Hi everyone. First post here. I have done a ton of reading on the site and I have found much of it very helpful. I'll briefly give my story here.
Back in november I became very unhappy with my marriage of 2 years. I fell out of love with my wife, and I didn't know how to tell her that. I wanted so badly to make things work and fall back in love with her, but I didn't know how. I didn't know what to do. We went through to January with things not getting better. In jan, I told her everything about how I had been feeling, which wasn't a huge suprise at that point. By then I had given up. I thought there was nothing I could do. I asked her to move out in Jan, and she did. She was crushed. Devastated. Wrecked. She said it was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. In Jan I also started talking to a female co-worker. It to me was just a friendship. Someone to talk to when things were rough. In early feb, at a very weak moment for me, I ended up sleeping with that co-worker. She and I both agreed afterward that it was a mistake. That we shouldn't have let things get out of control like that. I told my wife about it the very next day. She was again devastated. We talked a lot and I explained the situation and we decided to try and make things work between us. I swore I wouldn't talk to the co-worker anymore. Time went by, and things got a lot better for my wife and I. I fell back in love with her. Madly in love with her. During that time however I was still talking to the co-worker. I work close to her so there is really no avoiding her at work, though we didn't talk there unless it was about work. My wife works there as well, so she has to see her almost daily. While when talking to 'the other woman' she and I both agreed that we could have no future together, I still looked at her as a good friend and someone to talk to. She still wanted more out of it apparently, and she said so in an email. My wife found those emails two months later, just as I and the co-worker had decided not to talk anymore. Once again my wife was emotionally wrecked. She was crushed. I told her the truth, that I had no future intentions with the co-worker, and that I had during that time fallen back in love with her. She decided she was going to leave me. Now it was my turn to be devastated. She tried to leave me many times over the next few months. Each time I would do everything and anything I could to make her stay. She said she couldn't trust me, she couldn't forgive me, and that she couldn't even begin to forget. Things went on very badly for both of us (mostly me at this point) for a few more weeks. She then got better for a few weeks, she said things were starting to bother her less. I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy, to show her I would never hurt her again. So in late june we bought a house. Very shortly after she said she was very unhappy again, and couldn't go on. She went out nightly with her friends coming home very drunk. She said very mean things to me all the time. Those were definitley the worst times of my life. It was so hard to go on... Then she decided she was going to leave me. And she did. Again I was crushed. I was devastated. I didn't think I could do anything but die. She left me alone in a home that I cannot afford on my own, without anything. She moved out aug 17. Through the last few months I have tried everything and anything just to hope to make her see how much we could have together and how much I still love her and am in love with her. She did and said so many mean things to me during that time that my heart broke no less than 100 times. She did agree to help me with the bills for a while till I can figure out what to do.
Now things are a bit different. I have finally after four months came out of my depression. I have discovered that I can live without her. I still love her very much and want her to come home to me. Now she has come to understand just what she means to me, and that we could be so happy one day. The problem is, she says she cannot forgive me. She doesn't know how to even begin forgiving me. She says she did at one point forgive me for the sexual part of my mistake, but that when she found out I was still talking to the co-worker, it just made things 10X worse. Does anyone know how I can help her to forgive me? She says she wants to very badly. She wants to move on from this and grow from it and be happy with me, she just doesn't know how or if it is even possible. An answer to this question would make my life complete at this point. Even the smallest suggestions I will take to heart!
Thanx for reading all this. I guess it got kinda long. Any and all help is appreciated!

Skrewdriver,

It will take some time to rebuild that trust. She might forgive you now, but trusting you again is another matter entirely.

The thing that would bother me the most, if I were her, is your penchant to dump her when you fall "out of love." Kicking her out was a devastating breach of trust. Couples fall in and out of love MANY TIMES over the years so it is very UNREALISTIC to think that you will "feel" in love all the time.

