It's been awhile since I've posted. I had to move back into my parents' house and I returned to work after a leave of absence. But for the past 2 weeks my H and I have been getting along wonderfully. No arguing, no yelling. I was feeling like things were looking up for our relationship to be restored. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Today, he told me he just doesn't want to be with me right now. That he wants to be with the OW. That my leaving him drove him to his A, and that he is going out with her, she is his girlfriend. But, he also told me that he doesn't want to divorce just yet. "If" it doesn't work out with them, then we can see about us. He told me he doesn't care that I am hurt. I hurt him, I "blew his mind" when I left him. He said he wishes he could "blow my mind" like that. I told him he has, and then some.

How can this man, that I thought I knew, turn out to be so cruel? How can he just throw away 14 years of love?

The reason I am here is because I am feeling like maybe it's not God's will to restore my marriage. Maybe God has something better for me, even though I don't see it now. But the way I feel about my H is that I would wait for him a lifetime if it means we'll be together. I love him more than I ever have before. This separation from him has opened my eyes to my own sins against him in our marriage. It has made me see how much I took him for granted, and how I made him feel insecure and worthless at times. Most importantly, it has made me realize just how deeply I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Only, for him, it pushed him away. For him, it made him want someone else. For him, it makes him hate me.

What I don't understand is why he won't let me go? If I am not what he wants, why does he call me to tell me he's thinking about me and misses and loves me? Why does he say little things that mean he wants to maybe reconcile? When I ask him why, he says because he loves me and he says there is possible hope for us later on, but not right now. Right now it's all about her.

Could it be that God doesn't want us to reconcile? I've heard people say that divorce isn't God's will. But what if it's God's will? What if God doesn't think that my H is the right one for me? My H and I have had a rocky M, to say the least. It was far from normal. He had an A early in our M. I dealt with physical abuse, verbal abuse, and drugs at one point. We overcame them all. We made it through those storms. But this....this is the worst we both have ever been through. And I believe he is still hurting and angry for me leaving him. He denies the A before I left. But he "asked her out" the very day I left him. So, that leaves me to believe that even if it wasn't a physical relationship, there was something there.

I have done everything I can (except Plan B) to win him back. I know I should do plan B, but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that, or if I ever will be. I know I will answer the phone when he calls. I don't have to worry about him showing up at my house, because I live with my parents, but we have a child and that means I will need to talk to him. He has even said that maybe we should only see each other or talk to each other when it comes to our S. But I'm not even sure he could do that.

We are still having a sexual relationship. No matter how much I tell myself I won't do it, I still do. I crave the closeness I feel to him when we are together that way. Then today he told me he does it for me. Like he's providing for me, taking care of my needs. I almost wonder if he's afraid that I will look for it somewhere else if he's not doing it. Before, he said he wanted to make love to me because he loves me, now it's just for my benefit.

Please pray for us. Please pray for me to be strong and patient. I am so afraid that I'm losing him to her. And I can't bear the pain of being rejected over and over. I don't know what I'd do if he ever told me it's over for good. I think I would lose it for sure then.

Deeply -

Sounds like you're having a pretty rough time. I haven't read your previous posts, so I'm only going to comment on what's in this one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was feeling like things were looking up for our relationship to be restored. But I was wrong. So very wrong. Today, he told me he just doesn't want to be with me right now. That he wants to be with the OW. That my leaving him drove him to his A, and that he is going out with her, she is his girlfriend. But, he also told me that he doesn't want to divorce just yet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds to me like he's being a classic cake-eater. He's got both of you, and you're both sleeping with him. It works for him in all kinds of different ways, including that you're the "backup" if things don't work out.

The question is, does that work for you? If it doesn't, then it looks to me like you're in a prime situation where Plan B needs to happen. You're doubting whether your marriage can survive, and whether it's right for it -to- survive. If you're at that place, you're starting to be as much a danger to it as he is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He told me he doesn't care that I am hurt. I hurt him, I "blew his mind" when I left him. He said he wishes he could "blow my mind" like that. I told him he has, and then some.

