This thread has been 'interesting',

As a former WS, I'd love the chance to have my exH want me, period!

For all of you who have cheated and yet your spouse forgives you and still WANTS you, I suggest you focus on the power of love and how magical it truly is. That might incite you to 'feel' some juices flow out of nothing more than deep admiration for your spouse's unconditional love for you.

Again, those of us who haven't been forgiven would love nothing more than a CHANCE to make love with our estranged spouses/exhusbands.

Quit feeling sorry for yourselves(end the pity party), let go, and experience the God-given pleasure with your spouses that the rest of us aren't enjoying!

You ought to be on your knees thanking God that your spouse does forgive you!

(That's the first time in almost a year here on MB that I've been THAT blunt! )

There's a saying in AA and basically it says that one should just 'act' before the action is truly felt. Why don't you try that, and see where it takes you. Concentrate on his pleasure, and enjoy.

H_P

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 01:07 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

Hmmmm.... Monty wrote that "If you really do love him, why don't you try turning your husband on for his pleasure." Did that make you want to retch? It would have made me throw up a few years back (no offense, Monty).

I would have amended the sentence in my mind to read, "why don't you try turning on your husband for his own pleasure, so you can feel raped and disgusted when he's done with you?" I think I know exactly where you are coming from, friend, but the good news is there is a path back to a loving, sexual relationship!

I, too, had a time when I did not want my husband to touch me, kiss me, or anything. And this was before the affair. We had lost intimate touch with each other and the last thing I wanted was this friendly stranger to be pawing at me and expecting me to respond as if I wanted him like a lover. And I was a woman who said I would never turn him away, even when I didn't feel like it (and that was rare, believe me!).

We became roommates, to say the least. He tired of my rebuffs and took to sleeping on the couch. I was relieved. I knew we had problems, but I figured if he was going to be a baby and sleep on the couch, well, I didn't want to waste my time trying to fix something that obviously couldn't be fixed.

How in the world did this happen? Life. Stress. Four kids, two jobs, the daily grind. I saw him going though life without accomplishing much and I lost respect for him. I began to seem him in a tarnished light and what I saw was unattractive. And I didn't have to put up with verbal abuse on top of it.

The point is, after the affair, we began to make more time for each other and we had to be honest about our feelings if we were going to reconnect to the happy, loving couple we'd been when we married 20 years ago. I erroneously thought if I revealed to him how I really felt about him that the marriage would be over because his fragile ego wouldn't be able to take the blow.

It didn't happen that way. As I revealed the things that disgusted me about him (in a loving way, mind you), he was able to corret some of my assumptions and my complaints against him began to fade away. At the same time, he had many truthful things to say to me that I had to also accept and work on. He'd been stuffing down all kinds of things, too, that weren't reflective of the real "me" but formed an ugly picture in his mind.

I hope this is making sense. I really was in your position and after the affair I figured it was just the perfect excuse to divorce him and still look pretty good myself. I mean, who would blame me?

But the more we talkes about the past, the more we saw how far we had fallen, the more we wanted to find out why. And the more honestly we talked, the more we discovered together, the closer we became.

Intimacy in our day to day relationship was the key for my sexual feelings toward my husband. once we reconnected, sex was easy and frequent! : )

We lost our way. You guys have lost yours. I suspect you still have resentment that he continued to lie about his affair when you bared your soul. Speak to him about that resentment, and anything else you suspect you have buried in order to "keep the peace."

Hugs to you. God bless.

I am new to posting on this site even though I have lurked for a long time. However, this thread caught caught my attention and I have to speak up!

Tuff... I have one word for you "selfish".

By not cutting your H loose you are being extremely selfish. From the way your post reads you need to let this man go so he can pursue happiness. You don't love him enough to be his wife....let him go!

I have a feeling that since you hate having sex with him that it must trigger memories of your A. All the emotional things that your lover provided for you that your H can't or you won't allow him to.

I'm sorry if this sounds rough...but based on the information you provided, you haven't worked through all your issues. You want the ephoria you had during your A, but you don't want to work at recovering that with your H.

I've noticed in this whole thread that you have not come back to respond to any of the postings. I wish you would, because there are some pretty informative heart felt postings that could help you. Come back and respond with more details, so we can continue to help you through this issue.

Good Luck!