Love is much more than a FEELING, it is a COMMITMENT. And I am sure she is leery of staying with someone who has not demonstrated that commitment in the past. It is very dangerous when marital love is based entirely on a feeling, because feelings ebb and flow and change daily. She probably feels that she is at the mercy of your feelings. What a horrible feeling.

You just can't base a marriage on feelings and it seems that you have done exactly that. She is not safe as long as you continue to view marriage in this way.

So, in addition to addressing this matter of commitment, I would suggest lots of patience and a plan that consists of tactics to prove your trustworthiness.

A good start would be to completely end ALL CONTACT with the OW by sending her a no contact letter. I would have your wife help you write the letter or at the least give her a copy of it. If the OW tries to contact you, ignore her and let your wife know.

Open up your life to your W, including giving her your email passwords, voicemail password, etc. That will go a long way in rebuilding trust.

I would read up on Marriage Builders principles and start practicing them right away.

Four Rules for a successful marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

P.S. And I would STRONGLY recommend counseling!

If you have done the reading on this site that you claim, then you know about the importance of NO CONTACT with the OW (other woman).

For recovery to begin you need to end ALL contact with the OW. Your W must know for sure you have ended it.

Question for you: why would you expect your wife to trust and forgive you when EVERY day you "rub her nose" in the A (affair by having contact with the OW)? Your actions are very disrespectful. What is your #1 priority, your W or the OW??

This OW is not a friend. Friends do not intrude or try to disrupt a M (marriage), they help support and protect it.

If you are serious about getting your W back then here are some suggestions:
-end all contact with the OW immediately and permanently! If that means looking for a new job, then do so!
-be accountable to your W. She should have access to all bank statements, credit card statements, access to email accts., access to cell phone records, your time etc., etc..
-send the OW a "No Contact" letter, let your W see it. There are lots of examples you can borrow from on this site.
-talk to your W and try to convince her to go to MC(marriage counselling) with you. If she won't go, then you start going alone.
-be truthful to your W about what happened and about your feelings. DO NOT LIE. Lying will set recovery back for months.
-start examining your own motivations. Why did your turn away from the M and towards the OW? Why were you unhappy? Did you do everything you could to try to make the M work before and after you strayed? How is your self-esteem? Did the OW fulfill some emotional needs that you have? Were your expectations of your W and your M realistic?
-recognize that self-esteem and happiness are conditions that we create for ourselves. No one can give them to us. You can run away for years and years, searching for happiness...only to realize that's it's a gift that your create for yourself.
-recognize that recovery from and A takes years, not a few months. It's hard work, it's emotional, it's painful...but, it can be worth it and make your M stronger, if you are willing to work at it.

In case you didn't know...Love is a verb and not a noun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ August 20, 2003, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>

I think you need to clear up a few things in your own mind first.

Forgiving does NOT mean forgeting what you did.

Forgiving does NOT mean trusting that you will never hurt her again.

Forgiving does NOT mean the end to her hurting heart.

Forgiving DOES mean she releases any claim she may have for revenge. She releases her anger. If this were a debt of money, forgiving means the debt does not have to be repaid once it is forgiven. The "IOU" is torn up.

Your W would be foolish to trust you at this point. You fall "in love" and fall "out of love" too easily. When you develop a more mature level of love, one that tolerates the normal ups and downs in a normal marriage ... then your W may feel you are trustworthy.

Here's a very STRONG suggestion .....

Get marriage counseling .... preferably from MB.