How can this man, that I thought I knew, turn out to be so cruel? How can he just throw away 14 years of love?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not pretty, but when someone is terribly badly hurt, they can lash out in their pain, trying to make others hurt as badly as they do. They feel, in their pain, that if someone else is hurting like they are, they'll feel better. It doesn't generally work, but I think just about everyone feels that way at one point or another. It takes a long, long time to recover from deep hurts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The reason I am here is because I am feeling like maybe it's not God's will to restore my marriage. Maybe God has something better for me, even though I don't see it now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God almost certainly has things in mind for you that you don't see. Some of 'em are going to hurt like heck, some are going to be wonderful. And you have absolutely no idea whether your H is included in that picture. Nobody does, not even your H. No one knows the future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But the way I feel about my H is that I would wait for him a lifetime if it means we'll be together. I love him more than I ever have before. This separation from him has opened my eyes to my own sins against him in our marriage. It has made me see how much I took him for granted, and how I made him feel insecure and worthless at times. Most importantly, it has made me realize just how deeply I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. Only, for him, it pushed him away. For him, it made him want someone else. For him, it makes him hate me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's funny how these things work. It's darned difficult to get both people realigned so that they want to recover a marriage after a hard, hard time. It doesn't mean that it's impossible.

But the question for me is, how are you going to approach it? How long have you been meeting his needs? Are you meeting them as fully as you can?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I don't understand is why he won't let me go? If I am not what he wants, why does he call me to tell me he's thinking about me and misses and loves me? Why does he say little things that mean he wants to maybe reconcile?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because he does love you both. He's got a great situation here. He's got his girlfriend AND his wife running around at his beck and call. Why would he want to change it? It works for him, even though it also causes him difficulty. He does think about you, he does love you. But he also loves the OW. You meet different needs, or maybe you meet the same needs and he gets LOTS of needs met for very little investment in meeting your needs, or in the OW's. You and the OW are competing against each other to meet your H's needs, and he's reaping the benefits. All he has to do is balance the two of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When I ask him why, he says because he loves me and he says there is possible hope for us later on, but not right now. Right now it's all about her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uhm, he's SO stringing you along! He may mean every word of it, but jeepers, he's also in a great position here!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could it be that God doesn't want us to reconcile? I've heard people say that divorce isn't God's will. But what if it's God's will? What if God doesn't think that my H is the right one for me? My H and I have had a rocky M, to say the least. It was far from normal. He had an A early in our M. I dealt with physical abuse, verbal abuse, and drugs at one point. We overcame them all.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Never second guess God. You'll be wrong every time. All you can do is the very best that -you- can in the world. Don't be a pushover, don't be a control-freak. Love where you can, and accept that sometimes love is very, very tough.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We made it through those storms. But this....this is the worst we both have ever been through. And I believe he is still hurting and angry for me leaving him. He denies the A before I left. But he "asked her out" the very day I left him. So, that leaves me to believe that even if it wasn't a physical relationship, there was something there.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Probably an EA, if not a PA. Guys don't get that EAs are bad, too. In fact, many guys have NO CLUE why women get so crazed about EAs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have done everything I can (except Plan B) to win him back. I know I should do plan B, but I don't know if I'm emotionally ready for that, or if I ever will be.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's the question to think about. Are you resisting Plan B because of -him- or because of -you-? Sounds to me like you're afraid (and rightly so!) of what might happen in Plan B. You might very well lose your husband.

But you will also gain your -self- back. Plan B is about focusing on you, rather than on your husband. What are you going to find when you focus on yourself? Are you going to like yourself?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I will answer the phone when he calls. I don't have to worry about him showing up at my house, because I live with my parents, but we have a child and that means I will need to talk to him. He has even said that maybe we should only see each other or talk to each other when it comes to our S. But I'm not even sure he could do that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like you've got some planning to do, and some thinking to do, before you implement Plan B. Maybe a fair bit of both. How do -you- want it to work? Remember that Plan B is about you, not him!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are still having a sexual relationship. No matter how much I tell myself I won't do it, I still do. I crave the closeness I feel to him when we are together that way. Then today he told me he does it for me. Like he's providing for me, taking care of my needs. I almost wonder if he's afraid that I will look for it somewhere else if he's not doing it. Before, he said he wanted to make love to me because he loves me, now it's just for my benefit.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't believe anything he says. Don't believe that he's doing it just for you, and don't believe that he loves you. Don't believe ANY of it. Some of it is probably completely true. In the moment, he probably believes that it's all true. But he's in a huge flux right now, and your head will turn all the way around if you try to follow his logic.

If YOU can continue a good Plan A, complete with sex and all the other things that meet his needs, and if you WANT to continue Plan A, go for it.

