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Hello to all of you.
I am the WS. I have some questions that I would like answered, if that is possable.
I have had a very big problem with Porn and the H.
One of many reasons I found myself not being happy in my marriage.
We have discussed getting back together but there has been no real movement on either side.
I went to visit H and my boys and in his bedroom were about 05 pictures of Woman half dressed or not dressed at all.
We discussed it and he does ot see a problem with it.
I am in no place to tell him what he can and cannot look at.
I feel like it is wrong for the boys to see them and it was disrespectful for him to put them up after we talked about getting back together and he knew how I felt about it.
I have gone to see them twice since that time and they are still up there.
I have been feeling like he is keeping secrets from me so I went in and checked his email.
He has a profile on line that its sexually graphic, and he was coorisponding with a woman online.
He has friends on Marraige builders that I have talked with, who have emailed him about our conversations.
I was wondering if any of you knew of any other websites like this one.
I would feel more comfrotable posting elsewhere.
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Joined: Mar 2003
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Is it possible for you to change your name (to protect the innocent?) on MB?
Appears as though you are both in blame mode a bit...I am doing this or have done the things I have done because of the other person...
True, the M may have been the right atmosphere for an A (and sounds like it still is) but you can only change yourself.
What changes have you made?
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Joined: Dec 2001
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I am not in blame mode right now.
I am actually at peace with myself. I know what I want in my life both personal and professional.
I love my children and myslef. I have taken Divorce Recovery classes at my local church, through wich I have learned so much about myself and my poor judgement & choices.
I blame us both for our marraige and for what we have put our children through.
I have asked God and my children to forgive me.
I have no reason to protect my Character.
I am, who I am. I may not have done things right on this road I travel but I sure can tell you I it has made me a better mother and woman.
I hide behind no masks or mirrors.
There is and has never been a smoke screen when it comes to myself and my life.
I grew up in the most disfunctional family you can imagine. I never had the right tools when it came to being a mother or a wife.
I am 34 and ready to move on with my life be it in ither direction. I know what I can live with and what I as a woman do not have to live with.
I have chosen to try and stay off MB for H's sake.
This is his domain and I do not care to take it from him.
This is definatly a place for heeling for all who come here.
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Joined: Jul 2001
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lucidity...
I hear you loud and clear... but PLEASE check out the newlife website... the resources are AWESOME and just what you need! Call them or get the books.
Cali
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Joined: Feb 2002
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lucidity: I participate in one other forum besides this one: www.iloveulove.com. Though it was founded 2 help people understand how 2 get and give unconditional love, there is a LOT more there (thanks 2 Spacecase, who posts here as well). There's even links 2 the Harley's materials there. There's a lot of useful articles about forgiveness, spiri2ality, philosophy, relationships (especially marriage). And there is a discusion forum, though it's membership is far smaller than MB's! We talk less about affairs and how to survive them and more about emotional and spiri2al learning and healing in general. I hope you'll come over and check it out sometime! ♥2long P.S. H2Y. Geez, jettison the porn, man! Is it worth making lucidity uncomfortable?
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Lucidity,
It's good to hear from you.
I was asking about you two a few days ago.
From what you write, I think you're on the right track.
Just because you made mistakes doesn't give your H a free ride. You still have a "right" to tell him what you need from him - and to set some boundaries. There is nothing unreasonable about you asking him to ditch the porn. I think something broke in him and he gave up. Now, perhaps, he is forgetting who he really wanted to be and just letting things go. Patience, gentleness and understanding will go a long way. Look for the good in him and remember to praise him for those good things. Thank him for waiting for you and wanting you back - even if now he is unsure if he does. Continue to show your humility and brokeness. This honest approach allows him to step up and be the husband and father he always wanted to be.
I understood that there is an OC. Is the OC with you? Do you still have contact with the father? Is that an issue for your H?
May God bless you and your family.
-AD
<small>[ August 08, 2003, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>
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I would never ever ever let my boys/sons be exposed to pictures taped to a grown mans wall with an inkling that would normal... not in a million years.... never ever ever ever ever.... would I want my children to learn this is what ever you want too label it..."normal" "acceptable" etc...from their own FATHER seeing no problem with it.... I wouldn't even negoiate...no naked pictures of women on the wall...deal breaker as far as I am concerned... sorry but I would protect myself and my children... from a man that doesn't see that as wrong...in regards to children and what that teaches them... stuff like that in a drawer where children aren't exposed is one thing.... on the wall no way... none and if that response is non marriage building fodder so be it...there is nothing postive to marriage building in taping naked pictures to the wall of a grown mans bedroom....and seeing nothing wrong with it... AND even if by some saving grace we are talking tastefull artwork...STILL see no reason to expose children too it at a young age... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> and per your post..this is not a isolated issue with porn.... I'd tell him to hang whatever he wants in his room...but me and my children will never ever ever be at his place...EVER!!!!!!!!1 ARK
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While it's true that you can't make selfish demands, no matter how noble they are, you can set personal boundaries in which you will not tolerate being an enabler of such behavior. Calmly and respectfully tell your H that as much as you love him and want to come back to him, that having pornographic images of women on the wall of his bedroom makes coming back to him impossible for you.
