Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at
mbrestored@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 6 |
I found out that my husband had an affair with a married woman. We both know her husband and I have recently had some contact with him. I have neglected to tell him because I don't want him to come after my husband. They are no longer seeing each other and my husband and I are going to try to work it out. But part of me is still very angry at her and I want to tell her husband. Mostly so she doesn't get to have a happy life with him while she ruined mine. If her husband knew I'd for sure want him to tell me. Should I tell him? How should I go about it?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Your question was should you tell. The real question is HOW should you tell.
L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Yes, I believe you should tell him. He has a right to know this information - ABOUT HIS OWN LIFE - so that he can steps to protect himself from his W. It would be a kindness to tell him what is going on in his own life.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
P.S. Do you have proof of the affair? Even if you don't have hard proof, I would still tell him, just by imparting the straight facts.
I don't know how you should deliver the bad news, but I would do it in a way that cannot be intercepted by the OW. And you don't want to forewarn the OW or the WS or they will simply tell the story "her way" so that he never gets the truth and you come off looking like a nut.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
I would present it as a question on how what would he do or want done if he was in that situation? Make him the 3rd party recepitent and ask his opinion. Then let it go. He will think about it and maybe figure it out on his own.
If he doesn't than later you can ask further. Guys don't always want to know. Sometimes gals are that way also.
What is his character like? How well do you know this guy?
L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 6 |
The four of used to be friends are part of a larger group of friends. I have asked him what he would do, he says that he would tell him. He says that he would want to know. He also says that he wouldn't go after my husband, but I don't know him THAT well. One thing that I didn't mention before was that both of them have had affairs some that they have told and some that they haven't told. They have been married for 10 years and have two childern. Do you still think that I should tell him? I am nervous because I don't want him to attack (not physically, but verbally) me because I am the one standing in front of him when he finds out. I don't know if I can actually bring myself to tell him. I know how hurt I was when I found out, I don't know if I can bring myself to be part of another person's pain. Indirectly or not.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 6
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 6 |
Oh I am sorry, but I know about the affair because my husband told me.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
hurtwife, you have to expect that he is going to be hurt when he finds out. And be prepared to show some compassion. I mean, you can't use that as an excuse to not do the right thing. Doing the right thing is not necessarily the EASY thing, but you still do it. Just tell him, he needs to know the truth.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837 |
Before you do that, find redhat's sig line and read the 5 stages of grieving. That way you will have an aide to show him how to handle his feelings.
L.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 128
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 128 |
<small>[ August 21, 2003, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: jimtex1 ]</small>
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 128
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 128 |
Hurt, I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I hope you find peace. Please seek professional advice. It's difficult to make good decisions in the midst of such emotions. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But part of me is still very angry at her and I want to tell her husband. Mostly so she doesn't get to have a happy life with him while she ruined mine. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What are your true motivations for telling or not telling? Some will disagree, however, with respect to disclosure, motive and timing should be considered.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
408
guests, and
47
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,615
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
|
|
