My best friend came to me a few weeks ago with a huge problem. Her husband found out his father was having an A. He would be around 60 yo.

She was so upset for her MIL and the whole situation.

Now, no one in our small town knows of my FWH's As so what do I do?

I told her to tell her MIL to check out Marriagebuilders and to get the book SAA. She asked me how I knew this stuff? I said, Don't ask.

I've asked how they are doing and apparently both are in MC but not going together. She doesn't know if it will ever get worked out but is more worried about her husband forgiving his father.

What, if any advice, or words of wisdom, can I give her on forgiving your father?

Thanks for listening,
DB

I'll admit that children(grown or not) do suffer tremendously during a parent's A. That being said, the A is not about the kids. Recovery depends on how hard the couple in the M are willing to work. The kids can support that but, not control it or fix it themselves.

My advice to your friend's H via your friend is to not react in haste. Take some time to figure exactly why you are upset. Is it the deciet? Is it the disruption of the family? Is it seeing Mom so devastated? Is it a misuse of family assets? Is it a combination of things?

At some point, the father involved in the A needs to explain to his kids why he did what he did. These are adult kids we're talking about so they can handle it and should hold their father accountable for his actions. The kids deserve to know why their world was turned upside down. Dear old Dad needs to see the damage he has done, see how he upset and angered everyone. That's the reality he needs to face.

For now, the kids should sit tight and get the support they need to help them heal. I don't think keeping this a secret is particularly healthy but, to talk/inform or not to talk/inform others is a judgement call based on the situation.

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

It was 5 yrs after ws found out his dad had a "a" that he began his...I dont think he started to even try to forgive his dad until he to had done this ...Seems like a enddless cycle at times....Ill be praying for you and your friends.

MGM -
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I'm sure he hates seeing his mother upset but it's also the fact the he literally "caught" them (not in the act, but afterward, it seems). His father told him some big long tale that he wanted to believe but wasn't too sure about. Then finds out he's having an A with this woman.

I wish MB had a discussion board for Children Living with Affairs or something like that. I think it would be a good support topic.

I realize the A isn't about the children but I do think sometimes younger children have a hard time not believing that. Older children, adult children have also a loss of respect for a parent that they have to deal with and I bet it's hard on them, too. Plus, they could be wondering if it's hereditary and will they be doing this when they are 60!

DB

<small>[ August 14, 2003, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: dazed blonde ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dazed blonde:
<strong>
I realize the A isn't about the children but I do think sometimes younger children have a hard time not believing that. Older children, adult children have also a loss of respect for a parent that they have to deal with and I bet it's hard on them, too. Plus, they could be wondering if it's hereditary and will they be doing this when they are 60!

DB</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why I stated it was important for children (of all ages) to get the support they need to help cope and heal from the A too! They can't put the M back together but, they can learn from the A, it's consequences and it's hurt, with help. I also said they need to talk about it with friends, with family with a pastor or IC. Anyone who can properly support during this time.

My father's 8 year A ended about 9 years ago. I was 31...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Older children, adult children have also a loss of respect for a parent that they have to deal with and I bet it's hard on them, too. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have never been able to see my father as a truly moral man after his A. It was because my sister and I took a stand that ended his A.

He was ready to leave my mom. Sister and i both said (independantly I might add) that while we loved our dad and he would always be welcome in our house, we would not slap our mother in the face and welcome or accept OW.

OW who had a horrible relationship with her father couldn't stand to be the cause of friction between dad and his daughters. She ended it, my father pursued her to the point of her filing stalking charges and no contct orders.

(My mother even stood next to him in court).

But the damage is done ... I no longer go to my father -- he's not the man I leaned on as a child. He's not the man who had morals and who set me on a good path.

He is the man that to my blinking eyes got angry at Myad for A#1 for hurting me .. even though he was in the midst of his own A (couldn't see what he was doing to my mom) ... and he isn't the man I went to to be told I was a wonderful, attractive, worthwhile person when Myad's A#2 d-day came.

(Though I would have liked to and needed to very much)

I understand that he was in FOG -- but a father is something special in his daughters eyes -- I love my dad to no end but he has lost his luster and is not the "protector" he once was to me.

I just hope and pray none of my kids find out what their father has done ... less they feel about him the way I feel about my dad.

way2

wow, this post brought up an old memory for me....when I was 16, I had fallen in love for the first time, and was eager to try a little physical experimentation of that love <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
and it got to the point that it became quite common to see me around w/ my boyfriend at the time engaged in some Public Displays of Affection. I remember one night getting ready for a date and the phone rang. My father answered the phone, his face went ashen and I remember him saying "that's none of your business" and then hung up. He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, and then walked away without saying a word.

I thought I was in trouble for sure since my father was a staunch religious man and thought that I was too young to have a boyfriend, and if he knew about the PDA's, he would have a royal fit. My father stewed for the weekend and wouldn't talk to anyone. Finally I went to my mom and told her what happened. She said she would look into it. A few days later she and dad reported to me that the phone call was someone who thought they were blowing the whistle on my mom to my dad by telling him that she was involved in an affair, and that's what the phone call was about. Nothing more was said about it, and neither of them laughed it off or even went into a discussion of "that type of behavior was wrong" or anything.

I couldn't even begin to explain how disfunctional my parent's marriage was, but in the scheme of things, that accusation, and knowing the state of my parent's marriage at the time, it's probably not too far out of left field that an affair probably happened. However, my parents are retired and elderly now. They will observe their 53rd anniversary next week (note-I didn't say "celebrate"). I think that if there is that knowledge out there that my mom did something, I would prefer to keep it in the past. I certainly could not bring myself to confront her over it at this point in the game, even though on inner reflection, it makes me wonder how much of my mother's daughter I truly am.

Thanks everyone for your stories and replies. The next time the subject comes up, I'm going to suggest he look into this website as well.

I just can't see my friend going to IC for this. It's not something "men" in our town do. He's a real introvert and talking about things isn't his style. I'll try to pass some suggestions on to his wife.

Thanks!
DB