Well,
Things look so hopeless.
H is getting a 2 bedroom apartment.
We are both finacially strapped.
We were seriously talking about getting back together and then things just did not get done on both of our ends.
I understand what he wants.
He wants me to never let the OM see his son again.
I am in such a bad position.
H's mother pays most of his rent and has been doing so for a year now.
I pay all my bills on my own and I barely make enough to survive.
If I don't let him see his son he will not help pay childcare and I will be out of a job and a home.
If I am not doing what H wants then he does not want to get back together.
If I do what H wants he still sounds doubtfull.
He wants to be married like this.
If it is not working than why does he not file for divorce.
Geez
I am throwing my hands up on this one.
I have no idea what to do.
I can't agrue with him, its pointless.
After all I have done, he is always right.
He won't file. He won't work on getting back together.
Is he waiting for me to file?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lucidity:
<strong>Well,
Things look so hopeless.
H is getting a 2 bedroom apartment.
We are both finacially strapped.
We were seriously talking about getting back together and then things just did not get done on both of our ends.
I understand what he wants.
He wants me to never let the OM see his son again.
I am in such a bad position.
H's mother pays most of his rent and has been doing so for a year now.
I pay all my bills on my own and I barely make enough to survive.
If I don't let him see his son he will not help pay childcare and I will be out of a job and a home.

Is he waiting for me to file?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am really sorry for the fix you find yourself in. After reading your previous posts, from what you have written, it seems you are very concerned for your own future. Also you miss your children. I would be concerned too. But I missed that you love your husband and want to be with him because you wanted to make a loving and committed marriage with him again. Did I get the right impression?

Lucidity consider the conflicting messages you are also sending to your H. Like when you first posted here, you were running away from the OM because he was dangerous, and now you are once more in contact with him because he's contributing money? You have not ended your relationship with the OM and not just because of your child with him but also because you've become financially dependent on him. Have you asked your H if he is willing to assume the burden of providing for the OC so that you can end your relationship with the OM forever?

lucidity:

I don't know the na2re of the arrangements you have with the OM seeing his child. But have you thought of posting this issue on the pregnancy/child forum here? There are a lot of people in si2ations similar 2 yours. Many have made equitable arrangements with the child's other parent for visitation/support. Many others have simply cut off all ties with the OP/parent. In either case, it should be by everyone's arrived-at agreement.

I will be thinking of you,
-2long

Monty,

You are right.
I am concerned for my future.
I have put both myself and my H in the position of being single parents.
The financial burden on both of us is hard.
I don't discuss my marraige and my feelings for H very much.
You see I am the WS, we are not a popular group of people here. I can only ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt and move forward.
Moving forward is very hard for me and H can tell you that. I think that is a trait he at times plays with.
It is hard for me to talk to you all about how I feel because I would need to refer to my H and conversations we have had.
I don't want to depict him in a bad light.
I have been angry in the past and have said some bad things about him on some of my posts.
I hate doing that and do not care to anymore.
I just need someone to here what I have to say to help us both find resolution.

Lucidity,

when we feel helpless it is time to look at what we not taking control of in our lives..
and what we are letting control us...fear, sadness, anger, confusion...etc.

REGARDLESS of the situation there are always things that are in our control...always...

Part and a HUGE part is changing even the way you grasp your thoughts, perspective, and even attitude about issues...

You need a plan of large goals..;and a plan of small simple eeensiiee..weeensie steps that get us to the larger goals..
some even that seem simple or pointless..but they are actions...and they do matter...

you need to be willing to change your goals..to be willing to let go of some for a time being...and be willing to make new ones...

You see I am the WS, we are not a popular group of people here. I can only ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt and move forward.

I disagree with the first part...people should feel safe here....

BUT the second part...good...let's get moving then...

You need to make lists...what it is you want..
and then you need a plan under each thing with direct actions you can do that move you closer to those goals..

you need to decide for yourself what is acceptable in your world and what is unacceptable
and make movements towards the acceptable..

you are not being controlled by anyone...
You also have legal rights to your children that you need to be educated on...

it may feel easier to go belly up lucidity...but things can change...

actions define us..you need to ground yourself in some actions that empower you and assist you in moving on...

what do you want..
not what husband wants..
not what OM wants...
what do you want...
and what's your plan to get there...
don't have a plan...
time to make one...

ARK

Lucidity while these forums do tend to be BS oriented, they are not meant to be exclusively for the BS. Sure there are some very acerbic and bitter BS but they are a small minority when compared to the rest of the BS's here that are fair and open minded. BOTH WS and WS get the ole virtual 2x4 whack over the head when they so richly deserve it but it is done not because of any contempt but because we care and want BOTH WS and BS to open their eyes and do what's best for themselves and their families.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lucidity:
<strong>Monty,

You see I am the WS, we are not a popular group of people here. I can only ask for forgiveness from those I have hurt and move forward.
Moving forward is very hard for me and H can tell you that. I think that is a trait he at times plays with.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that feeling your husband has, but it is not healthy to want to punish someone for a mistake, not only for you but especially for himself.

On a trip to Thailand, I discover a man with his hand midway up my W bare thigh under a dinner table. She had just lost a lot of weight and was seeking attention. She was very nervous and acted strange, that's what made me look. I never forgave her for that, but I eventually did stop bringing it up. That's when most of the problems started in our marriage. Often I wish I had never seen that.

I took her for granted and she sought attention elsewhere. She never apologized, just kept saying there was nothing to it. Because she never admitted it was wrong, I never truley trusted her. I never learned from that lesson. This time she has left me for OM.

This time, and after finding MB, I know now why she was so desparate for attention and what I did or didn't do to make her feel that way. I thought I was blameless and she just wanted sex. Thru sex she is trying to validate herself as still attractive, desirable and seeking affection b/c I failed in trying to do that. Althought this is wrong and she knows it. I believe b/c of my past failure to forgive her and move on, she is now afraid to come home. This is a much worse situation.

I have turned to God to help me forgive her and can only hope that she gives me a chance to prove that I did forgive and want still want and love her. I went thru months of heartache and anger, but most of it was because I hurt her first, couldn't take it back and had no opportunity to fix things once the OM came along.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>It is hard for me to talk to you all about how I feel because I would need to refer to my H and conversations we have had.
I don't want to depict him in a bad light.
I have been angry in the past and have said some bad things about him on some of my posts.
I hate doing that and do not care to anymore.
I just need someone to here what I have to say to help us both find resolution.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can understand your frustration. It no doubt took a lot for you to stop your affair and try again with your H. Maybe forgiving his anger will help.

I'm new to MB and don't have much experiece here, but forgiveness has helped to stop my anger.

I don't know about my own situation. I'm willing be WW isn't. But I would feel much joy from hearing that you and your H are making progress.

God Bless you and your family.

You see I am the WS, we are not a popular group of people here.
What makes you think this?

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>