But if you're only resisting Plan B because it's easier let yourself believe his promises and manipulation, uhm, STOP! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please pray for us. Please pray for me to be strong and patient. I am so afraid that I'm losing him to her. And I can't bear the pain of being rejected over and over. I don't know what I'd do if he ever told me it's over for good. I think I would lose it for sure then.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've got my prayers! And lots of other people's, too, I bet. And if you can't bear the pain, then stop exposing yourself to it! Take a biiiiiiiiiiig breath and realize that you're the one who's allowing yourself to get hurt. He's playing you against her and using your own fears against you.

And yes, you CAN bear it if it's over forever. You CAN let go. And you WILL live, even if you feel like you won't.

I know. I've done it.

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: J of HJK ]</small>

Hey,

Good you posted here. I think J of HJK posted some very good points. I jsut wanted to add a couple of my own.

1. You have my prayers also. I am finding that a Christian without a true prayer life is defenseless. Prayers for others and more importantly, prayers for ourselves as we have that intimate relationship with Jesus. Go to Him now and spend time with Him. Then you will KNOW what His will is.

2. You kept asking that you didnt know what God's will is for your marriage, that maybe HE doesnt want the two of you together. Well, God does say that He "HATES" divorce (Malachi 2). How many times in the Bible do you read where God HATES something. He didnt say dislike or doesnt prefer...HE said "HATES." That alone should provide you with enough information to tell you what God''s will is.

Someone reminded me on this board a long time ago (in the middle of my wife's A) that if I was waiting for God to tell me to divorce my wife, that I would be waiting a long time (even though she was committing adultery). God will NEVER, EVER tell you or want you to divorce your husband. This is why you have the feelings you do for your husband, even though he is committing adultery.

Jesus does go on in Matthew to say that you are "permitted" to divorce due to marital unfaithfulness. PERMITTED. That means YOUR choice, not HIS. But what does HE say the reason is for permitting this. Because of the hardness of your hearts. Now, was HE talking about the WS? Nope. HE said the BS is permitted to divorce the WS due to marital unfaithfulness, due to the BS's hardness of their hearts. What does HE mean by that? HE means that the pain of the A and the betrayal is SOOOO extreme (it has been measured that the pain from adultery is akin to the loss of a child) that some can not overcome it (thus they cannot find the love for their spouse through the pain) and their heart has become hard to what God's real plan is.

HE is the God of reconciliation, of forgiveness...of LOVE. That is HIS nature. HE will never go against that nature. So, when asking what HIS will is for you and your marriage, first remember who HE is and what HE has said, then you will know what HE doesnt want you to do.

But how does that help you do what you are supposed to do? Well, that is where your prayer life, Bible Study, Christian counseling, etc come into play. All of this will help guide you through this. The MB principles dovetail COMPLETELY with what God says about marriage, infidelity, relationships, reconciliation, etc.

What you need to do now, IMO, is take the time now to get in fellowship with HIM. Get counseling, get your prayer life and Bible study where it should be. Once you do that, I think you'll find the answers to all of these questions.

And one other note. If your husband is a Christian, then you have to know that God is not going to let him stay in rebellion. So, it might be good to not be too near him while he rebels against God. "It is a terrible thing to fall into the Hands of the Living God." That passage was not meant for unbelievers...it was meant for Christians who are in rebellion.

So, go to Him and ask Him to help you, to guide you. Much of what you are asking now...the answers are already available.

My prayers are with you, your family in this. I also pray that God will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to bring your husband out of rebellion if he is a Christian. If he is not, then I will pray that this event in his life will lead him to our Savior.

In His arms.

Whoa! Mortarman. Your post just gave this Christian a healthy shot of HOPE!

DH,
Look at what your H is trying to make you believe:

--You left so he thought he should screw around.
--the woman to screw around with was amazingly available and agreeable to his plan.
--You hurt him, he wants to hurt you worse.
--He wants the OW, but not enough to divorce you.
--He might want you later if it doesn't work out with her.
--He has sex with you, because he's providing for your needs (what happened to wanting to make you suffer?)

He's one confused guy and he doesn't make a lot of sense.

For the moment, ignore his reactions. Focus on the Plan A behaviors (that's if you want Plan A), no lovebusters, being cordial. But, don't run his errands, or give him money for his household. Sex is up to you, if you feel ok about it and use protection, it is meeting a need and, he is your husband. If you start to feel whorish and miserable, then don't.

God is against divorce, he is against families breaking up. You can count on that. Your H may continue in his doublemindedness, but you can trust that God has good plans for you, no matter what your H chooses to do.

