I am confused because I have been with my husband for 12 yrs and have been married 7, we have 2 small boys... my problem is that I had a 2 night stand six months ago (with the same guy) and no we aren't talking or anything else, he isn't interested in me and I want my marriage to work,
My husband and I haven't had a good sex life in ALONG time and I'm afraid I'm missing that passion with him... how do we get that back?? we have read the books but I still need to tell him after 12 yrs what I like in bed. Its hard since the other person knew just what to do and was the best sex I had in YEARS!!! please any advice??

Welcome confused...

I'll take a stab at this..but you should realize that a little more feedback would be helpful..

there are actually several issues going on here...some that are related...and some that don't have a thing to do with one another...

More feedback would be helpful in you "not having good sex in a long time"..

did you have good sex ever..
did something change...
are there medical issues...
are there life changing events...
is there a singular event that changed things...

you get the drift...it helps to know what the issue is...because addressing it blindly may be way off.....

BUT...and big huge BUT...no issue within the marriage...justifys an affair...
it never can and never will..

the most important element of human sexuality has nothing to do with body parts or technique...it's all in the cranium...

that's the best place to address issues to get real intimate fullfilling sex....

the true gift of sexuality as meant to be shared between people really committed to one another and really cherishing one another...

you want mind blowing sex...start with the committment to work on it...

the more feed back you give the more people can help..

lots of people get lost and confused on the sex issue..and lots of people can proabably relate to your issues...
it's a matter of learning how to change you...to bring about the changes you desire...

hope to hear back from ya..
ARK

Thanks I would have e-mailed sooner but I don't know how it works!!!

Okay ya I guess we had good sex I don't recall ever complaining before?? It hasn't been good in 4.5 yrs, I mean not great but sometimes okay but never GREAT!! No medical changes but I know we have grown distant to eachother but I was able to REALLY enjoy things with this 2 night stand person and we didn't even know eachother!!
How do we get that back? My husband lacks in confidence especially after what I did but even before he was no Don Juan... I feel like I'm missing something in my marriage maybe the passion? I just don't know.... thanks for any advice, hey whats your story? thanks again...

marriage 101...

marriage is really hard work...at times

love is not a word...it is action...every day actions that speak your love of your spouse..that build upon one another and create environments of nuturing and cherishing one another...

sit back and do nothing in a marriage...and you will gain a marriage of nothing...

sit back and expect lovey dovey passionate emotional states to sustain you minute after minute...minus any energy, thought, and actions, and it will fade to nothing...

Sexual fullfillment has NOTHING to do with technique...it has to do an environment of trust and cherishing...

the two night stand sex felt good..yet it cost you a piece of your soul...for there is no real nurturing or care for eachother...and you sold yourself and him short for the sake of a copped feel good time...feeling good with sex is easy...

feeling good about our inner selves and our partner and the physcical part is the challenge well worth pursueing...

keep putting a lot of worth and merit in the feel good aspect...and you will doom yourself to never experiencing true intimacy and self value...

I can find ya fifty guys that can make you feel good...
but the real you...the inner you...won't feel good from that...

None of this has ANTHING to with your husband and his skills or lack there of...
this one baby is ALLLLLLLL about YOU...

You need to decide if you want a marriage worthy of your self worth and his...

you need to decide if you are willing to change and put the energy and compassion it takes to creating that type of marriage...

you need to decide if you are willing to become to the type of person that sees your actions of a two night stand on some deeper level than it felt good and on a level of being the type of action that you could never perpertrate on someone you truly cherish and value...

How do we get that back?
You can't get back what you never took the time to create...

you can't...

I feel like I'm missing something in my marriage maybe the passion?

hmmmm maybe it's missing

honesty
respect
compassion
selflessness
ability to live as if truth is a meaningful thing

what I am driving sooo hard at here at you is that he physical aspect of the sex is sooo far removed from your real issues in your marriage..and yet you don't appear to see that...

flippantly we grew apart..you say...

people do grow apart..but even part of that is a choice and an action....it doesn't just happen just as people don't just get along..
we make or don't make these things happen..

we are not victims to the state of our marriage...we are the key players in making it so...

do you want to go deeper on this confused...can you see where this is much more than a physical thing....

ARK

Wow you sound like my therapist.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I believe you are making sense!! thanks, but could you explain why can sex be good with someone you don't love or never built anything else with but not good with your life partner? Is it because we have so much built up resentment and anger that it blocks my thoughts that i need to enjoy myself and just let myself go during sex??
I understand what your saying about my marriage but HOW can it be good with a stranger and not with your partner?? He knows me the best shouldn't that make it better atleast at the sexual level?? Sorry if I sound dense just want to make sure i follow it all....
How about you ARK you have alot of posts but I don't know why your here? Thanks in advance,

Confused do you realize that sex with a stranger is one of the top fantasies for both men and women?

Main reason is there is no emotional baggage. It can be purely physical. Problem is afterwards reality hits in and WaLa now you have a ton of emotional baggage.

Right now you and your husband are not connected emotionally.

Most therapist will tell you it takes alot of anger for someone to have an affair.

And that anger can come from all directions. My wife was sexual abused in her youth. Her greatest anger was towards her parents-the father that left when she was 13 and the emotionally detatched mother due to the divorce. This led her into a series of abusive relationships that somehow became normal for her.

She never dealt with her anger before marrying me. The sex abuse made her hate and despise sex not wanting to make love with me. Hating herself for having a normal drive for what had become to her an abnormal act. So she did not want me to be associated with "it".

