Today I went to my H's house to pick up my son. We had words, rather a yelling match. I left upset, he was mad, and it just wasn't good. I dropped my son off at my house and went back to my husband's house. Boy, I tell you, I am no good at this Plan A thing. Either we yell and fight or I am begging and pleading with him. Anyway, I went back and he was sitting in the kitchen chair and I knelt in front of him and wrapped my arms around his waist, and laid my head on his chest and cried. I told him that I loved him so much and that I can't believe he is throwing me away for someone else. After everything that we've been through, I just can't believe that he doesn't want me. He laid his head on top of mine, ran his fingers through my hair, and cried too. He says he does want me. He says he does love me. And he says there is hope for us....someday. He still won't leave the OW yet. He told me how terribly hurt he was that I left him, and that no matter how miserable we were before I left, he wouldn't have left me and he wouldn't have gotten to the point he has with the OW. But now he does have feelings for her...be it love or something else, he does care for her. And I am so afraid that the love he feels for me is fading fast with her around all the time.

The thing that kills me, that eats away at me, that is destroying me, is that he won't let her go for me. If he loves me so much, then why can't he end it?? If I mean the world to him, why doesn't he want to be with me??? He keeps telling me that he thought we'd be married for 60 years. He said that from the day he asked me to marry him.

Now here is the truth about my marriage. I have always been the financial provider for the family. I am the career woman. I worked our entire marriage, where he's jumped from job to job, and sometimes for long periods didn't work at all. It didn't bother me too much, I mean we could have had more, but I really didn't care because I love my H. He really wasn't all that good about keeping up the house, but he did cook for me and at least keep things half way decent while he didn't work. This is not his first affair. We were married 2 years when he had a 6 month affair. And the contact continued for another 2 years even after she moved out of state. I think, but don't have proof that he has been with others, but of course he denies it. He has always been controlling, and verbally abusive, but like I've said before, that really goes both ways...I gave it back just as much as he did.

So, I ask myself....why is it that I want him back? Why do I want to put myself back into a marriage where I will have no respect and no support financially? Bottom line...I love him. He can be the sweetest man in the world. The way he looks at me sometimes, the way he holds me while I'm sleeping. He tells me that he would just lay in bed with me sometimes and watch me sleep and play with my hair. The way he can make me smile even when I don't want to. I miss all those things. And now someone else is there to receive the things that should belong to me and only to me.

I don't know how much more my heart can take of this. One minute I hate him for doing this to us, and the next I love him with every fiber of my being. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to live without him in my life. And today he told me there is hope for us.

This is so unfair! The rational part of me is telling me to move on...to find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But my heart won't let go. My heart just won't let go.

<small>[ August 07, 2003, 08:17 PM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>

He doesn't know what he wants (fog!).

Men and their "affairs" are really stupid. Sorry I can't elaborate tonight. Having a rough time myself. Just didn't want you to think no one was paying attention.

Hang in there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Imagine a M where there is no verbal abuse or controlling each other. Where every day is a joy, and a joy to be with each other. There is no more fear or distrust, there is confidence and a deep caring for each other. No more wondering what it would be like without this person, you couldn't bear the thought of living without them.

It is possible, and you know it. What causes us so much pain in our relationships is we all know it's possible, and we WANT IT!!!

So, how do you get there????????

CHANGE!!!! Be that Marriage partner.

But no one changes into that marriage partner without a major shakeup in your relationship. Not condoning A's, but sometimes they can be darn useful in opening the eyes of the partners to change their relationship around. How many people have you heard, their relationship is better than before...it's true, it's happening to me.

So what can you do now, without a willing partner? Work on being the best marriage partner you can be. No more yelling, disrespectful comments, nagging, manipulating. You can ask sweetly yet firmly for important things, and then let it go.

What have you done to change yourself and attitude?

DH,
If you are the financial provider, have you protected those accounts?

If you don't already have a separate account just for you, I'd recommend opening one. It stays marital property, but he doesn't have access.

Your H is a classic fence sitter, also called a cakeman. Wanting both sides of his life.

I'd still suggest a solid Plan A for a period of time, even a month, which means no yelling or fighting (Angry Outbursts).

But also interject as much reality into the situation as you can. The child is his? Set up regular visitation, talk about child support. Even if you are the major financial provider, he has that obligation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me how terribly hurt he was that I left him, and that no matter how miserable we were before I left, he wouldn't have left me and he wouldn't have gotten to the point he has with the OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't buy into any blame here, he chose to have the affair. He chose to live with her. He's the one in the wrong, not you. Afterall, you wouldn't have LEFT if he hadn't been cheating. That's reality.

Don't worry about his feelings for her. You have no control over that. What you have control over is the way YOU behave when you talk to him. Don't be the negative contrast and allow her to be the positive.