I have a problem. My H. works with a guy that I have met on about 4 occasions. I admitted to my H. last Sunday that I am very attracted to this friend. That I find him physically attractive and attracted to his personality. I only admitted it because my H. is very big on openness and honesty and communication. So, I was completely honest with him about everything I thought of his friend. He went to work the next day and told this friend, we'll call him "Jimmy", what I had said. Which was fine with me because I felt that "Jimmy" should know, but I wanted to tell him. Anyhow, "Jimmy" admitted to my H. that he thinks that way of me, too. So, here's the problem. Me and "Jimmy" both find each other attractive, but "Jimmy" will not act on it because he has respect for my marriage. Now, I do not have a great marriage. We have been on the rocks for about 2 years now and continously threaten divorce...we've just never really done it. "Jimmy" told my H. that while we were still married, or even seperated, he would not try anything because of his respect. But if we were divorced, that would be a different story. I think about "Jimmy" more than I do my own H.!! I mean ALL THE TIME!!! Knowing that we are on the verge of divorce and knowing that "Jimmy" likes me, too...should I go ahead and consider going through with the divorce? I told my H. that I have more guilt than I know what to do with and even though I have never done anything with "Jimmy" but talk to him when my H. is around, I still feel that because of my feelings for "J" that I am cheating on my H. In the emotional sense. And my H. has forgiven me for this even though the thoughts continue. WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?!? I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this, because God only knows what they would think of me!!! I hope that there is someone here that can tell me what I should do!! Hope to hear from someone soon----before it is too late!!

No wonder you have such a bad marriage. Why in the world would you tell your H that you had an attraction for another man? What possible purpose could that serve except to hurt him? That makes no sense. Of course you shouldn't contact Jimmy. You are a married woman, not a cat in heat.

You should get into marriage counseling to find out why you do things to destroy the love in your marriage. And learn how to do positive things in your marriage.

Having infatuations with cute boys that you don't know and having others tell him that you "like" him is high school crap. You are a grown woman now. Time to start acting like it.

I'm speaking from experience here - decide what you want to do about your marriage before you even think about being with someone else! It seems like you know that having an A is not a good idea, or else you wouldn't be coming to the MB for advice. I almost lost my M because I was stupid and selfish enough to act on my attraction to someone else. Realizing I wanted to stay in my M AFTER such a mistake made it a lot harder to solve our problems than if we had gone for help BEFORE such a sad and sorry mistake. It's human to be attracted to someone, but sometimes we forget that we have the God given ability to control ourselves! As long as you and your H are still together, there is hope for your M. Marriage Counseling is an excellent idea. The sooner, the better. I hope all goes well for you!

You are right for feeling guilty. The longer you go on thinking of Jimmy, the more your marriage will suffer. Just think of all of the thoughts and maybe even effort you have given to Jimmy instead of your marriage. If you could focus that on the M instead of Jimmy you may be able to do something with that.

It wasn't a good thing that you found out Jimmy feels the same for you. It only reinforces your feelings towards him. And you should definitely NOT base your D on someone you haven't the slightest clue about how you would be with.

Your H can get your love back if he meets your EN's and if you let him. And if you let Jimmy go.

Best of luck!

csm698...

congratulations on telling your husband before doing anything to act on your feelings... if you think you feel guilty now -- believe me, that's nothing compared to the guilt you will feel if you act on the things you've been thinking...

jimmy sounds like a nice guy... as my husband would say, he's not running away... i'm sure if the two of you are meant to be together, then you will be...

in the meantime, take the time to see if you can salvage your marriage... what do you have to lose... don't shatter your self-respect, reputation and personal moral code...

oaktown...

csm698 please read again Rose55's wise words.

Have you considered that what you see in the OM may just be an illusion? Many married men and women who fell head over heels over an OP(other person) found out too late that the OP was not the person who they thought s/he was, and their BS(betrayed spouses) divorced them and moved on with their lives. One of these people is HopefulPerson whose BH(betrayed husband) divorced her after he found out she was having an A(affair). Please don't let what happen to her happen to you.

I have a problem
Oh my friend you sure do.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Your problem is that neither you nor your husband have an inkling about how serious marriage is...

neither one...and i suggest the time is at hand for you to decide here and now...once and for all that marriage and vows hold great meaning...
that the words to love to honor and to cherish are not just words...but are verbs...and verbs are actions ...

and YOUR responsibility in these action verbs is to act out your love
act out your honor
and act out your cherishing...

and it appears in my opinion you haven't quite grasped the SACREDNESS of marriage...let alone acted out your vows....

