I spent most of the day trying to help my H out with calling utility companies for him. Gave him a little money to buy food for his house. He's being nice, I'm being nice...we are getting along. I called him a few minutes ago to tell him about one of the phone calls I made for him and the OW was there. He talked to me as if I was a piece of sh**. He was rude and said don't call here again. He keeps telling me that he loves me and wants me to come home, but that he needs time to break it off with the OW. Now I feel like he is stringing me along...just enough so that I will give him money and help him keep up the house that "I will be coming back to soon." I hate him so much right now! I can't even imagine going back to him. He called me names and said he hated me in front of her. I really want my marriage to work, but I think he is pushing me away with his actions. His words alone aren't enough anymore. God, I am such a fool! I bend over backwards to please him, to be nice to him, to help him...and this is how he treats me? Why on God's green earth do I want to put myself back into that? The whole reason I left in the first place was his anger and temper and verbal abuse. He hasn't changed a bit. He is still a controlling [censored]! I wish I could just let go. Let her have him and his bullsh**. Let her see how he really is. Let him treat her like he's treated me all these years. And it will happen. I need to find someone who will respect me and he doesn't do that.

If that's what I really want, then why am I sitting here crying my eyes out? Why am I still hoping that we can get back together?

DH,

Only you can make this decision, but I do have a question for you. Do you think he is the only man on this Earth that would want to marry you? I don't. I think you need to remember this, and then go do plan B correctly. It will help you in two ways. First, it preserves the love for the H, but it removes you from the LB's. Second as it goes along you go through Withdrawal from your H, and there will come a time when the thought of leaving him won't bother you so much. Why? well because he will have continued on with his affair, and you will have had time to realize that while you love him, you don't NEED him.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I am just sick to death of playing second fiddle to the OW. He puts her feelings and needs ahead of mine constantly. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of his lies. I am tired of being put down and belittled when she is around. And no, I don't think he is the only man who would want to marry me. And I don't think I am ready for plan B yet, however, he is killing my love for him. I just don't think I can do Plan A or Plan B effectively. Every argument we have is related to her. It never fails. I don't know how to not say anything...grrrr!!!! I am sick to death of him telling me to file the divorce papers every time we argue. I am sick to death of him calling me a b**ch and telling me he hates me. And he does it all in front of her. I am thinking that this marriage isn't worth saving. And that hurts me. This rollercoaster is getting old.

Your H is acting like a confused jerk right now, which is why you feel like you hate him. You still love him, too, though - probably because of the good parts of your M from the past?
You asked why you are sitting there crying your eyes out. It could be because even if you voluntarily end the M, it will still be a loss that hurts really badly.
If he wants a D, why doesn't he file, instead of making you do all the work?
If he treats you like s**t when you call, I think you shouldn't call him or contact him at all. I know you said NC would be hard for you, but it seems like you are just setting yourself up to be mistreated if you stay in contact. When he starts missing you and/or OW leaves him because he is mistreating her as well (which I bet he will do), he will undoubtedly come crawling back to you. By then maybe you will have time to sort out your thoughts and feelings and decide if you still want him!
Take care of yourself. Take deep breaths. Find healthy ways to become calm and clear your mind. God bless.

I have protected my accounts. I do have an account in my name only, and he doesnt' have access to it at all. I have not closed our joint account, in hopes that we will reconcile someday soon. I keep only enough in it to keep it open. But thanks for the good advice.

Rose ~ I do still love my husband, and yes, voluntarily ending the marriage would hurt me very badly. And it's a step I'm not ready to take. I don't think he really wants the divorce, either, but in anger he tells me to file. I always tell him no, you do it, and says that he will, but he hasn't and I don't think he has any intention of filing. NC is something I know I need to do to protect me and to protect my feelings for him, but I am so afraid of the what if's that go along with it. What if he decides he doesn't want me? What if he doesn't miss me? What if he grows closer to her? What if she begins to fulfill the few needs he's getting from me?

I am getting ready to move out of my house that I rented for only a month. (Fortunately, I have a very understanding landlord.) I am going back to my mom's to get myself together financially. I really hate to do that, but I need to. I jumped in too soon on renting a house. I told WH today that I increased the amount of minutes on our cell phones (which we have together on one plan) because my cell will be the only way for ppl to get in contact with me once I move back to my mom's house. He said good, cuz that will be the only way he can call me while I'm at my mom's.

I don't know what I am gonna do for now. As far as taking care of myself, I am doing that. I almost had a nervous breakdown on Monday. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he prescribed medication for me. I have been feeling better ever since, but when we fight and argue, that's when I get upset. And the funny thing is....he was the only one yelling and calling names, I was calm and quiet. I think he needs to be on what I'm taking too. And after our fight, I was more angry with myself than with him for putting up with it.

Just Learning ~ didn't intend to leave you out. Thanks for your reply also. It is so good to know I can come here and vent, and receive good advice, and just even have comfort in knowing I am not alone in my struggle.

<small>[ August 09, 2003, 10:12 AM: Message edited by: Archuletan ]</small>

Ok, the thing that got us into the fight earlier tonight was that my son's friend, who happens to be the cousin of the OW, called and invited my son to the movies tonight. I told him I would have my son call him back. In the mean time, my H calls and wants to know if I talked with the utility company, and I said no because of the phone call. He got mad that I didn't just tell my son's friend that we were busy, because my H and the OW were taking the kids to the movies. I was like, "OH, the new family is going to the movies, how sweet. You never did that with us." And then all hell broke loose. In a later phone call he said that they weren't going (meaning him and OW) and that he really didn't want to go, but they were dropping the kids off there. Well, I had to run out, and went by the theater (it's a little local theater that they went to) and sure enough, his car was there. It just breaks my heart that he is doing things with her that he never did with us. I just keep saying why weren't we good enough? Why wasn't I good enough? How come he is doing all of this with her and her family and he never did it with us? This is just too much. I can't take the pain anymore. And he keeps telling me that he is trying to break it off with her, that he wants me to come home. How exactly is this breaking it off????

<small>[ August 08, 2003, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>