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all right toomuchcoffeeman... that's what I meant too say... you said it way nicer than me minus all my drama <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ark
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^: <strong>I'd tell him to hang whatever he wants in his room...but me and my children will never ever ever be at his place...EVER!!!!!!!!1 ARK</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ark^^, I'm not sure if you remember, although you posted to lucididy before. Please forgive me if I'm off track. To clarify the situation... Lucidity left her H and children a couple of years ago to live with another man. The boys have always lived with their father. Now she wants to come back home. From what she has posted here in the past, I believe that she is quite sincere in wanting to restore her marriage. I think her H (who used to post here under the name "Husband2You") gave up just about the time she wanted to come home. I suspect that in the event of a D, her H would get custody of the boys. Perhaps that makes my advice to Lucidity more understandable. I have no tolerance for porn myself. I myself missed lucidity's post on this thread. I'm glad lucidity has come here to tell her side of the story. I'm ready to listen. We aren't a "court", but I'd still like to hear her side. I don't know if that helps her marriage. I think I once advised lucidity to work things out with her H offline. But if she feels a need for a fair hearing, I'll be looking for her posts. -AD <small>[ August 08, 2003, 01:57 PM: Message edited by: AD. ]</small>
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I totally agree with what toomuchcoffeeman said and how he stated it...
That is a boundary I would not bend as it pertains to children....
On one hand it is nothing more than a childish power struggle over stupid pictures...
but exposing the children to that power struggle is not the actions of two adults serious about renconciling...in my opinion...
It is action and change that create reconcilliation...not power struggles over what is hanging on the wall...
I would hope that both lucidity and husband2you can see the bigger picture in relationship to the children...
be wary that children do learn by our actions....and our examples...
AD I appreciate your input...it is treacherous waters they are navigating for sure....
ark
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Everyone please be careful before you start attacking H2Y, or anyone, for that matter. Help lucidity with her questions. But don't jump to conclusions or make assumptions. lucidity, did you say that you found proof - evidence - is there continued porn? Did you ask H about it? Or was your reference to porn about the PAST? And were the posters in his room completely nude? I agree with StillHereMakingIt's first post above. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Appears as though you are both in blame mode a bit...I am doing this or have done the things I have done because of the other person... True, the M may have been the right atmosphere for an A (and sounds like it still is) but you can only change yourself. What changes have you made? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And have you checked out the Harley's materials available on the MB website here? There's professional books, questionnaires, tapes, and counseling available, that's in addition to the discussion forums here. I hope you find what you're looking for.
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Okay,
I don't think any of you understand.
I have no rights to my children.
I see them when he says.
I talk to them when he says.
Everything I do with my children depends on what he allows me to have access to.
I have never enabled H.
Listen, I do not want to upset his happy home.
I just had a simple question and was asking for some advice.
This is why I think it is not a good idea that I post on here. I really do not want to change your perception of H2Y.
He really is a good person.
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You are wrong lucidity for you DO have rights and they include the right to chose who you want to live with and the right to chose to live where you want. Do YOU want to live with a man whose bedroom wall is plastered with nude pictures of women? Do YOU want to live in a home where the man's bedroom wall is plastered with nude pictures of women? You, as well as all of us (including your H), have the right to set personal boundaries that are non negotiable.
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Lucidity,
I just took an hour or so to re-read some of your H's posts and some of yours.
I don't know what to say except : Keep trying.
I understand that you fear that the only way to get access to your children is to get the courts involved. That might be true. On the other hand, your H has written in the past that he just didn't want to drive to Dallas to take the boys to you. Please correct me if I'm wrong. I don't have a clear view of what happened, but wasn't it you who moved? I think it's fair that you should do some of the driving.
Maybe there's more to it than that. By now, he probably feels like they're "his" boys more than they're "your" boys. After all, he has been there with them the entire 4 years. Try to see it from his point of view.
As far as the porn goes, I agree with your distast for it, and I think your other findings are also disturbing. I don't know what you can do about it but to tell him that you are hurt by it - and that you are concerned about it's effects on the boys.
Send your H back over to us to explain himself!
I don't think he'll find a lot of friends here to support him in his porn habits, nor will his church friends.
May God bless you and your family.
-AD
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No judgments here...
...but DID YOU CHECK out the resources?...
Hugs to both,
Cali
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