Lots of good advice here.

All I can add is Work on Plan A first. Then move to Plan B in time.

Plan B doesn't work without Plan A.

As for the sex issue. Stop having it with him. Next time he trys to have sex tell him you don't feel comfortable given that he's with someone else and just can't be with him. He will be shocked trust me.

That will show him you have some boundrys, self respect and may be pulling away from him.

Start working on yourself. Get stronger.

Get the affair out in the open if it isn't all ready.

Wow! You guys are great! Mortarman, that was truely inspiring. What you said really I've known all along. I just get so insecure sometimes, and don't know what to think. But what you said is true.

I am starting to pull away from my H. Not because I don't want reconciliation, but because it is just too hurtful to be around him anymore. I've told him that. I dropped my S off at his house, and went inside to help him with his school things, and my H was outside. As I left I waved and said bye to my H. He yelled wait. He comes up to me and said, what you don't want to see me or say hi to me. That's when I told him it was too hurtful to be around him since he's told me he doesn't want me. He totally changed the subject by saying, God, you're beautiful when you look at me like that. I said please don't do this to me, and I got up and said I have to go. And I left.

I am not going to let him play mind games with me anymore. Either he wants me or he doesn't. Either way, I am now going to take the time to take care of me. And hopefully, he will come to see that I am what he wants. I even told him, when he called me after I left, that when he decides that I am the only woman he could ever love and the only woman he wants in his life, then I can see him.

We'll see...

Thank you all for responding. It means so much!
God bless.

Good for you DH.

That was the same reaction you would have got had you withheld sex from him.

You pulled away and were strong, not emotionaly tied to him. And he was confussed, shocked and tried to flirt with you to gain your time and regain control of what was going on.

Now stay strong and keep your distance but Plan A when you can for a while. Let him see what you can be as part of the Plan A. Then when you feel the time is right go Plan B on him.

I know this sounds improper but play the game. Control the game. Plan A - get strong yourself, show him the woman you can be and the changes your making, flirt a little, smiles, long glances
but nothing physical. Each time he sees you and you go separate ways leave him thinking that your differant, changed, hot. Become the OW in his life.

Then when you go Plan B he will be left with the perfect image of you and will not have you anymore.

Well, since I'm not a Christian, there's no way that I could've posted what Mortarman did. I hope it helped you, DH! Me, well, it just kinda left me blinking. I think I learned more about Christianity in practice in the last five minutes than I have in the last 35 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway. On to the real point of this post. DH, you said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He totally changed the subject by saying, God, you're beautiful when you look at me like that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think he WAS changing the subject. What you heard just then was admiration and respect for your strength in that moment.

Now, I don't think it'll last, any more than anything else does in a fog-bound spouse. But I think that's what you heard. And you'll hear the same thing when he reacts angrily -- either way, he's learning to respect your boundaries, your limits, and your strength.

So stay strong! You know what you want, you know what you won't accept, and you know how to say no. Focus on that. Even in Plan A, you can focus on that.

Deeply Hurting

I am going to bump up one of my very old threads for you to read .... it is something that I had to work out in my mind when I was trying to make sense out of the MB Plan A theory.
The thread is called This is the PLAN A question .... "Who the heck ARE you?"

Take care ... hang in there baby .... you will survive this.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Did you see the thread I bumped up for YOU?

I can do another bump, if you'd like.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Pepperband,

Yes, I did see the bump...thank you so much! It really makes a lot of sense, but, I have come to terms with the reality of my situation: he is choosing the OW, my marriage is over, and now I have to take care of myself.

I am going to file for divorce as soon as I get the money together. He has made no effort towards reconciling, so why should I continue to try? He doesn't even care when I told him that it was over...he said what's over?...and I said we are, you've lost me. He said, alright. Of course, the OW was there. I said you don't even care that you've lost me and he said, yeah I do. But I don't believe him. I don't believe anything he says to me anymore.

So, now it's time for me. I am joining the health club the hospital I work for owns, and am going to take yoga classes. I am also thinking about taking karate classes. And I am going to check with the local college about some independent courses and see what they have to offer. I need to find ways to get me out of the house and keep myself busy. Otherwise, all I do is sit and think about him, what went wrong, and why he doesn't want me. And my depression isn't getting better by doing that.

Thanks again, Pep!

<small>[ September 01, 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: deeplyhurting ]</small>