Hi all, I have a question I'd like some opinions on.

My H and the OW agreed verbally they shouldn't contact each other in order to work on their marriages. She decided to stay with her H, basically because of her 3 kids (we don't have any). My H had told her I wanted him to send a NC letter, she said she wouldn't read it and would return it unopened because she didn't want to hear from him. My H has closed all his email accounts, we opened a new joint one. He gave me access to his work email, and he no longer carries a cell phone.

Sounds great, but she basically only contacts him via phone at work (he has no secretary to screen calls). After they agreed to this NC, she still called him (only 4 days after their "final good-bye") on his birthday and they talked for over an hour. My H has basically said he won't contact her, but isn't strong enough to not talk to her if she calls him. He says he still wants to talk to her too much. At this point he's said he won't send a NC letter because he doesn't think she'll read it and he says he won't mean it.

Quick background: they met over the internet, she lives in another state. They've met twice (the last time being the end of July when they spent a week together).

So my question is should I send the OW a letter asking her to please not contact him? Our therapist believes my H and I have a good foundation and can save the marriage. But he says everytime she contacts my H it undermines any progress we make.

I would appreciate any thoughts on the matter.

Trying

PS - I just found out she called him again this morning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What about contacting her husband to let him know that contact is continuing and that she is the one calling your husband.

Unfortunately he knows and is willing to allow pretty much anything in order to keep her from leaving him. As my husband said just this morning when I asked if her H knew she called him - she (OW) has him over a barrel.

Trying,
The OW really isn't your problem...your H who talks to her is.

The affair is ongoing as long as she calls and he talks. And really, if he talks to her when she calls, I wouldn't believe him that he's strong enough not to, at some point, do the calling himself. Like if she doesn't call for several days or a week.

His optimal behavior would be to say "Please do not call me anymore." And the sound of the phone connection being severed.

Until he begins doing that, they are having an affair with his willing participation.

If you contact her, more than likely she'll just call him to tell him you contacted her. It will lead to another contact between them.

You can contact her, but keep your expectations low that she'll do anything differently.

Thanks for the reply Lor.

So far she has been calling once a week. You could very well be correct when you say if it goes 2 weeks and she doesn't call that he'll just call her. In fact I've wondered if he tells me he won't contact her because he's fairly sure she'll keep contacting him.

She did let him know today she has her cell phone again (her H had it for awhile). He told her he closed the email account they had used and he said she sounded upset that he was trying to cut her off. Considering she calls him whenever she wants I don't really know what she's upset about.

Anyway, we are in joint and IC. I am trying to meet his ENs and not LB. Since they are already in different states, these occasional phone calls from her are their only contact. She also told him today she knew she made the right decision (to stay with her family). Of course she still told him how much she missed him and loved him and wanted him to be a part of her life somehow. I really don't believe she will leave her H, but I'm wondering how long it will take my H to accept that and realize nothing can be gained from continued contact.

How do you know that your H is not lying about HER BEING THE AGGRESSOR? Did you not stipulate when you both decided to work on the marriage that NO CONTACT is the only way that your marriage can heal? Why do you accept him saying that he won't stop her from calling him. That is not working on the marriage. He is having his cake and eating it to. And will continue to do so as long as you don't put down certain boundaries. If he truly wants to work on your marriage he will abide by the rules.

<small>[ August 11, 2003, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying32:
<strong>Unfortunately he knows and is willing to allow pretty much anything in order to keep her from leaving him. As my husband said just this morning when I asked if her H knew she called him - she (OW) has him over a barrel.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know this is true? Did the husband tell you this?

Trying - I believe she is the one doing the calling. Up until yesterday he thought the only place to call her would be home and he didn't want to get her H on the phone (they work out of the home). Of course now he knows she has her cell phone back.

Melody - I am quite sure her H knows. He made a "deal" with her that if he bought her a bigger house and allowed her to meet my H one last time than she would stay with him. So she got her house and spent a week with my H in July. I, of course, was unaware of this deal.

Last night my H told me why she called yesterday. The OW called to tell him she wants to see him again. It seems OW's H has now agreed to let her see my H one weekend a month if she stays married. So OW was calling my H to tell him about the new deal she has struck with her H.

I was actually quite calm as he told me all this. It must have been shock. I told him if that's the arrangement he wanted he could have it, but I wasn't sticking around for it. I said I loved him but he wasn't worth my self-respect and that's what it would cost me. I told him I couldn't love or respect any man who wanted that kind of arrangement. He said he understood and admired me for not being willing to put up with it. He also said he thought he would lose his own self-respect if he put himself in that situation.

Anyway, I think he may actually be getting glimpses of the sun through all his fog.

I can believe that she’s the aggressor, a lot of OW are. Your husband is just being a nice guy right? After all he made the mistake of having an affair right? Why should he compound it by being rude? I can understand that, doesn’t mean he’s right, but I can understand. What he needs to do is be firm and say please don’t call me again … click, but that’s not going to happen right now.

Sounds like the OW wants to be the one in control. She ends the affair. She institutes no contact… therefore she won’t read his NC letter. He can’t even call her because she lets her husband have her cell. But she can call him whenever she wants to.

If you call her you know what she’s going to do. She’s going to gloat. She’s going to tell you that you should be woman enough to control your husband. She can do anything she wants to and you can’t stop her.

If your husband sends her a NC letter she won’t listen to it and may even take it as a dare. She’ll figure you finally succeeded in nagging him to do it and it doesn’t mean anything. After all she’s been getting him to break NC whenever she calls him. If she’s gotten him once she can get him again.

You’re kind of stuck until your husband can get strong enough to hang up on her. Although affairs are never something to be lucky about you do have it better than some. This is the only contact they have and it is tapering off. If I were you I would continue to practice plan A and working to make your marriage as strong as possible. As time goes on he will get stronger and his need for her will lesson until it is no longer there and he will end the contact. It sucks but I think you are going to have to continue being patient.

…. Either that are you could start researching exciting new cell phone plans. And then sort of kinda accidentally drop his cell phone in the toilet. And then say well since we broke your cell phone why don’t we go with this new better plan that requires a new cell phone number honey.