Plan B'ers, may I ask how long you were in plan B before your spouse woke up? Actually, before they came home and recommitted themselves?
Has Harley stated there is any time limit?
I'm curious as I'm sure many are. Though My marriage is on track, and has been for quite some time, I do wonder how long Harley recommends hanging in? Indefinitely? 6 months? a yr?
Does he recommend any changes after a unsuccessful time period?
Thankfully, I didn't have to contend with the plans as H never left home or continued after Dday.
I did do a lot of LBing though over months so there was help in reading about that problem.
Thanks for your input. LouLou

I asked this same question some time back as my WW placed me in no-contact as she needed time and space. She left on Dday and the no-contact request began when OM wanted to call affair off.

Anyway I was told there is no real time frame. Some wake up fast (weeks), some slow (months/years) and some never look back much at all.

That's the toughest part of PLan B. How long do we as the BS sit an wait before moving on? Good Luck

Cerri answered this question on my thread somewhere, I think. Good luck finding it.

<small>[ August 17, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

LOL thanks MIMI.
Goodguy007, (Anyway I was told there is no real time frame. Some wake up fast (weeks), some slow (months/years) and some never look back much at all.)
At least you put it in the no time frame. But now I wonder how many would go years? Not I!
Without any guarantees it would change, one would be wasting precious time and we have only so much of it here, once around.
I'm not having to deal with this issue, Thank God! But it's interesting to see if there was a time frame pretty much for most, such as 6 mos, year, ?
Which in a way might have given some hope to those going through it.
I must be the odd duck because I couldn't/wouldn't do it.
Even when I was much younger, there would be no dragging it out for me. In a way, it would be his putting too much import on OW rather than me and it just wouldn't work afterward for me.
Mine has two A's in 23 yrs, first after we were married over 6 yrs, second at 29 yrs. The dday was end of them both.
Just knowing what hell I went through even with the immediate ending, is unimaginable to me to continue to cope with for months, years.
NO, I'm a move on and find the happiness I deserve type person rather than allow someone to steal another day of my life.
I suppose i'd be the screw up?LOL
It just wouldn't be worth it to me because i'd never feel the same.
Therefore, that said, I truly can admire the strength and tenacity of those who are going with this for unlimited time.
You all must have the patience of JOB!Which I've always been short on. LOL
And of course, many have their success stories from it. I'm happy for the salvaged marriages. But the wounds must be forever deep.
LouLou

According to SAA, there is a time frame for both Plan A and Plan B. If I remember right, the longest Plan B should go is about two years, with one year being more "average."

Plan A is a 3 (women) to 6 (men) month thing. And then, yes, you're supposed to STOP DOING PLAN A. And do Plan B instead.

I found it incredibly hard, but also incredibly right, when I finally went to Plan B.

I didn't really get to stay there, though, because my WP (wayward partner) pulled a trick that can only be pulled in a same-sex relationship -- she played the "never see our daughter again" card and revoked her consent to my adoption.

I've been forced to have more contact with her than I want because of that, and my lawyer would flat kill me if I rocked the boat any further until we have a custody agreement in place and enforced by a court.

But oh, how right Plan B was nonetheless. And even though there is limited contact between us about the baby (she's only 7 months old now), it has made SUCH a difference for my peace of mind. I find that I really don't care what WP is doing most of the time. She lives in her own apartment and I see her only for a few minutes when we do transitions or when she comes by to nurse the baby. Even then, I don't start conversations and try to limit the amount of time that we spend in the same room. It's so freeing!! I have a life, and I like my life. The roller coaster isn't mine, it's WP's, and I don't have to live that way!

I'm sleeping and eating well (eating too much; I've regained all the lost weight and then some). I've gotten my work back on track and am even getting a very high level citation for some work I did in the middle of the worst of things. My house is clean (WP didn't clean the whole time I was out of the house, and it was pretty trashed when I moved back in after she moved out) and starting to be the place of peace and love that I want it to be.

In other words, my life is pretty darned good right now. My lawyer tells me that I will be happier if we don't reconcile, and she's probably right about that, but I'm willing to reconcile anyway, for myself and the happy marriage I once had, and for our daughter who deserves to be raised in one home with two parents.

Cerri says I can't be in Plan B because there's no such thing as a modified Plan B. I think she's right. But in the end, it doesn't much matter. Life, life -itself-, is taking care of me these days, with some help from me and all the people who love me.