I think your M is salvageable .... but it's salvageability is mostly dependent on YOUR willingness to "do whatever it takes" ...

be consistent
be patient
be loving
be reliable
be honest
be willing to open yourself up to scrutiny
don't complain abut having to make amends

Become the best husband possible... woooooo the socks off her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Good luck!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I thank you all for the comments at this point. Please be aware that many of your suggestions I have done.
We did marriage counseling for a month maybe. My W decided she didn't want to go anymore. I still go to this day. I still try to get my W to go back, but she doesn't think it will help her. She says there are some issues she doesn't want to work on from her youth that the counselor was trying to help her resolve. I have an appt tomorrow morn at 9 am and I will definitely be making it.
I have ended all contact with the OW. I guess my earlier post was a bit inconclusive on that point. A better explaination was that up until a few days before my wife found out we had been talking, I had looked at talking to the OW as just a friend. I didn't talk to her in person, it was only in emails. As I said, we had decided not to have any more contact right around the same time my wife discovered the emails, and I certainly didn't plan on doing so. I haven't contacted her in months and she hasn't tried to talk to or contact me.
When my W found out we were still talking she had me call the OW and I left a message on her voice mail saying we shouldn't talk anymore, and that I didn't want to talk anymore for the sake of my marriage. My W was there when I did that. It was in august.
I have openned up my email accounts and phone and everything else I have to help show her that I am being open and honest.
As far as how I felt about falling in and out of love with her. It was her at the time that kept drilling it in me that I should always be feeling in love with her. That she didn't want to be with or be married to someone who wasn't 'in love' with her. I am completely open and honest about my feeling with my W. I don't hide anything. At this point hiding my feelings only seems like a way to lose more and to hurt more.
As I said before, her big issue is forgiving. Today was the first time that she actually said that she wanted to and wished she could forgive what I did. Before today she only said negative and hurtful things in that regard. I have been doing everything I could think of to make her see me as a happy/positive thing in her life (even when she was doing and saying very hurtful things to me). I plan to continue to do so.
Again. Thanx for yer advice so far! Anything else that you can add based on this will be appreciated as well!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Skrewdriver:
<strong>As far as how I felt about falling in and out of love with her. It was her at the time that kept drilling it in me that I should always be feeling in love with her. That she didn't want to be with or be married to someone who wasn't 'in love' with her. I am completely open and honest about my feeling with my W. I don't hide anything. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please tell me you aren't trying to justify your behaviour by saying that your W was "drilling" into you how you should or should not feel?!?! Grow up! As a mature man, you should be comfortable in your own skin, comfortable in your attitudes and beliefs and certainly confident in how and what you feel!

IMHO, both you and your W have immature views of what love is. As I said before, love is an action and not a thing. Love also changes, it isn't always passionate or intense. Sometimes love is just...comfortable.

Didn't hide anything?? Ummm, didn't you hide your relationship with the OW? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It has been your hiding things that got you into this position in the first place!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Skrewdriver:
<strong>
At this point hiding my feelings only seems like a way to lose more and to hurt more.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are correct, if you hide you will lose and hurt alot more. Recovery is a leap of faith. There are no guarantees. You take a risk, you may get hurt or you may discover that you have a much better relationship in the long run.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Skrewdriver:
<strong>
As I said before, her big issue is forgiving. Today was the first time that she actually said that she wanted to and wished she could forgive what I did. Before today she only said negative and hurtful things in that regard. I have been doing everything I could think of to make her see me as a happy/positive thing in her life (even when she was doing and saying very hurtful things to me). I plan to continue to do so....
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First, forgiveness takes time. Lots of things need to be "sorted out" in her head before forgiveness can happen. Second, like love, forgiveness is a choice, an action, something we diecide to do. It doesn't just "magically" happen.

Instead of always trying to be happy and positive (which can be misconstrued by a BS as you just "getting over it" and "moving on" too easily) try to be honest about what you learned about yourself. Tell her why you had the A. Tell her how you feel about yourself now. Tell her what you've learned about yourself in your MC sessions.

If you really want your M to work you are going to have to be the vulnerable one for awhile. Until your W feels safe with you she will not open up. In the beginning of recovery it may be up to you to do all the work for awhile. This shouldn't be a permanent situation but initially you need to show her you can change, show her that form now on she will be safe and cherished with you.

<small>[ August 21, 2003, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: mgm ]</small>