I've posted this in 3 places cause I need answers and notice some posting go by withno response

From another posting in recovery -- a little history

quote:
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It's coming up on D-Day anniversary #2 where I learned of his affair with OW from Columbia which went on for 6wks or so & he spent his last B'day with.
We went thru this in 4/98 which was D-Day #1 were he asked for a Divorce because he was not worthy of me because of a ONS which happened in '83 or '84.
While in MC for the A, it comes out that he also had a ONS in '98 but didn't have the heart to tell me cause he wanted to spare me the pain. D-Day #3. Also during this period, he continued to lie to me about details of his A.
During D-Day 2 period, so much hateful, spiteful, vindictive words poured out of WH that I didn't know who was standing in front of me. At this time he asked me for a Divorce to be with OW whom he claimed to love so much and be totally happy with. Within 24 hrs he was begging me to stay and work things out. He called OW and ended everything - no further contact between them that I know of.

3wks prior to his A, we stood at the altar marrying off one of our D and proceeded to have a very romantic weekend which we often did. He traveled for work internationally and I made it a point that when he was home - no honey dos just family time and us time. I worked so hard at giving this man everything he wanted and supporting him in everyway that everyone we knew thought we had the perfect marriage including me. We even were leaders in MC home group for a rather large church.

Control or lack of it has always been an issue for him.
Won't control spending - would break every budget we would agree upon, has forced bankruptcy on us twice in 23 yrs.
Won't control eating habits - wants to lose 30-40 lbs and tells me to set up diet for home then eats whatever, whenever while dieting(even hides food and snacks at home).
Won't stay in job were boss is too control of his time, accounts, trips, etc.
I think his infidelity is also a control thing - doesn't want to be told he can't have what he wants.

I have asked him to go to counseling and find out the "WHYS" of his actions. Even if he goes alone. He won't go and has made it financially impossible for me to go.

His father has a severe sexual addiction and has had over 100 As and ONS and prostitutes in his 53 yrs of marriage to his mom. She no longer cares as long as she is supported financially and not put out in the street. They feel I should be happy it was only 3 times. His father is disappointed in him - he could do better and I should have never found out - he sould have never confessed to my questioning.

Now that the year is coming up,
1. he wants to know all my whereabouts and won't let me go anywhere - anywhere alone.
2. calls me 3 to 6 times a day or calls my D to see if she knows where I am.
3. continues to add LBs in that he doesn't care what words or actions he says or does which may hurt me or not. He thinks it's funny and I shouldn't get offended.
4. wants me to be over all this already because he said he was sorry and has remained faithful for the last 11 months and swears it will never happen again.
5. won't go to counseling cause he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions(they were mistakes) and he doesn't want to face his guilt.
6. He wants his old wife back - the naive, trusting, loving, "put me on a pedestal", non-questioning wife.
7. Does not like the fact that I have gone back to school to increase my earning potential and sabotages any time that I tried to study and do school work with committments he makes for me without my knowledge.
8. Has us broke again totally draining our bank acct. and by quitting his job and trying to make a network marketing business work.

Now I am supposed to be totally over all of his "mistakes". ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY OVER IT

Our girls are grown and are quite tired of his antics as well. They idolized their dad but they have also watched his actions and he has confessed to them his "mistakes" Now they are somewhat respectful but distant and non-trusting.

Am I taking too long to recover???
Is he justified in his wanting me to never mention this again and TOTALLY put this away never to come up again???
He's over it and so should I be over it.
I am finding it harder and harder to even talk with him about anything concerning us.
He has no regard for me even in SF. As long as he's happy everybody should be happy.
I feel caged in.
And I want OUT.
I have somehow managed to become more independant.
Before my life centered around him and his needs.
I guess that's why I was so self destructive after discovery.
Now I am learning to think about me and my needs.
I don't go every where with him - I try to spend some alone time where I can vent to the air.
My Puppy dog has become my very best friend and our walks are very special to me - the solitude is great.

Where do I take this and is this where I should consider myself RECOVERED?????

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At this point I want a divorce... I am being forced to go thru a recovery that is totally one sided and meets the needs of my WH.
He doesn't want to do anything but patronize me in hopes I'll get over it.
The love is gone and the intimacy is all for him.
Anyone can take my place there because it's not about who he is with but about his SF.
I'm just tired of all the S@#$ and lies.

When do you say enough already??????

OLT,

Many folks consider the crisis of an A as the most difficult part of recovering from infidelity. It is by far the most heart wrenching....but I personally, think that the length and difficulty of the journey in recovery itself poses special challenges....and great threats. When you agreed to stay with your husband after finding out about the affair....were there conditions associated with that? I ask this...because those are the agreements that help smooth the path to real recovery. Was disclosure all that you required? This may sound drastic....but if you read your own post...and listen to the fact that you are losing your love for your husband, and developing independent behavior that will undermine your recovery....maybe you will understand why I'm going to suggest it. I think it you haven't already....then you should think about going to Plan B...with prerequisites...or conditions necessary to resume recovery. Those would include things like: marriage counseling, individual counseling, recovery Plan ala MB, continued no contact, opening both of your lives to scrutiny, etc. Plan B paves the way for recovery by putting these conditions in place....without them....you end up with the same vulnerable and unfullfilling marriage that helped create the affair in the first place. And your independent behavior will impact that greatly.

One more thing that really bothers me about how you describe your husband (and I am NO expert) is that he seems to exhibit some narcissistic tendencies. Do you know anything about that? If not, please do a search and read about it and take a looksee. Just plug in "narcissism" in any search engine and browse a bit. Let me know what you think.

OLT,
Here's an excerpt from DearPeggy.com, I hope she doesn't get mad for me using it. Its kinda long, but to the point. "I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions."

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

I hope this helps you and your husband...

He won't even read anything having to do with recovery. At this point, I have been ugly and threw away all recovery books while in an arguement with him.
I found out later that he saved all the books and they are in his file cabinet but there is no evidence he has done anything with them.
I feel very hopeless at this point and have begun to work on my recovery as best as I can.

He does have some narcassitic behavoir.
You can lead a horse to water but .....
This is where it's at.
I can't do a Plan B in that I am not capable of affording our home - we are renting.
I am trying to save up some$$$ but this is difficult since mine is the only income coming in.

We have one D living with us who is 20 and she knows some of whats going on but I don't want to involve her in all this.

All my Ds are supportive of my leaving him if I need to. They understand my pain and at this point don't understand his actions.
ONe day at a time ---