I have read a lot of self-centered crap and selfishness written by spouses who are trying to justify a marriage where they get their PN's and/or EN's met by someone else, yet want to stay married and abstain from sex with their S or those that should divorce but won't for selfish reasons. I HAVE NO SYMPATHY, EMPATHY OR ANY THING ELSE FOR YOU!!!

Why did she stay in the marriage. She is a career woman. Worked late and long hours and didn't take the time to be with me or our D. She wanted a child so badly but didn't want to make the sacrifice to raise my D. She left it all to me to ferry my D from after school care, dancing, swimming, gynastics, music lesson. WW enrolled her in all these things and I did everything else. I did it willingly because I was committed to my W and my D. Now my D is just about driving age and I am not needed anymore for that. Do nice guys finish last? I not going to!

I have been in such a marriage for about the last 7 years. The first 12 years were great, then I had heart bypass sugery, it went badly and my lungs were damaged. I had difficulty with sex or any other strenuous active for years. I went into a depression and could see my wife withdrawing. She is self centered and seems to only look at things from her own perspective. There were a lot of indicators that made me expect she was having ONS's. I told her I felt we were having problems and wanted MC but she repeated said "I don't want anyone telling us how to run our marriage". Well, guess what; we didn't know how to run our marriage either. She was a great wife in good times but not in the bad.

Why didn't I leave? I loved her, I wanted her, I needed her. She would lead me on just enough to me to stay confident that one day things would be OK when I got better. Things didn't get better until I finally got a doctor to prescibe hormone replacement therapy. I experience dramatic and positive changes in my physical and mental health, but W already stated "she loved me, but like a brother". I suggested MC again again she refused and then finally left to "think things over". She started an A shortly after. She ran away from her commitment. She chose the easy way and started something new rather than fix our problems. But I do think that eventually she will have to pay up for her lack of morals and loyalty.

Her Half-A$$ed roll in sex is like emotional casteration for me AND her. She wants someone to make HER happy.

I'm not perfect and neither is she but the difference in us is; I took vows and I am committed, she took vows but they are not convienient. Do I love her; maybe. I love the woman she was, but not the woman she is. Do I forgive her? Yes. Will I forget? Not until I'm senile. I believe We could fix the lack of intimacy with proven methods. It would take work but I would do it because I am committed, my WW isn't and I can't do this by myself.

WHY DO I WANT TO??? Read the following from a Christian website:
QUESTION: "Can you please tell me if a husband/wife is supposed to stay in a marriage if you don't love him or her like a wife/husband according to what the Bible says about loving your mate? I love him/her but I'm not in love with him."

ANSWER: "Falling in love and being in love may be a nice feeling but it isn't the basis or foundation of a marriage. The basis and foundation of a marriage is a spiritual union and covenant between a man and a woman through a marriage ceremony before God."

I appreciate your replys. I haven't been able to reply yet... you see, my H has a spyware kit on our home computers and I don't have alot of opportunity at work to sit down and reply.

I'm going to read through the replies and respond. Thanks again for your concerns and comments.

Truly Madly- Why do I cringe when I kiss or hug... I'm not sure why. Perhaps the same reason I would do this if my brother or an uncle or someone like that crossed over the line. Bottom line, if I do this...its just for his benefit..and is THAT fair?

Pepperband - I see what you are saying..and believe me, I know i'm not being fair to him...but do I go ahead and DO this...when in my mind the whole time I'm thinking...."GAWD, when will this be over?!?" is this really fair?

DustKitty - Its been tough to have a chance to get on here to reply. H has a spyware program on the computers at home... I really don't have people to talk to about all of this. Work has been too busy to reply as well. But, I'm trying!

NewBranch - Well, I truly think the A was an effort to see if it was sex in general that I didn't want...or H.... and I found out that it was H. I ended up craving the sex with the OM...sigh...I know its something you guys don't wanna hear! Perhaps in my own way, even though the A has been over for a long, long time...i'm holding onto it and comparing it to H.

Pepperband - sorry, Monsignor...but i AINT kissing your ring!

TooMuchCoffeeMan - well, H even admits that things have been betterbetween us...but you are right...could be the calm before the storm.

Monty - funny thing with that is... i never felt comfortable doing that with H... felt like i was being bad or something...but with the OM...it was a craving! Ok, figure that out for me! Bring on the straight jackets!

TiredOfHurting - Thank you for your response. I think you understand alot of what I feel. It does pull up old feelings... and hurts. I needto somehow get past those; H has changed alot.

