriage to justify there actions then I also think my WW my be trying to figure out what the reality of our marraige was and my actual feelings for her were.

Only time will tell which is Ok because I also feel a little confused and scared at times. Some times wanting the marriage and others thinking I would be better of in a new relationship. After all my wife also needs to make changes for our relationship to work and become stronger.

gg

What you say is all true. But being the one that has the forum and the books at your disposal, it is YOU that has 2 set the example by living it.

Your W may come around, but that is her responsibility. But when you're around her, it's important that you are the ROCK that she needs, but doesn't know she needs.

Take care,
-2long

2long,

Thanks for your last comment. I'm trying to do just that.

My strategy is a combination of being her husband and the man wanting to date her. The best of the old/new me.

Maybe in time she will see an oppertunity for us. If not I will not leave my marriage without a fight. I will not have any regrets.