I hope someone can help me. I still do not know for certain that my husband is cheating on me. But I have this feeling, and I hear they are usually right. I have a hard time catching him. Right now he is at a office get together, which I though was only for the males, but this women from the office is there. I checked. I don't know what to do, I feel so lost. I can't come out and accuse him he would just deny. I have tried to make him want to stay. But I think I am just making it so easy for him. and I feel like a fool.

Lorigirl, have you considered snooping to try to get proof of an A?

You're right, he'll probably deny it if you ask. It seems to be a common theme around here.

I think there are three ways an affair is revealed

1) The BS busts the WS with hard evidence and the WS has no way to weasel out with another lie, thus the A is exposed.

2) The BS asks, some insistantly/repeatedly, until the WS finally caves and admits to the A.

And lastly, #3) The WS comes clean to the BS all on thier own, for whatever reason (this is how my hubby did it)

Ok, then there's also someone else narking the WS out to the BS, but that doesn't seem to be very common here.

Anyways, depending on how you think he is contacting the OW, there are several ways to catch him.

If he has a cell phone, try just checking the history of dialed and received calls. Maybe check the address book. Also, checking the cellphone bill will indicate how long it has been going on if anything is to be found on the phone.

There are also computer monitor programs that you can get that will monitor all activity on the computer (files opened, email, websites visited, passwords, keystrokes-- anything typed is recorded-- both incoming and outgoing instant messages, screen shots, etc.). There are two main programs -- Iopus & Spectrum. Both are good programs, but can be a touch costly.

If you choose to use either of these, be aware that if you DO find emails or chats, there is the possibilty of seeing some very hurtful stuff in there.

Also, there's the voice activated recorder. It's just one of those little handheld voice recorders that take the little answering machine-like tapes. As soon as it detects a sound, it will activate and start recording. Tape it, or just set it under the seat (make sure the mic is in a good position, so that you can get a better recording). You can pick them up just about anywhere these days for $20-70.

Then I also read something that's a good idea, but will not provide any hard evidence -- you can put a piece of scotch, transparent tape on the passenger side car door. If he doesn't typically have people in his car with him during work hours and this tape isn't kept in tact, then you may have reason to be suspicious.

I also read about women getting a cheap rental car (like $30 a day) and following their spouse around. Some mentioned getting a wig too lol. A little extreme, but if you feel the need, then I suppose it's justifable.

I found all of these ideas on SurvivingInfidelity.com under "Investigative Tips". The only one I have implemented was the scotch tape one lol. I put it on yesterday and it's not broken, so I guess that's a good sign lol. Oh, actually, I did put a computer monitoring program on the comp (Iopus) as well.

Everything has been clean. I think he's done with his A like he told me he was. I'm just doing a few things for my own feeling of security and safty.

Anyways, I hope nothing is happening, but if it is, please stick around here. This website's been an enormous help to me. I felt (and still feel quite often) quite out of control of this whole situation. This website has provided me with a great amount of inspiration...if only it would do the same for my WH.

Good luck to you! Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme

Are you even remote friends with one of his coworkers? A sympathetic person who would want you to know the truth? Offer to take them out to lunch. Let them know you suspect something and would like the truth (they would if they were in that position). Find a married person, they may be more sympathetic.

Or perhaps get a friend or relative to tail him.

Or hire a PI?

My H started his wandering from the computer so he left a trail...funny thing, he is a computer geek by trade and knew how to cover his tracks...he was either careless, or wanted me to find out. We now have a simple programs that keep track of the keystrokes, and one that keeps up with sites visited...Family Keylogger, it's free, but if you want the hidden version there's a $30 registration fee (not bad considering). But probably not worth it if the computer is not what he uses.

There's caller ID, and saved numbers on the cell. The old standby, check his pockets and wallet and where he hides things (drawers, jars).
You can check his car for anything out of the ordinary (clothes, jewelery, letters, etc.)

Good luck

Lot of people advise PIs, computer monitoring, etc. But this turns you into a snoop, and that is something that it is unpleasant to be. For MYSELF.

So how about confrontation: "Honey, I don't know what's going on, but I feel uncomfortable about your relationship with X. Something about this feels inappropriate to me. I can't 'prove' anything, but then, I don't want to be in a position where I am trying to prove anything. I'd rather talk to you about it."

When I did this to my H, he cut off the A with OW and D-Day resulted within 72 hours. Relapse occurred some weeks later, and eventually I asked him to leave. Not a happy ending, admittedly, but the point is, my comments to him were a wake-up call that the A would not be a freebie. It began to make him feel uncomfortable in the A.