So all this other garbage you are dragging around is irrelevant at this time and juncture and are really just smoke screens and dramatic side shows to take attention away from the real issues at hand...

The real issue at hand is do you believe in marriage...
and if so stop the other stuff and begin to live as thus...

I only admitted it because my H. is very big on openness and honesty and communication

Well I'm gonna challenge that statement...marriages that are rocky with chaos for two years...with the divorce word thrown around like a beach ball...really can't and don't value those things..openess honesty and communication...
for if he or you did you would be divorced by now...since one is "honestly communicating divorce'....

You need to stop all the chaos you allow, participate in and create in your marriage....

You need to look at yourself and realize that you have no real idea or clue about what a truly committed relationship is all about...and thinking about any other guy is just good avoidance material at looking at you...

To even talk of deep attraction to someone you've met four times as if they are some long lost soul mate....please....

marriage is work...
marriage is looking at patterns and behaviors that are toxic to a marriage...(you have two years worth....) and changing your role in these behaviors to stop doing the same toxic thing over and over...and really begin to be a team together....

Why two years on the rock...THAT is your problem...not old jimmy or johnny or Mikey or billy or brad...out there...it is YOU and YOUR actions in your marriage....that is where the problem is...

both you and hubby need to decide...

John Mellancamp..wrote and sang
This is Serious Business...sex and violence and rock and roll...

But I tell you with all seriousness...that none of those hold a candle to the serious business of marriage....

think this post is tough....I'm sorry...but it is your wake up call....
too many people are here ...just a few more miles down the point in the road in which you stand...and their pain is heartbreaking....

turn this ALL back on you...
let go of your little divergent tactics...and look at why for two years your marriage has been bad...and FIX it....

And please please don't be scared off by this post...
tell us about the two years...of bad marriage...that's what has to be addressed...

ARK...who thinks her knicker are now officially in a bind...

Well the communication in your relationship is a good thing and now that you've recognized the potential problem you need to take steps to stop it from growing into a greater problem.

Maybe this is the wake up call your marriage needed.

The first step you need to take is obviously talking to your husband about what you both can do to improve your marriage.

You also need to eliminate this Jimmy from both of your lives. Specificaly yours. No more visits, converstations or discussion about him. He needs to disapear from both your lives.

best of luck.

An affair is an ESCAPE from marriage. Instead of working on those issues in your marriage, you are focusing all of your attention on the OP the fantasy of what being with the OP would be like! It's an escape from having to do the hard work of getting your life/marriage in order. Deal with your issues in your marriage first. Don't take the easy way out like a lot of people do and then end up regretting.

I have experienced, from your husband's perspective, the very thing that you talk about.

I also have a rocky marriage and I've just begun to realize many many things.

I finally bought the book His Needs / Her Needs and it's helping me understand things from many different points of view that I hadn't thought of before. The website does repeat the writings in the book, but there is so much more there to learn about.

I am also attending individual counseling to help me learn to deal with my problems. I have just begun counseling and in some ways the book has helpmed me more than the counseling has so far, as well as posting on these boards and corresponding with others that post here.

I would suggest starting with the book and possibly counseling.

Goodguy007,
It seems as if you were the only one who made any sense. Instead of talking to me like I am some two-bit whore, you tried to see where I am coming from. Personally, I think "I am human." Just because I am married doesn't mean that I am dead. I am hurting noone by looking at "Jimmy", I have not acted on my thoughts, nor do I intend to. Now, I have been trying to think of ways to try to extract him from my life, but it is difficult when he works with my H. My H. can't remove him from his life when he has to work with him on a daily basis. But I can, somehow or another. I am trying. I never said that I do not want my marriage to work. In fact, it is because of me that it HASN'T ended yet in the past 2 yrs. I do want my marriage to work, but neither of us really know why anymore. I mean, I love my H., but I do not think that I am "in love" with him. In fact, I don't know if I can remember WHY I fell in love with him 6 years ago. THAT is the difficult part of the marriage. I KNOW that at one time, I WAS "in love" with him, but I am not so sure now. And that has nothing to do with this other little situation. That has to do with the things that have been happening over time. People fall out of love, and maybe that is what has happened to us. Or at least me, anyway. I am sure there is a way to get all that back, but I don't know how, and I don't know if I can. There is no lack of trust or respect from him towards me on this. I think it is a lack of time and understanding. We used to have those, and now all that has gone away. How do you get something like time and understanding back? How do I remember why I fell in love with him, and how do I remind myself that he is a terrific man and not lose what I know deep down that I have?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Instead of talking to me like I am some two-bit whore</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If that is your view of the many good folks that were trying to help you out with their wise words of advice, then I feel sorry for you.

