This is my first post here, but I have been lurking for about 6 months now. I will try to be brief, but I have lots of stuff to cover.

My WH had an affair years ago, when we were newly married and I was pregnant. The OP was my best friend and coworker. I handled it poorly, it was a HUGE shock. I immediately told absolutely everyone I knew, both at my job and mine and his family. I kicked him out, he lived with male friends. Anyway, eventually she quit the job, my WH and I decided to really try by moving out of the country to his homeland. So we did that 4 years ago.

Now, here we are in his country. Marriage has been okay, not really happy, but definitely no fights. I took a job teaching English but I had a one and one half hour commute each way. Finally, after one year I had had enough. We decided that I could quit and take up to 8 months or something to find another job I liked or move back to the states.

Anyway, around this time, he tells me he wants a divorce. He still is in love with OW1 but knows he can't be with her. I am sad for quite some time, but after a year of hearing that, I eventually accept it. Okay, we will divorce.

We are friends, he helps me out with stuff, we do fun stuff together, he is a GREAT father to our daughter. (Basically he was a single dad while I was working every day-- I was away from 5 am until 8 pm every day for a year ).

So fast forward to October 2002. WH has met a woman online who is his "friend". Remember, we have already discussed and decided on divorce at some time in the future. Now all his time is spent online chatting with this friend. Then the phone calls start. When I start overhearing " I love you" on the calls, that he doesn't try to hide, I throw him out. He is surprised, says, you knew we were divorcing.

So, he moves out with his mom in December. Files for divorce. We are friendly.. I do not cry, lovebust, etc... just calm acceptance. He comes for daughter everyweekend and during the week for daytime visits and also whenever she wants him.
He asks me how I am, what I need, etc... friends.

This online "friend" OW2 is now his girlfriend. He goes to USA (she is also American) to visit her for 2 weeks. They are in love.

He pays for me and daughter to go to our hometown for 3 week visit. very nice.

Now OW2 comes here to Europe to stay with WH. MIL is furious, refuses to speak to OW2 or let them stay with her. So WH and OW2 must stay at FIL. He is not happy either. No one in family liked OW2, she is loud , obnoxious,etc... They all liked me.

So, we have filed divorce, I am calm, but he is not happy with OW2 anymore. Now he wants to come home to me. He started crying, saying he still loves me and wants a real marriage.

What can I think ? I have heard for almost 2 years that he wants a divorce and we can't be together. Now, he wants me, not OW2.

I told him, when he has NC with OW2, goes to MC, then we can talk about it.

My question, if you were able to get thru this, is, Is he for real ? Could he want a marriage after all this time of saying he wants a divorce ? Or is he just sick of the OW2 since they are now together and his whole family hates her ?

What should I do ? If anything ? If I thought he was for real and had changed and wanted a real marriage , I would be thrilled.

<small>[ August 06, 2003, 01:44 PM: Message edited by: Kina ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Kina:

I told him, when he has NC with OW2, goes to MC, then we can talk about it.

[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Kina,

I think what you said is very wise. I suspect that H wants to use you as his fall back rut, i.e., OW1 couldn't work out and he stayed w/you w/ the intention of getting a divorce, finds OW2 and its not going to work out so he wants to go back to you.

I think he needs to spend some time on his own too.

Do you still love him?

You will get good advice here but I think you already gave yourself great advice!

Thanks so much for the reply !! What you said is just what I am afraid of, that he is just using me as a back up. He does need time on his own. OW2 is going back to USA next week, so that is when NC is supposed to begin. I guess only time will tell. He tells me he is ready for her to go, just counting the days. We have not spoken of our relationship at all but we have an appointment for MC later this month. I am not sure how good it will be as it is provided by the government here.

I feel I have learned so much just lurking here and reading all this stuff. I wanted to post earlier about every little thing he has said and done, but I am afraid he may see it. I know he looks online for relationship advice all the time. He used to have me doing quizes and reading online articles when he still lived here.

And yes, I do still love him. It was a shock and a thrill when he told me he want to come home and since that time it's all I think of. Before he told me that, I was content to divorce and just be his friend and co-parents to our daughter. Like I said, he is a great father and I have come to respect him alot, if for that reason only.

I love him, but I don't want to go through this all again if he finds another OW. I guess I am just afraid. I told him he cannot move back home until we have talked it through. He is okay with that. Amazingly, he agreed to counseling. You have no idea what an enormous step that is for him!

