Well folks, I truly know what that expression now means - adding insult to injury.

Just to remind you of a talk with YSD from my last post.

"She told me that she thinks I am happier without him. She thinks I am independent and strong, and her Dad needs someone to need him and he is needy too (huum, I wonder what happens when the worm turns, sounds like he needs someone to control if you ask me....). She told me that whilst I like a bargain, I'm prepared to pay for nice things or splash out if it's deserving but Dad is "Pound man"! (That made me laugh). It's funny how clever and accute a 14 year old can be."

So, these last few days I have been with my Mum who had an operation for varicose veins. Mum is doing well, although trying to get her to rest is a bit of a problem. We spent some good time together and my sister was there for the first day which was nice too as we spent time together.

My sister said to me "Lisa, imagine the lowest low slung bellied snake, and then imagine your X limbo-ing underneath it with ease. That is how low he can go...."

Well, with my dilemma on whether or not to pursue the money I feel he has conned from me in terms of our financial settlement, and wanting to finalise things, I was visiting a town near my Mum's and had a thought. I was wearing my engagement ring on my right hand and thought I would get it valued with a view to either selling it to raise some cash or maybe using the stones to set in another ring.

Imagine my horror, shock, disappointment, upset whatever to be told that my "diamond" engagement ring is actually nothing more than fake cubic zarconia and worth probably no more than £50 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I mean, how low can this man go????????

When he bought it for me he told me it was real - it had been a surprise Christmas 1994, and to find out that it was in fact nothing more than "tat" is deeply offensive and sick making. I actually went to a second jeweller because I couldn't quite believe it. X had told me he had bought it from a "proper jeweller", but the second jeweller told me that any reputable establishment would not have sold it as diamonds. I mean, if he had said something like I can't afford a real one yet, but will you take this for now, I was hardly likely to throw it back in his face.....

So, I have 2 options.

1. Send it to Shiney Head with a note saying "Ths is fake, so is he, beware" or

2. Send it to X with a note saying "You saved a few quid on this, you might like to save a few more and give it to Shiney Head"

I know, neither are terribly grown up, but what a completely sh***y thing to do. Even my sister said to me she was shocked and she thought nothing more could possibly shock her.

So friends, my decision about whether to take the cash matter further has in part been answered - what an earth is the point, when this man can stoop no lower? This is the evil "Pound Man" at his best - cartoon character? Absolutely, pathetically yes. Do I want anything else to do with him? Absolutely no no no no....

What more can he possibly do? Answers on a postcard and send to LIL c/o MB <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for the vent.
Lisa

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 10:11 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Lisa -

Perhaps it's terrible of me, but after all the awful things that I've read about in the last few days, your post about Pound Man just had me rolling with laughter. What an awful, terrible thing to do. And so SMALL of him! There's so much great pain in the world; why bother doing something so petty and hurtful just to save a bit of money!

My advice is to give the ring to a second-hand charity store. I'll bet there is some poor person who would love to have a ring like that, just to feel pretty. Better to do good with it than to re-enter the fray with Shiney Head and Mr. Pound. (How's that for the name of a cartoon everyone would watch?)

Wow, Lisa! That is insult to injury, for sure. Did he think you'd never find out? That is to say we all have to have our rings adjusted, cleaned, etc. I had a new head put on mine once. Did he think he could get away with it forever?

I am one to say "Take the high road." Just file this knowledge away on your list of 'cons' concerning the man. When you're feeling weepy and sad about your lost marriage, pull the list out and review this insult and others again. As was suggested, donate it to a charity.

If you absolutly can't do that and you have to do something, then perhaps you could send it to him with a note that says, "Dear Richard Burton <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (remember all the jewels he bought E. Taylor--just joking, use his name!) : I took this ring to have it cleaned. In light of its inherent value of which I was never aware before, I feel overly greedy in keeping it. Please accept it back along with my feelings of appreciation for all of your generosity, including the generosity of giving me this fine engagement ring."

Lisa, one never knows. Perhaps he was swindled, too. He may think it's real.

Take care and let us know what happens.

Your friend,
HP

<small>[ August 24, 2003, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: hopeful_person ]</small>

J and H_P

Happily you will know that I too was rolling with laughter when I read your lovely messages of support and humour.

J you are absolutely right, there are much worse things on this board every day, and this is just a long list of pettiness, lies, manipulation and cruelty by my X. Mr Pound is a good cartoon name to go alongside Shiney Head. I actually like the idea of a charity shop, someone somewhere would probably appreciate it. I have to say I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I found out, and after a few tears, I do keep laughing about it - it is absolutely absurd and so very ridiculous. Thank you for reminding me of the very real problems people have here, with a lovely solution to this latest blip of mine.