OK I will try this again...

csm know that no one believes anything as you have stated...sorry you felt so attacked...

Try reading the responses again...lots of good advice in them...

the truth is csm...all your posts send up huge red flags that put your marriage in jeopardy...

easily spotted by those that have stood on your side of the fence...on the other side...or somewhere in the middle...with a big fence post in their behind... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Here are some warning flags as I see them...try not to get defensive...and lets see if we can't hash them out...

1. You say you have met a husbands co-worker four times...now I am ASSuming that was with your husband present...and now have some deep rooted emotional attachment to him...that is consuming and taking energy and thought away from your husband and marriage...correct me if I am wrong...IF you are saying you have met with him alone four times...then that's a whole other ballgame....so if you clarify exactly how much contact you have had with co-worker..and how much on a personal social basis..that would help...

that's a huge warning flag on many levels...to be that attached over four encounters....

Just because I am married doesn't mean that I am dead
There is a huge leap from admiring someone both physically and personality wise to
I think about "Jimmy" more than I do my own H.!! I mean ALL THE TIME!!!

Do you see that or not?
God knows the i think the UPS guy is a hottie in his shorts...but I don't spend all my time thinking about him...appreciating other people's look and such is not the same as thinking of them all time more than a spouse...huge red flag...do you see it??

There is no lack of trust or respect from him towards me on this.

This is a really big flag...you go to your husband to discuss some feelings you have for another man...and he TELLS the other man of your feelings...
this is not normal response in a loving committed relationship...
this is game playing...
What exactly was your husband expecting to accomplish in involving this third party in too serious relationsip issues between the two of you...

This is NOT the action of someone who seriously understands the importance of intimacy and team work...and if you don't see that or don't believe that...then part of this flag is that neither of you understand the grave importance of marriage...

You don't toy with or involve others in these issues..ESPECIALLY when they are so much a part of it...

This poor guy...what is he to DO with the information..
what is he to gain??
why did he tell him...did you ask your husband that...
and what kind of man tells another man that he would try something with his wife if you weren't married....
do you see the strangeness and perhaps immaturity of this

And the disrespect to all involved...
If you really don't see it as thus...lets talk about how you do see it...for perhaps you believe differently in marriage...and don't expect/desire exclusiveness...

People fall out of love,

people don't fall in to love nor do they fall out of love..

people fall in love because they spend time and energy building that love...when people quit spending that time and energy ...and neglect their vows..then marriages break down....
love is verb and action..
not feelings....
people do not fall out of love...falling out of love is direct consequances to actions of neglect...

Again CSM people do understand that you feel the way you do...but it is all about you...and your actions...and your husband and his actions....and nothing to do with any third party....

ARK

csm,
i must say, yours is one of the most entertaining posts that i've read in a while. my G-D you are actually funny. may i ask how old you are? anyway please consider the following.

no one is telling you that your senses die after marriage and that you are suppose to go through life never being attracted to any one eles again ever. it's just that most H & Ws are expected to exercise a little judement in the radical honesty that they practice...that is in how they handle the attraction and in how they discuss it with each other.

and by the way, if your marriage is "not so good" then what have you tried to do to remedy that problem...other then complain about it that is? look, if you have a problem then logic dictates that seek a solution...you just don't sit back and complain. and one last thing...about htis "i love you but i'm not in love with you thing." as an excuse for breaking things up, this is getting kind of tired.

loving some one is a choice that we make. it's something we do everyday in hundreds of different ways. this being in love thing that you talk about...its a 10 cent chemical reaction that men and woman get for each other all the time...with lasting time spans by the way, of about 15 minutes!

my point is, that i'm sure that jimmy is cute (and he sounds like a pretty decent guys as well) but until you learn to be mature about your relationships what makes you think jimmy is going to be the one anymore then your H is? what you really need to do is grow up a bit.

coach