You said in a post elsewhere that you don't think Plan B works well without a six-month Plan A.

Well, I had a very short (coupla weeks) Plan A before I had to ask him to move out.

I've been posting on "75/100 Days of Plan A". I'm really between Plan A and Plan B -- Plan B seems to work too well for him; he's only too ready to forget me. Plan A has too little opportunities...

Thoughts?

AM,
Sometimes I post for lurkers, sometimes I post very specifically to the thread initiator. That 6 months was specific to that poster. She never did a Plan A. She just said she would. And she definitely has not started and now wants to go to B.

Your situation is different. You did a Plan A. You had a reconcilation, then a realization that the A was ongoing. At which point your H left.

Your posts show you have amazing composure. You have since I began reading your posts, the first of which I recall that the OW spoke to you in a bathroom line and kissed your H (the A was supposed to be over, it was not.)

Your situation is different than the other poster's.

She, according to her posts, is yelling, screaming, begging when she talks/phonecalls...then doing household & financial favors, and sex. Really different situations.

I believe in MB. But, I'm not a real strict Plan A/B MBer. I had a lot of difficulty with learning Plan A, as I was volatile (pretty nice word actually for what I was). But...I think consistancy for periods of time is important.

You already have that. And, I respect the path you are on and with the contact you have with your H & the OW, I don't see a better path for you. Strict MB? No, I guess it isn't. But, I am someone whose H stil works with the FOW (the downfall of many, manuy marriages) & I see her...last month twice, this week. Sometimes you have to work with the given environment, and personalities, too.

So, don't take that other scolding personally to your situation FROM ME.

This other poster's H is saying he loves her, unless the OW is listening. He is a cake eater. Your H is more of a traditional conflict avoider. I think slightly different strategies are needed.

And, my H was a cake-eating, conflict avoider with an A with a co-worker. A lot of strikes against the marriage. Reconciliation took 2+ years.

I tend to look at the long run.

Thanks, as always, Lor.

How do you see H is "a traditional conflict-avoider"? He did some weirdo high school stuff to arouse jealous feelings -- I think some of his affectionate treatment of OW in public in front of me was designed to do that, too. All you can do is not let it get to you.

I can't claim I did a perfect Plan A at all, though I was getting better. I did sometimes yell at him when something would trigger associations to his betrayal, then go back to Plan A. But I can honestly say the upsets were getting more and more infrequent by the time I found out we were in a false recovery. I'm not sure Plan A had much of an effect.

Maybe you're right about conflict-avoider. He seemed very "surprised" by my reaction to the A, and even frightened by my behavior during that time. I was not "in control" and cool at all times. I'm sorry, but what a jerk! All this is reminding me of how spineless he has been.

During the two weeks of false recovery period, he would be "surprised" at how well I was taking things, as if this had been weird and exceptional, rather than increasingly the norm.

<small>[ August 10, 2003, 01:09 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]</small>