TossedWave - YOu are so right! H told me in the past that he had NO respect for me (this was way before any A's)... and would cut me down to where I would feel nothing. I shut off my feelings toward him so that I would just be numb with him.
H has changed and doesn't talk with me that way anymore...its just difficult to let go of all the years I allowed that to happen.

Confused and Lonely- MAN O MAN...yess, I feel the same way! I can relate...maybe i'm not the ONLY crazy one! thanks for the input!

Lost-without-her - I read the HisNeeds, HerNeeds WAY before any of this...probably 10 yrs ago..for a women's book-club deal... and NO, back then, my H would scoff at the idea of 'meeting needs'.

Snowbelle - wow, thank you for your reply.... yes, you have walked in my shoes, i believe. I will try the little things about reconnecting and see where it leads... but i cannot allow myself to feel 'raped'. Thanks again!

************************************************

Thanks for the replies... I know i'm fence-sitting, I know I am selfish... I keep hoping that in time... with more and more positive things happening in our marriage and fewer abusive things...that this will get better.

Fake it till I make it? Is that what I should do? Not sure I'm a good enough actress for that.

Thanks again...any more input would be great...I can't respond until sometime next week. Thanks

Yes, you can relate to Confused and Lonely...at one time I could have related to you as well. It requires growth and healing on YOUR part in order to get past the heebie jeebie feeling you are having. C&L is in the same rut you are. It's got nothing to do with being crazy...it's very Very VERY typical and understandable. If you don't know WHY you feel this way...it's your responsibility to figure it out. Because you are the only one who can.

As far as what's 'fair'...is it fair for your H to give up his sexuality because you don't want him? You need to find a way to make this lose-lose situation into a win-win.

Tuff,
I noticed that you didn't comment on my words to you.

I'll say them again. Perhaps you should be thanking the Lord that your spouse still wants you. Focus on him.

As a person who's divorced due to my infidelity, I'd love to have the chance you've been given with spouse.

Think on that.

The affair made you live in a fantasy world as far as sex/love go. Be glad you've still got your man!

God bless,
H_P

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">TLFM:

"H even admits that things have been betterbetween us...but you are right...could be the calm before the storm."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WS are not the only ones that lie you know. So make sure that there is truly something behind his statements to back up them up. WS turned BS have been lulled into the false beleif that their BS could never do what they did and they found out the hard way that this is simply not the case. If you don't care that he may become involved in an A(affair) of his own, then disregard my rants, BUT if you do care then please don't let this remain an issue that will fester and make him very vulnerable to have an A(affair) of his own.

Good luck and God bless.

Tuff

Glad you came back to respond to some of the heartfelt letters that were written. However, nothing in your response would cause me to change my original stance. You need to get whatever help you need to get through this issue or you need to cut him loose. You have stated several times how he has changed and worked on improving himself and your marriage. If you are not giving that same effort to recovery, then you have no one else to blame but yourself.

Having been on both sides, I can tell you how he feels. EMASCULATED! I don't care how strong he thinks he is, when temptation arises he will eventually give in. Hopeful_Person had good advice about wishing she had another chance with her spouse...that she wished her ex still loved her enough to try to be with her. Don't let that be you Tuff!

Good Luck

Tuff,

I'm not going to judge you for the way you feel. You have given me some insight into my WW. We have been in some kind of limbo, like you are for several years and there is little SF. I have been tried to be as good a H as I possibly can be, I was pretty terrific before and if you knew me you would understand that I do not brag about anything. I will tell you how I feel and maybe it can help you understand your H. I feel rejection, resentment and anger. I feel unloved, unwanted and in a way abused by her lack of interest. I have a fear of being alone and that is probably why I have stayed. I have been there through thick and thin for my W, and 2 weeks ago on a routine check up I found out my blood pressure was 230 over 110. I was at stroke level. My doc gave me some meds and it has come down, and I am sure there are other factors at work, but when I was rejected again last evening, I couldn't help but think this can't be helping. Our Anniversary is coming up this month, and I have decided that I will not spend another year with this situation. If this cannot be worked out, then I will decide to ask for a D. I do believe this situation is not only making my life a living hell, but it is taxing the living part of that statement. I am not suggesting your H will have these problems, but be straight with him for both your sakes. If your not happy please try to work it out, if not let him get the happiness he deserves. You owe it to both of you. Good Luck to you.

Tuff...

Where are you?....been trying to keep this thread alive til you could come back.