I am 44, my wife of 2 years is 28. Both of us are childhood survivors of rather severe abuse. Hers sexual by stepfather, mine neglect and abandonment. We are both advanced degreed professionals and have had failed marriages before we met each other.
She has just moved out to live with her Grandfather after experiencing a mutually distancing relationship over the past few months. I have been insensitive to increasing her stress load (We own the business and I started coming in late and getting behind on paperwork.) but respectful of her need for more "space", staying at the ranch house instead of our condo for the same few months. I've been in counseling for over 10years and active in chemical dependency recovery. Her first therapy was one year ago for about 4 months, involved just her regarding childhood sex abuse. She is not an alcoholic.
I have experienced progressive withdrawal of my wife and been at the brunt of her rage attacks. She is better at finding things about me that piss her off than I am at anticipating, then avoiding these things. Our sex life has been extremely poor for the past year. I do my own housework, laundry and cooking.
She has refused to make time for a weekly relationship date/meeting. She refuses a vacation. It is very difficult to get her to be social. She looks and acts depressed, but refuses to accept this as a possibility. She says counseling may help, but refuses to participate in setting anything up together.
Two weeks ago I got caught in a flash flood at the ranch house and totaled our vehicle. I was fortunate to have survived. I was trapped there for three days, during which time she decided to tell me her plans to leave. After I got home, it took her another two weeks to depart. Now she says she made a mistake, but is choosing to stay with her Grandfather for now. She is attending al-anon and reading some book on sex and love addiction where she describes herself as an avoidance addict.
I am crushed, yet hopeful. She refuses to commit to returning to our marriage, yet acts interested. She calls me, tells me she loves me, etc. I am not aware of any infidelity, though early in our dating she was wayward, and has this history with past relationships.
I think much of this may relate to her past abuse. Some may be simply that she hasn't "found herself". I am confident in my love for her, but aware that she is who I want, while what I need is to be accepted and cared about, which was not happening in our marriage.
I am at a loss. I do not see how a relationship improves with separation. People may improve, but not the relationship. I am completely disrupted and have difficulty functioning where her plans are so vague, yet I am committed to do whatever it takes for marriage to work. While it would break my heart to have her divorce, I can respect her decision if it is simply that she has come to know herself better than when we married and she simply does not want to go through life with me.
I don't know what to do, how to act, what to say. I'm in my first week since she left of even being able to go out in public without crying. I do not even know what question to ask or what answers I am seeking. I just want my wife's love and her happiness.