Odds are you are angry and your husband is the most logical lightening rod for your anger.

The result is he becomes the symbol for you anger.

Hard to tenderly love someone you associate with all the wrongs in your life.

ark has nailed it dead on the head.

confused...

You are answering your own questions slowly and painfully.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Is it because we have so much built up resentment and anger that it blocks my thoughts that i need to enjoy myself and just let myself go during sex??

Ding ding ding ding!!!!!!! You win a prize for that answer...

again the biggest turn on and sexual organ is the brain....

why do you and you he both have anger and resentment?...

Why that's a big clue...for the problems in the bed..

sex and touch on the surface feel good that's a fact...
there's no mystery why ons felt good...and no doubt you put energy and thought in to these ons.. (especially same guy)...admit it..you thought about..you planned it...bet you shaved and waxed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ..bet your hair looked nice...and you probably smelled good...all those things are actions that create it feeling good....
I bet he felt good to..I bet you paid attention to him...
get it...
You weren't walking down the street and mysteriously ended up nekked with some guy...
you planned it all...

do you realize what you have said about yourself to this guy...volumes about your inner self of how you don't respect honesty and faithfulness, and you or or your husband....

does that really feel good...really??????

My husband lacks in confidence especially after what I did but even before he was no Don Juan.

what role are playing actively at this time to rebuild this for him...or give him this...

confused I don't really have a story...
no infidelity in my marriage...
going on twelve years...3 kids..oldest is five...

but this place teaches me lots...about what matters and what's important..and of value...

ARK

I have read Dr. Harley's books on affairs and have done the questionners..we have established his needs and mine but the problem I am having is his first need is sexual fuffillment and he wants it EVERY day he said he will settle for it 3 times a week at least..
I have a 4 and 5 yr old both boys and I work also, I don't have family near by to get a break and am tired most nights, sex between my husband and I haven't been good in 3 yrs, he doesn't seem to turn me on and after 12 yrs I still need to tell him what I like in bed.
Six months ago I had a 2 night stand and am NOT talking to this guy, he lives in my home town and he does NOT want me either, sex was GREAT and I realized I didn't have the hangups my husband use to accuse me of, when my husband found out the whole story and when he thought I just kissed this person, my husband didn't have any problems still wanting sex from me.
Anyhow the problem I am having is I would like to make love to my husband when I want to and not when I feel obligated to because it is his "NEED". He doesn't make feel guilty about not giving him what he wants by being grouchy or claiming sex will help his headaches, even when he does something nice like rub my feet I feel there's an alterative motive! He has said that since he rubs my feet for so long I should touch him or preform oral sex on him longer!?? Please help me because he says I'm not meeting his needs and the marriage will suffer because of it but the marriage will suffer if I HAVE too.....
One of many of Dr. Harley's fans, Confused32

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: Confused32 ]</small>

Just out of curiosity, could you tell us the events that lead to your 2 night stands? I ask because maybe some answers to your situation can be found by reviewing the events that made you chose to have sex with another man.

Confused...you are starting too confuse me..understandably not that difficult...but...here's where I am confused...

You allude to these "issues" in your post and then focus right back on too technique and actions...

BUT the "issues" you are alluding to would appear to be huge factors in to why the sex is not what you consider up to par...

examples of red flags you toss then gloss over..

I know we have grown distant to eachother

why have you grown distant...

what is part do you play in this distance...
what have you done to change your actions that create/perpetuate this distance

Is it because we have so much built up resentment and anger that it blocks my thoughts that i need to enjoy myself and just let myself go during sex??

why do you resent and feel anger towards your husband?

you sound like my therapist

why do you have a therapist (you don't have to answer any or all of these..but I think these are the issues and not his technique...

his first need is sexual fuffillment and he wants it EVERY day
there is nothing wrong or bad about that...lots of men...people express there deepenst attachments and fullfillments in sexual expression

and it sounds sweet..he would like to make love to you every day....
see how parts are missing here why that's a bad thing...

I still need to tell him what I like in bed
so is he not trainable??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
have you tried different teaching techniques...

Anyhow the problem I am having is I would like to make love to my husband when I want to and not when I feel obligated to because it is his "NEED".

so if you never want to make love to him ..too bad for him...
marriage/partnership is ALL about filling eachothers needs...even sometimes when we don't want to...
what type of marriage is it when we are only gracious and giving when WE feel like it

and I realized I didn't have the hangups my husband use to accuse me of, when

what did he accuse you of..
how far ago in the past was this..
why are you clinging to things he doesn't do any more...
how do we move forward if we cling to the past mistakes/misunderstandings of our spouses?

he says I'm not meeting his needs and the marriage will suffer because of it but the marriage will suffer if I HAVE too.....

You can't have it both ways..if you desire a marriage/intimacy as you claim...then you HAVE to on some levels be willing to meet his needs..

Six months ago I had a 2 night stand
and what have you done to heal this issue..
for you
for him

all these really good things you somewhat reconize...

there are some people that would give anything to know the needs of their spouses...a n y t h i n g..,
don't look a gift horse in the mouth....
what a gift the two of have..to know eachothers needs...

I have a 4 and 5 yr old both boys and I work also, I don't have family near by to get a break and am tired most nights,

I am one of those that doesn't understand that concept...I work 12 hour shifts...have three kiddlets under the age of five...
I am tired...he's tired...in fact we are all tired except the four year old...

but I am also determined to make sure that I spend time with my husband after the kids are asleep...that I value and cherish him enough to look forward to nights with him...
that I and he spend some time together...

I think our marriage vows are not words...they are verbs...

ARK