Once again, thanks so much for your reply. It helps to hear some outside advice.

I agree. Your H (and mine too) is using you as a safty net.

wow its much easier to see in other people's relationship than your own.

So, do you think that means there is no real love here from him ? Or couldn't be ?

He has always treated me really well, except for the A's. The first one he told me about after 2 days because he felt so guilty. But that didn't stop him. He said he would quit but didn't for months. His behavior then was typical from what I have learned here.

This time, this affair has not upset me so much because I was primed beforehand about a divorce. It hurt to see him involved with someone and that is why I made him leave and file for divorce.

But, he continues to act caring towards me, even now. I think that, in the past, since OW1, I have never trusted him or what he said. I have been suspicious of everything and not enjoying all the good things we had together. Since he moved out, I miss all the things we did. I also stopped taking BC pills when he moved out and have found that I am WAY less emotional than before. I used to cry all the time. I have cried once since he left in December. I think I see clearer now, but am not sure if that is because there is no BC pills or because I dont' live with him.

Anyway, can being a safety net for him turn into a loving caring marriage for both of us ? If so, how ?

Thanks for your time.

bumping to see if I can get more responses...

Thanks

HI Kina,
Since you are asking again...

You said "If I thought he was for real and had changed and wanted a real marriage , I would be thrilled".

My question to you would be: What specifically caused him to change?

Real CHANGE, or just bored or frustrated dealing with OW2?

Real lifeCHANGE, or just making sure you're around cause he's comfortable with you and you make HIM feel secure?

What has specifically has actually CHANGED about him (not just saying the words 'I want a real marriage')? Is he more mature in handling his life otherwise? Did he spend the last year in counceling? Did he find God?

What specifically caused this DRAMATIC change?

The only way to know if he'd truly changed would be some real open and honest MC, with him doing most of the talking! And I mean like a years worth. THEN, you could be confident in his motives.

Otherwise, personally, I would not risk future pain by getting wrapped up in this man, again. Keep the relationship as nice as you can for your child, but I could not imagine getting back together just because he SAID he's changed. He seems immature by your posting, and a heart is too important to give to someone who's not capable of handling it. He doesnt seem capable. Just my opinion. - Dru

Dru -

Thanks so much for your response. Well, unfortunately, I think you are absolutely right. I never really thought about it like that. There is nothing that could have made him change except he is just fed up with OW2. He said we will go to counseling, but that remains to be seen. Also, as you noted, he should do most of the talking but I bet he won't.

Well, I am pretty discouraged now. I was just hoping for a miracle I guess. It still isn't quite clear to me how some other marriages seem worth saving but not this one.

I guess like So Hurt said, you can see clearly with other people's relationships. wow, now I feel down.. thanks everyone for your opinions. guess I'll just carry on like I have been..

Hi Kina,
See, this is why I dont answer these post. If people here arent down enough, I go and bum you out. Spank me <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

But hey, he did say he'd go to counceling. Make him back up those words. Just keep a safe distance till you are sure in your heart that he's a better man. Not just after a month or two, either!

And, if not, isnt it better to be a little bummed now, than to go through another hearbreak all over again, later? You'd be kicking yourself, and you know it. That's why you're asking this question. Give yourself some credit for being smart and taking care of yourself.

I dont know why some marriages are savable and some arent. I think it has to do with the maturity level of both partners. Some people take it (life/marriage) seriously, either from the start or once they get the wakeup call. Some just want to skate through life and wont expend any real effort. You deserve someone who will thinks you're worth the effort. Please take care - Dru

awww Dru..

Thanks again for your response. I wasn't down from what you said, just the reality of the situation I need to face. You, and the others who posted to me, just reinforced what MY family and friends have been saying to me. So it wasn't unexpected. I was just hoping for some different feedback from people who have had similar experiences.

Well, I have nothing to lose by taking it very slowly. We are getting along great now, better than when we lived together, so that is a nice relief. I am not in a desperate situation like some so I guess that is something to be thankful for.

Yeah, I'll just give it some time, see how the counseling goes. Meanwhile, I am working on myself and making some good changes which is always a postive, right ?

So, again.. thanks for your responses. And I think you should continue to respond to others even if you think they get bummed out. Sometimes the truth hurts....