I'm looking forward to having the custody agreement taken care of so that I can safely implement a more complete Plan B. But for right now, I'm pretty safe behind my boundaries, and that's a good place to be in.

Hm. Perhaps I should start my own thread over here, for the days when I'm not so safe and happy.... Not today, though.

J of HKJ, thank you for a great post. You should start your own I think. What a wonderful dad you are to take all the responsibility, but a precious child is way worth it all!
One to two years blows me away with the plan.
Maybe because I'm older and children are grown.
My H and I have recovered our marriage and are happy though I still have days when it overwhelms me in pain.
Waiting years to me would be a hell on earth and I'd prefer to quit and move on to happiness elsewhere myself. LOL
I would be a dismal failure if I had to do what some of you are doing. Great strength shown here, but cannot be easy at all.
I appreciate all the replies here.
J, I'm happy to hear you're taking good care of yourself. I had the weight thing as well, went anorexic without trying. As things worked out, I gained back, just a bit too much in fact. LOL now need to get rid of 10 to 15 lbs!
But I'm healthier than before, when it took me into a heart attack due to weight loss and couldn't eat.
I pray all works out for you with that precious baby. That has to be so terribly painful on you.
I see everyone has to do what they must in different situations.
It's not so easy as just walking away and starting over again.
Blessings to all, LouLou

Heya, New Branch. You're quite welcome. The 1 to 2 year time frame for Plan B is time for YOU to heal, to recover, to grow, to decide what to do next. You've been through hell, and you deserve some peace! The two things you do to further your marriage during Plan B are to get yourself away from your spouse altogether, and to NOT take action to end the marriage yourself during that time. At the end of it, you're finally to the point of indifference about your spouse. Hopefully you have some love left for them when you go into Plan B, but it will have faded and ended when Plan B ends. That's how you know you're ready to go on to bigger and better things.

It's how I know that I'm NOT ready for it -- my head is still full of my partner and all the things I'd like to say to her. The loving words, the angry words, the gentle words, the laughing words, the hurting words. When those fade, and I don't care AT ALL where she is and what she's doing, then I'll be ready to meet someone new. Until then, I'd just be torturing whoever the new person would be.

As for being a great dad? Well, I hope to be a great mama, actually. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We are/were in a same sex relationship. I think I'm probably the only representative of that segment of the population on this entire board, but hey. That's all right. I did finally start my own thread, where you can read briefly about that and all the other choices that we made (*sigh*). It's at Wannabe B Thread.

I prolly won't get many responses; people blink a lot when they start reading my story. That's all right. You can blink too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And we can be in the "let's get exercise and eat right" club toghether if we want to, too. Me, I'm looking to be STRONG. Forget skinny. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

J of HJK, mea culpa. I reread your post more carefully and you did mention the same sex relationship. Sorry I am a fast reader and I usually get the meat of a post the same way I do books. I find myself going back in books too sometimes when I get to a part and think, "um? I thought so and so"?
Bottom line is when you go it alone, you'll be both mom and dad so it's still fitting. Blessings. LouLou

Yep! And it's even true whether I go it alone or not. Being the non-biological mom is a weird thing. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, focuses on the incredible importance of the mother-child bond. But when there are two moms, you suddenly have this bizarre dynamic between you -- you're not "special" the way you're "supposed" to be. Most two-mom relationships have an incredibly difficult time right after the first child is born, and it certainly has added to our struggles.

My partner has struggled tremendously with whether I'm necessary to our DD or not, and has had huge difficulty defining herself as a mother without defining me as something "less" than she is. Many of our worst interactions have been when she's threatened my position as a parent. I think she's started to recognize that I am important to our DD, and that I am -different- than she is. We can't do the mom/dad difference, but there is a difference nonetheless.

And in many ways, that part is easier because we're separate. I can be tender and loving to my daughter without my partner getting angry with me (yes, she didn't like that). And I can be the best mama I can be without my partner telling me that I'm too good at it all so she has to leave me.

*sigh* Fog makes -so- little sense some days... but in the end, I guess it makes me realize that my partner's issues are not my own. If I'm a good parent and she doesn't like that, well, that has more to do with her own self-esteem and sense of self-worth than with me.

By the way, I'd like to hear others' answers on the length of their Plan Bs. Both those that ended in recovery and those that didn't.

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>