H_P, oh yes, I think I could write the note and use Richard Burton too, goodness, wouldn't that make him squirm!!!! What a wonderful tongue in cheek way to address it. Far more subtle that my terrible ideas of "revenge". Thank you absolutely brilliant idea!! Yes, maybe he was conned too, but somehow, with all his other recent lies and stuff, I kinda of doubt it.

Thank you both again, I am off out now with a chuckle in my heart and a light spring in my step!

Lisa

All I can think of is, what an A$$ your ex is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

But that point was well established a LONG time ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Karen

p.s. I'm glad that you're able to laugh about it Lisa. But yes indeed, that must hurt so much. I can understand how it is, when the reality of what we THOUGHT we had in our M's keeps whacking us in the face, years after the fact. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Apparently this makes us stronger or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> But we'll be just fine.

p.p.s. Why not give the ring to the 14 yr old who nicknamed her dad in the first place? Depending on her taste in jewelry (after all, she is 14 ... lol )... she could have it. Just another thought for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Karen

Thanks for your thoughts. At least with me, I don't have to deal with the things you do with your STBX - now that stuff really is shocking!!!

I think the girls would be pretty shocked to know the truth, and I already have to control myself when they say things about him, because I really don't want to slag him off to them. He is after all their Dad, and even though ESD said she takes everything he says with a pinch of salt, she and YSD are still very loyal to him.

Yup, right too about what a donkey's bottom he is - I just keep wondering when this stuff will stop. My Mum thinks he may have a secret love child <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> because she can think of no other reason for his poor financial stuff. Gosh, wouldn't that be crazy to find out!!

Hope you're doing OK Karen, I'm thinking of you.

Lisa

There are all kinds of secrets that I can think of that would lead to a bad financial situation. Whatever it is, when you find out about it, you'll either laugh or cry, I bet.

Another thing you could do with the ring is to just toss it in the trash. Is he really worth this much of your mental space, after all? In the end, wouldn't it be better for you, and for all of us, to get as much of the mental clutter our spouses left lying around and toss it out?

I know I'm finding great joy in slowly getting rid of the physical clutter of our life together. Not the cherished keepsakes (though some of them are now put away), but some of the stuff is just pure clutter. And that I'm revelling in getting rid of.

There's much more to be done, but it's quite cleansing for the soul, I find.

The silver lining that comes with the zirconia .....

you not only found out the value of the ring, but the value of the man as well.

no more second-guessing .... it's like having a lid placed firmly on any lingering doubts .... and tightening the lid to a vacuum pressure .... no more leaks of "what if?" thinking on your part......

a dead fish is a dead fish ....

donate it to charity <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Lisa,
I'm glad I made you laugh a bit.

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and thanks so much for all the help you've given me and so many others here.

Hopeful

Lisa!
What a fantastic story. I mean, it only proves the point that you did the right thing divorcing this mean character. Indeed: How low can one go? The only grievance I would have in your place is to ask myself - how come you didnt notice these things before?? But that's all water under the ol' bridge, and apart from that, try and have a laugh about the whole diamond ring episode. Reading it, I found it actually funny (sorry)! I mean, really....
Nick

Dear All

Thanks again for your support and wise words.

Nick, you know what, I think I did notice a lot of things, but when you're M'd you just put them to one side. You tend to ignore certain things. I think really, the thing I should never have ignored is the violence. I'm glad you too had a laugh at this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm glad my strange situation lightens the discussion board - actually, I too laugh about it now, after the initial upset. I also wanted to let you know I read your thread, and am glad things are going better for you. I will retrieve it and comment to you directly.

H_P - I really really did like your suggestion and note. Although I feel Pep and J have it right about charity if I can rise above. I'm glad I've been able to help you, because sometimes I truly think I just don't have a clue about anything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pep - ah you are so very right. I need to put a lid on this with no leaks. I honestly think the "What ifs?" have gone, it is just all the new items that still manage to surprise me. I don't know why, because as you say, I have been finding out the value of this man quite consistently over the last month or so. I don't know what else he can do..... BTW, love your new sig line!

J, you too are right about mental clutter. I have a friend who gets very upset for me because he hates to see the way that X can still get under my skin. I think I am waiting to get the house re-mortgaged and then, the physical clutter will go (including some re-decoration and new furniture), and with that, I think alot of the mental clutter too. I still waste too much energy on this man, and I think you are absolutely right about letting this go.

I have actually made a decision. I am not going to pursue the money issue any more. I am absolutely certain that X signed a legal document saying he had no intention of co-habiting and this was a complete lie. I do not believe that you make that sort of decision in a matter of weeks, particularly given the supposed difficulty he had in terms of trust issues. I am going to tell my Solicitor, and then I am going to e-mail X. I am going to tell him I am blocking his e-mail address and deleting his phone number and suggest he does the same. I will tell him I know about all of his recent lies and manipulation, and that he can no longer do this to me as we are DV'd. I will tell him that I know about the ring. I will tell him that if he needs to contact me at all, he should do so through my Solicitor. I will also wish him well, peace and happiness in his life. I am then going to let it go. I will also tell the girls that unless it is really urgent or important, I would rather not talk to them about their Dad as it is time for me to move on.

