Hi One Day, thanks for posting. I tried to retrieve some of your posts, but all of them were replies to others', so I don't know your story, either. Can you tell a little about yourself?
My story is very similar to many others on this board. I haven't had to deal with verbal abuse like some others, though. The parts of my marriage that are perhaps a little different are WH's previous affairs, his childhood sexual abuse, and my purposely changing from co-dependent to non-co-dependent behavior in the past few years.
I'll explain. Nov. 1990 WH came to me and confessed that he had had a PA with a married co-worker several years previous. He referred to this OW as a "slut". Go figure. Then he proceeded to tell me that the reason he was telling me this is that he had fallen in love with another married co-worker, had confessed his love for her that very night, and she had been disgusted with him. He was afraid that he would be losing his "best friend" and turned to me for consolation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
After a couple of days in shock, I went into anger mode. No MB back then. He was remorseful, begged me not to leave. After thinking about it for several months I told him that I would stay with him but would have to alter my perception of him. Our main problem, as far as he was concerned, was infrequent SF. I told him that since he had had an affair, and since he had pressured/threatened to leave me regarding SF in the past, he had a problem in that area. I made it clear to him that his opinion about sex was messed up and I wouldn't listen to him about it any more. I know, I'm gonna get the 2x4.
We went on for years, some good times some bad times, but every once in awhile something he would do would trigger my distrust of him. I was afraid that if he was capable of making the huge mistake of having an A, he was capable of making mistakes in other areas of our lives. I wasn't wrong. He lied to me about other things, classic conflict avoider. During those years he was still working w/OW#2, and I guess he had an ongoing EA for 8 or 9 years! I asked him every once in awhile how he could get from "I know it's wrong" to "but I'm gonna do it anyway" regarding the A. I never got a good answer.
Several years after confessing his A's, WH told me that he had been sexually abused by an uncle for 5 years, from the time he was 5 til he was 10. He had never told anyone about this. I of course felt terrible for him. I listened as best I could, but I'm not a trained therapist, so I suggested that he see an IC. He refused, said he had "dealt with it". Since then I've learned that men who were sexually abused have lots of issues, especially control issues. Gradually I came to see WH's sexual behavior with me as related to his first sexual experiences with his uncle. Not a pretty sight.
My WH is "moody". He's a very emotional man. He cries more than I do. Throughout our lives together he has had bouts with depression. I didn't know it then, but I do now. He developed digestive problems, headaches, backaches, footaches, a**aches, everything aches. Again, classic depression symptoms. He had a complete, 9-month workup for his digestive problems, and his Dr. finally said, there's nothing physically wrong with you, would you consider taking Anti-D medication? Answer, NO.
By this time, our kids were teenagers. I spent countless hours with them, talking to them about their choices, friends, more time than when they were infants. Taking care of the kids was Job 1. WH was often quiet, sleeping, sullen. I had listened, coddled, made suggestions for improvements at his job, home, life, etc. for years. Nothing had worked. So I stopped. Told him he was responsible for his own happines. I truly believe this, and I live my own life that way. He didn't like it, though, his co-dependent rescuer (me) had left him (the victim) to fend for himself. We grew more distant.
Fast-forward to 2001. July WH's father died, a painful death from stomach cancer. Father had cheated on MIL for 20 yrs until she Dv'd him. He was remarried to a witch who threw him out when he was sick and didn't even come to his funeral. For some reason, neither FIL's kids or MIL ever blamed FIL for the breakup of the family. He was revered as a war hero and business man. Maybe I'm missing something, but what FIL did to his family was wrong.
Father's death sent WH into a tailspin. He started smoking. He was critical about everything in our lives. He graduated from college in 2002 but was cynical about his chance to find a job he liked. Our kids were leaving us with an empty nest. Even the old dog died. WH developed diverticulitis and decided to have the lower portion of his intestine removed June 2002. While recovering at home from the surgery WH told me that he wanted to leave me. Red flags went up, as I know this man, he doesn't want to be alone. Before long I figured out who he was in love with, another co-worker.
The rest is history. I'm not so quick to take lots of the responsibility for the state of my marriage. I'm willing to listen, but I think my WH has lots of big issues he hasn't dealt with.
OK, this is WAY too long, thanks for reading. I'll check back later.
Lablady