And folks it is. I have actually been "dating" someone for a couple of weeks. He is a Yank actually, but I don't hold it against him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I have never quite met anyone who I just get on with so easily and so well. We have lots in common, and I like him. The only negative really is that it feels a bit too much too soon. In some ways I wish I had met him in 6 months or a year. I don't feel ready to engage with anyone in more than a very casual sort of manner, but I think we are both clear about that. I ask nothing of him except honesty. For now, we enjoy each other's company, and that's good enough for me.

Thank you everyone. I will keep you posted about my mail to X

Lisa

<strong>

He is a Yank actually,

</strong>

OMG Lisa, you know what you're doing here??? You want your children to speak with a horrible accent or what???

Now now Nick!!!! Anyways, I said, I don't think it will be possible to engage with this fella right now, however lovely he is.

Lisa

Lisa...

leave a short blip in your next email or contact with husband...

tell him..

the lawyer mentioned that a common practice in settlements these days.....is that

He gets the ring back...
You get half the value in CASH...
state that lawyer/you would be expecting...
----.00$$ in cash to settle the whole ring issue... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

pick a big number Lisa..show how much you do believe in the old him and his actions...

ARK who can't help herself sometimes...the coffee hasn't quite kicked in...give me a minute...and i will get more rational <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Ooooooh, what a good idea! See how far he's willing to let the lie go. He'll have a choice, pay it, or admit to you the truth and not pay it. I wonder if he'll gloat to the OW about how he's had you...and in effect showing to her his true colors too. Interesting!!

Ark - If the coffee hasn't even kicked in yet, I think that is truly inspired!!! I do like this answers on a postcard idea, because my dear MB superstars are coming up with some brilliant thoughts. Mind you, I have telephoned my Solicitor and told him I don't want to take anything further. He thinks it is wise. He told me I had made the right decision.

SHMI - you are right about how far he would go. I honestly think he believes himself, and the things he says. I truly do. I KNOW he would say that he had been conned. But as the jeweller told me, no reputable establishment would sell it as diamonds.

Anyways, I am going along the lines of charity shop or bin. Both good ideas, but as I say I like this game of ideas. Perhaps I should say, there is a prize for the best idea - you know, it could be a fake diamond ring to the winner <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Oh boy, I'm really making myself laugh now!!!!!!

Lisa

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Lisa in London ]</small>

Hey Nick - your comment about Lisa's new beau being a Yank is unfair - I resemble that comment!

Hugs,

BB

PS: Lost your e-mai addy or I would have e-mailed to see how you were doing. Glad to see from your recent post that you are making progress.

Alright, if it's a contest...

Send it to the OW anonymously with a loving note signed "Your secret love".

SHMI - naughty naughty, but I like it. Mind you The Evil Pound Man would probably recognise it. Nice idea, you may still be in the running for a beautiful cubic zarconia ring!!

Lisa

Hi Lisa,

I think I see you starting to open up again after a long period of introspection. If I was the DR here, I think I would say that I think I see a few scars still. Still, you are improving from week to week, and I have faith in a full recovery in TIME.

I have actually made a decision. I am not going to pursue the money issue any more. I am absolutely certain that X signed a legal document saying he had no intention of co-habiting and this was a complete lie. I do not believe that you make that sort of decision in a matter of weeks, particularly given the supposed difficulty he had in terms of trust issues. I am going to tell my Solicitor, and then I am going to e-mail X. I am going to tell him I am blocking his e-mail address and deleting his phone number and suggest he does the same. I will tell him I know about all of his recent lies and manipulation, and that he can no longer do this to me as we are DV'd. I will tell him that I know about the ring. I will tell him that if he needs to contact me at all, he should do so through my Solicitor. I will also wish him well, peace and happiness in his life. I am then going to let it go. I will also tell the girls that unless it is really urgent or important, I would rather not talk to them about their Dad as it is time for me to move on.

That is exactly what I was going to suggest. I couldn't have said it better. I think it really is time for you to forgive yourself. I think if you can quit thinking about the pound man, that it will be much easier to do. One of the things that we learn at MB is that to get over another person, it helps to have NC with them. That goes for thinking of them, and talking about them. I believe your idea is very sound, and that you ought to start right now.

Things you could think about instead:

This yank you were telling us about. Full disclosure would be nice, after all, do you want us to worry? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SD's. They are worth your time for sure.

Lots more, but I have to do one more post and be gone in five minutes.

Thanks for just being Lisa, I enjoy talking with you.

SS